Staged Beauty
by rhea12
Summary: Bella is an out of work actress living in New York City, when an audition comes along that could change everything. Does she have what it takes to impress noted Broadway Director Edward Cullen? Humor, romance, angst. AU-HUMAN
1. The Audition

Staged Beauty

Everything inside of me was buzzing. My stomach was an Olympic gymnast doing back-flips and flip-flops; my head was so clouded it seemed like at any moment a hurricane would rip through the recesses of my mind; and the shivers that overtook my body had nothing to do with chill of the New York City air.

I'd been over my monologue a million times before this day came. Alice probably had it down better than me due to the fact that I had ceaselessly recited it to her the past three weeks. It seemed like I should have been used to this by now. After all, as a performer your main job description was really to audition. Somehow, I could never get used to the feeling. All the crowds, the prettier, probably more talented girls, surrounding you and making you feel insignificant; and the worst part, the trio that would be waiting for you inside. The producer, writer, and director; my worst nightmare come to pass. They would sit in front of you, like lions, waiting for you to make one wrong move, and then they would pounce. As if I needed trained professionals to tell me that I wasn't good enough to be in this business, I already knew that myself.

Just as I was about to convince myself that it was useless to audition for a part that I would never get, the cattle call was herded inside. I was pushed and shoved along with them. I hung to the back, a strategy forming in my head. At the end of the line, I would receive all the information that the first auditioners didn't have. Would we be doing cold readings, or worse, be dancing? I pushed that thought to the back of my head quickly, because if I didn't, I was sure that I would run away screaming down Broadway. Also, being last had its advantages. It's more likely that the auditors remember the last person to audition. So it was with a determined resolve that I surreptitiously crept to the very end of the line and tried to make myself invisible so that I could rationalize the situation.

It never really made any sense for me to go into show business. I was as shy as they come. The only times I really let myself open up were those times that I was around my family, or my best friends, or onstage. If it weren't for Alice, I don't think I would've ever discovered my passion for the dramatics. Of course, like every shy girl in high school, I was a book nerd. And I always had a fascination with Shakespearean drama. But it wasn't until Alice came to the tiny, insignificant, minuscule town of Forks, Washington that anything interesting would happen in my life. Alice was like a natural disaster of sorts. Well, that sounds bad, but it's true. When she came to town my world was turned upside down, and parts of me were altered forever. She was the popular girl. Already having a large appeal since we never had any new students in our infinitesimal school (population circa 300), she was made even more so due to her kind nature, outgoing personality, oh, and it didn't hurt that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in the flesh.

The first day she came to Forks High School she looked as if she had walked off the Paris catwalk. We met in theater class, which I was forced to take against my will due to the fact that we needed a fine arts credit. I was in choir up until the eighth grade, and decided that I was already made fun of enough that I didn't need to add anything else on top of that. She plopped down right next to me and held out her hand.

"Alice Brandon, actress extraordinaire. And you are…?" she prompted me.

"Uh, Bella Swan, wallflower un- extraordinaire, pleased to meet you," I managed to stammer out.

It wasn't every day that a popular person even looked my way, much less spoke to me. But luckily Alice wasn't like most people. She was so extremely kind and fun to be around. We immediately clicked and became inseparable. Prompting me to audition my junior year for the school musical along with her, Alice helped me realize my acting potential, and I fell in love with the stage.

"Number 865." A shrill voice called in front of me, pulling me from my memories.

I panicked. I was number 874. There were only nine more people until I made the descent to the deepest pits of auditioning hell. Dread, cold hard dread completely filled me.

I didn't realize that I was hyperventilating until the beautiful woman in front of me turned around very, very politely, said, "Shut the hell up. I'm trying to get into character here."

Forcing my breathing to a human level I mumbled a vague, "Sorry," and went back to reciting my monologue in my head.

The first line was….wait. The first line was…. What is the first damn line? No worse, I couldn't remember the first damn word! I should have left, run for the hills, or the bar, whatever was closer. But somehow my feet refused to move. Trying with all my puny might I willed my legs towards my only beacon of hope, the exit. All was in vain however because my legs just kept moving forward towards the door of doom.

The hyperventilation was back with vengeance and the girl in front turned around again.

"Listen, this is really messing with my strategy of being a cold bitch, but, well you're looking kind of green. Would you like some water? If you vomit on me, I swear to God I will beat you so many different ways you'll have like one them."

The goddess handed me a bottle of Desani, grinned, and turned back around. I gulped it greedily and began to wrack my mind for anything that might trigger the first word.

Then, I heard it. It came from an angel somewhere. I frantically looked about the room for the seraph who was reciting my monologue verbatim and finally giving me a shred a hope, and then my heart plummeted to my feet. The beautiful woman in front of me was saying my monologue from "Death of a Salesman" with absolutely perfect articulation, clarity, and well…it was just good. Better. Better than the way I said it. Well, at least I know my first line now, I thought drearily.

Again I was headed for the exit when I heard the shrill voice call out again, "Number 873."

It was the point of no return. If I ran now, the gorgeous bitch would know I was a loser, but if I didn't the trio of death inside would shun me from all New York theatre forever. Suddenly a voice filled my head.

"Bella. I am not listening to this anymore! You can do anything you set your mind to. Attitude is everything Bells, make it happen."

Alice always knew what to say, even if she was just an apparition in my mind. But I would listen to the apparition, because if I didn't I would always wonder what might have been.

The supernatural woman confidently strutted into the room shaking her perfect butt all the way inside. I, having the lowest self-esteem of anyone I know, pressed my ear up to the door to hear her audition.

"Hello. My name is Rosalie Hale, and I will be performing Linda Loman's monologue from 'The Death of a Salesman' by Arthur Miller," I heard her melodic voice sing through the crevice in the door.

"Begin when you're ready," a bored voice sounded from across the room. Not a good sign.

"I'll be with you in a minute Charley," she began, some trepidation in her voice. "Ummm… I'm sorry may I begin again?"

"Of course you may," a sweeter voice sneered, almost too sweetly. Condescendingly sweet."

"Right. I'll be with you in a minute Charley…" Silence. A few seconds passed and not a word did the stunning woman utter in the room. Twenty seconds, thirty, almost a minute…until…

BAM! The force of the blow knocked me to the floor. Dazed, I blinked rapidly trying to get the stars out of my vision, when the woman called Rosalie poured all the contents of the Desani bottle on my face.

Her eyes streaming with tears she knelt beside me and said, "God! I'm so sorry! I just got so upset in there and…wait. Why was your face right beside the door?"

"We have the same monologue," I mumbled weakly, trying to wrench myself up off the hard floor.

"Damn, I got water all over you. Are you going to audition looking like this?" she asked, genuinely concerned.

"Oh hell yeah, how could it possibly get any worse?" I chuckled and got to my feet. The shrill lady tapped her foot, completely unperturbed by the raucous created by Rosalie and I.

"Sorry I just went utterly blank in there, and then I just had to get out of the room… I hope your nose is going to be okay! Break a leg in there," she held out her hand to me and I shook it, just glad to have broken through her icy exterior, but also sad it took her breaking my face to get there.

The shrill lady's eyes were now penetrating my own, as if daring me to go into the audition room in my current state. I had to admit, I did _not_ look good. I could feel my nose starting to swell (hopefully it wasn't broken). My hair and face were drenched, not to mention the fact that I chose today, of all days, to lift my ban on wearing any sort of white fabric on my body. (I have a spilling problem… Alice bought me a bib for Christmas… Hardee har har) The purple lacy bra that I donned was making its public debut on the day of this doomed expedition. To hell with it! Suddenly as fast as the terror that overtook me came, it retreated. In its stead, enthusiasm and adrenaline coursed through my veins. I'm not sure where the confidence came from, but it was there, and I couldn't ignore it.

"I guess I'm next," I announced to anyone who was left to listen.

"Again, I'm so sorry…after the audition let me buy you some Starbucks, it's the least I can do!" Rosalie made it sound as if coffee was the only obvious penance for her iniquities, and I actually couldn't agree more. Coffee was my kind of savior.

"That sounds wonderful…uh… I didn't catch your name." I stammered, once again taken by the supermodel in front of me.

"Rosalie Hale." She said, extending her hand once again to me.

"Bella Swan. Great to meet you," I said, smiling back at her. Who knew you could make friends at auditions? I was pretty sure days like this usually ended in death threats and life-long vendettas. Life never fails to surprise me. Maybe it might surprise me more than I could hope…

With new fervor and zest I marched towards my impending demise, and once I stepped through the doorway I stopped dead in my tracks. It was as if the world ceased to be, as if the universe had been frozen, petrified, and all that was left after it thawed out was him. He sat across the room with his hands rubbing his temples in distress. Even through the agonized look on his face I could see that he was striking. No. Striking wasn't enough. Handsome didn't even begin to describe what he was. Beautiful, gorgeous, breath-taking, mere words could not do justice to his face. Dumbstruck, I stood, mouth gaping open like an idiot, staring at this celestial being, unable to form a coherent thought, much less a sentence. Then, the angel opened his mouth to speak.

"We're ready if you'd like to begin." His voice, although strained with fatigue, had the most melodious tenor quality I'd ever heard. My ears, I guess, didn't want to believe that the voice was true, so they perked up, hoping to hear the voice once again. Then the cherub looked down at the table he was sitting at, then back up at me, and our eyes met. His were the deepest hue of emerald you can imagine. I was lost, beyond lost, hopelessly and utterly gone. After what seemed like hours that our eyes were interlocked, but were probably a few seconds, the angel spoke once more.

His voice sounded unsteady, and his breathing seemed to have picked up when he said, "Have you prepared something Ms. Swan?"

"Yes," I croaked. My voice sounded like it hadn't been used in twenty years. I took a ragged breath and walked to the center of the room. It wasn't until that moment that I noticed the two other bored looking people to the left and right of the perfect one. I hadn't even been aware of their presence. On the right was a beautiful woman, tall, curvaceous, with the most vibrant red hair I had ever seen. Every pore on her body seemed to exude sexiness. Even with her professional attire, it still looked as if her outfit could have been purchased at Victoria's Secret. Her silk, teal, button-up shirt was unbuttoned way more than is usually deemed "professional", and her pinstripe blazer looked as if it was painted on. Her eyes were a fierce brown, although a much lighter shade than I was used to, and the florescent lighting made them almost glow red. To the left was a very conventionally handsome man. Nothing compared to the perfection in the middle, but still enough to make women swoon. He had long blonde hair, and icy blue eyes that were so penetrating it felt as if he were trying to view my soul through my own eyes. Sporting a Yankees jersey, I could tell that he was the picture of ease and comfort wherever he went. The perfect one, although he let his gaze fall, was exquisite. He was pale, muscular…yumminess. His hair was a dirty blonde, but with the most amazing natural copper tones in it, making his hair the most unique color bronze I had ever seen. All his features were flawlessly set on his face. He was wearing a white button-up that had become increasingly wrinkled throughout the day. He had on a simple black tie that had been loosened and hung limply around his neck. He was too sexy.

Okay Bella. Now would be a good time to speak. Any words will do, just say something. Now I know why Rosalie had bombed so miserably… how could you do anything but gawk at this man? Our eyes met once again, and I could see his blatant impatience. But then his expression softened and it felt as if the world fell away once more, and I began to speak.

"I'll be with you in a minute. Go on, Charley. I want to, just for a minute. I never had the chance to say good-bye. Forgive me, dear. I can't cry. I don't know what it is, but I can't cry. I don't understand it. Why did you ever do that? Help me, Willy, I can't cry. It seems to me that you're just on another trip. I keep expecting you. Willy, dear, I can't cry. Why did you do it? I search and search and I search, and I can't understand it, Willy.

I made the last payment on the house today.

Today, dear."

A tear involuntarily fell from my eye, followed by many more.

"And there'll be nobody home.  
We're free and clear.  
We're free. We're free... we're free."

I took a moment to step out of my character, and I watched each face as their expressions turned from puzzlement (no doubt from the state of my appearance), to awe. The angel's face suddenly brightened, and he shot me a smile that made the breath leave my lungs as if I had been punched in the gut.

"Ms. Swan, are you aware that you just gave us a perfect audition?" the Greek god asked me.

"No.." I murmured, feeling the blush creep upon my face.

He just shot me another winning smile and the three leaned into one another, seemingly in a caucus about my monologue. I was too stunned to listen to their whispers. I had just miraculously remembered my monologue, done well, and the perfect man spoke to me. I felt lighter than air. That is until an annoyed voice pulled me out my stupor.

"But she's hideous!" The fire head hissed at the others.

"She's not horrible looking, but I wonder why she looks like a drowned cat?" The attractive man on the left answered her.

"Listen, right now, we need talent, and she has it. Of course she's extremely ordinary, but that can be fixed."

Wait… did the god think I had talent? I ignored the urge to cry that came over me when he called me ordinary and tried to focus on the fact that he thought I had talent.

Suddenly, without my permission, I heard my voice shriek out, "Water!" What? Did I just yell the word water? What the hell. "Um… I mean, this girl…she spilt her water on me. I don't always look like this. I usually look somewhat decent at auditions. In fact my best friend took me shopping to buy this outfit. I told her that I hated to wear white and I knew that it wasn't a good idea and…"

Well that was definite word vomit. What had I just said? I don't think my brain even processed it. The trio was looking at me with incredulous scowls all over their faces, until the one in the jersey busted out laughing. Well that's it. I'll show myself out, climb into a hole, a sewer preferably, and die a slow and painful death. Laughed out of an audition. This day was so bad that they would record it in history books for people to read for years to come. I began my retreat to the door, and let my head drop so that they would not get the satisfaction of my tears.

"No, don't leave!" The jersey man called as I was starting the walk of shame. "I'm sorry, but that was hysterical. How you managed to do that kind of audition looking like you do is beyond me. Oh… don't cry! You were great! Edward, let's just have her sing right now."

Ok, so he was just laughing at my situation, not me. Deep breaths Bella. You can do this. I frantically wiped away the disloyal tears from my face and sniffled a little bit, hoping that would clear my head.

"People aren't singing until the callbacks Jasper," fire-head snarled.

"I know that _Vicky,_ but I think we should cut her some slack. I mean some bitch tired to sabotage her, then I laughed at her, and now I am intrigued by her. What do you think Edward? You want to hear her?"

"Most definitely," the god named Edward sent me another heart-stopping smile.

"But we don't have a pianist!" Vicky, as Jasper had called her, was in an outrage at the events that were unfolding; and I felt a smug sense of satisfaction from seeing her so upset.

"I think I can manage Victoria," Edward brushed her off and approached me.

My breathing started to become erratic once again, and I started to feel faint from the lack of oxygen. As he came closer I noticed the most beautiful smirk on his face, and then he was right beside me.

He leaned in and almost put his delectable lips against my ear and whispered, "Don't be scared, you're doing great."

My whole body shuddered at those words, and I found my confidence once again. I handed him my sheet music. I wasn't really prepared to sing at the moment, but somehow, I knew if he were playing for me, I could do it. As the first chords began of my piece I could feel the emotion behind Edward's fingers, and it was as if an electric current was running from his playing to my mouth. I began to sing "Here Alone" from Little Women. Again, I felt the rush of tears overtake me halfway through the song. I was just thanking God that tears were appropriate for the character. The song went extremely well. There are few times in my life that I sang as well as I just had, and I made a mental note to start going to church more often to pay God back for all He had just given me. When I finished there was silence in the room. Any good feeling I was receiving from the song was obliterated in that silence. In the land of musical theatre, silence was never a good sound. Wordlessly, Edward stood up from the piano bench and walked back to the table he had occupied before. He and Jasper communicated silently with their eyes, and I saw Vicky stick out her bottom lip. (She reminded me a very beautiful, but threatening, two-year old, that didn't get her way.) Jasper and Edward returned their attention to me. I stood, frozen, not knowing what to expect. Nothing had gone the way I imagined it would today, why would it go my way now?

"Ms. Swan," Jasper started, causing me to jump a little at the break from the silence, "we enjoyed your audition immensely, but we will not need to see you at callbacks. You will be contacted within the week to let you know if you have a role in the show. Thank you for your audition."

Well, that's it. I sighed and walked out the door, not even chancing to look at Jasper, Edward, or Victoria because the few tears that I managed to hold back in the room were now turning into sobs.

"Let's have that coffee now." I choked to Rosalie who was waiting beyond the door.


	2. The Worst Day

"Bella…are you alright?" Rosalie asked with trepidation.

"Sure, let's just get out of here," I snorted, trying to keep control of my nose. I brought my hand up to my face to wipe away some snot residue when searing pain passed through my nose. It might be broken. I let out a yelp, and before Rosalie could question me further I was out the door and on a mission to buy a comforting latte. She was close behind me.

"Bella, wait up!" She called about twenty paces back.

"Sorry," I muttered stopping to wait for her.

"So, I guess your audition went about as great as mine did," Rosalie spoke, trying to make me feel better.

"Yeah, that was one of the top five worse experiences of my life."

"If that was in your top five, I'd like to know what the other four are," Rosalie laughed.

"Oh, well that is definitely a coffee conversation." I chuckled back at her.

We laughed as we walked to the nearest Starbucks location we could find. I sighed when I saw it, like King Arthur might sigh when he saw the Holy Grail. If I could just get some coffee in me, I might be able to accept what just happened to me. Despite the odds stacked against me, I had the best audition of my career, and just when I thought I would have a shot, they told me I didn't have a callback. What was I doing in this business anyway? I should just move back home and become the high school teacher that everyone was convinced I would become.

I stepped up to the counter and ordered a Venti White Mocha with Cinnamon Dolce, I was not playing around. Bring on the calories! I could see Alice's disapproving smirk in my head as I paid for the five dollar drink that had more calories than a Big Mac. Ugh! Could she just get out of my head for one minute!

The Barista called my name and I dragged myself to the counter, grabbed my cup, and headed over to one of the oversized chairs that were settled in a secluded corner. Rosalie soon had her Non-Fat Vanilla Soy Latte and sat down next to me.

"You were supposed to let me pay," she said, frowning.

"Nah, it's no big deal. For all you know, my hyperventilation might have been the reason you bombed in there."

She laughed and sipped her drink. "Yeah right! I do that in every audition! I swear to God, I'm not a shy person. I mean, with men, I dominate. I am usually so confident, it's just… I don't know. Auditions always have me terrified. But I'm not too worried about it. I'm a dancer. They'll probably call me back for the dance portion."

"Congrats," I mumbled weakly, remembering back to the dance audition I had for this show the previous day. I wonder if it was a bad thing that I knocked the choreographer off into the orchestra pit attempting to do a gran jete…

"But it sounded like they liked you Bella. I mean they asked you to sing. I was talking to some other girls, and apparently you were the first they've heard sing all day." Rosalie was trying to lift my spirits, which was nice considering she didn't know me well enough yet to have discovered the depths of my self-consciousness.

"Yeah, well I didn't get a callback, so I'm pretty sure my singing didn't impress them. They probably just wanted one more thing to laugh about when they tell this story later." I blushed, imagining Edward at some swanky club, telling some blonde bimbos about this hysterical audition that he saw some _ordinary_ girl do today. They would crowd around him and guffaw at my misfortune; and then Edward would take the whole lot of them to his house for some after-hours recreation.

Stop it Bella, before you start crying like a fool again.

"So Rosalie-"

"Just call me Rose," she said as she cut me off.

"Ok, Rose, did you study dance anywhere?"

"I was in a Modern Dance program at NYU for a while, but I'm really not into starving myself, so I blew that joint and decided that I could audition for shows. I guess the reason why I get so scared at auditions is because I was never really trained as an actress. But they're always looking for dancers."

I stopped to ponder that for a moment. What kind of girl has the balls to drop out of the NYU dance company? They accept, what, like fifteen students a year? And she just quit to audition? Wow. I thought that I was taking a leap, moving out here "on my own", with Alice's parents' money to keep us afloat. I loathe myself.

"That's incredible. I would never have the guts to drop out like that." I was looking at her as if she might be a little on the crazy side.

"Well I don't take shit from anyone. I'm just as good as all those twig dancers out there and I don't need their pompous pretentious degree to kick their asses in an audition."

Yes. Rose was a special breed. I had picked up a _slight _(notice the sarcasm) hint of attitude from her in line, but that seemed to be just the tip of the iceberg. I'm glad that she's on my side…for now.

"So how about you Bella? Did you study acting?"

Of course, here it was; the inevitable questioning Bella about her past. I abhorred talking about my past.

"Yeah, I graduated with a BM in Musical Theatre from Oklahoma City University two years ago. Then my best friend, my brother, and I moved here to 'make our dreams come true.' Hasn't really worked out yet though."

Rose pondered that for a second, and then a smile crept onto her stunning face.

"You're from Oklahoma?" she laughed. "As in, 'Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plains'?"

"No," I shot back defensively, "I'm _from _Washington state, but I went to school in hickville. Don't judge me!" I hated that damn musical.

"I'm not!" Rose was still laughing. Well I am glad that my pitiful little life could make her day. "Sorry, you just don't get a lot of southerners around here that often. I'm not sure if I've ever _met_ anyone from Oklahoma before."

"You still haven't," I reminded her.

My patience was growing thin and Grouchy Bells, as Alice so astutely coined as my alter-ego's nickname, was making an appearance. Also the pain emanating from my nose was traveling fast towards my head. I was almost dizzy with the pain.

"Rose, you wouldn't happen to have any Tylenol or something for my nose would you?" I was silently praying that I wouldn't be in the emergency room later; the doctors had seen enough of me lately.

"Sure, somewhere in here." Rose started rummaging around in the biggest purse I had ever seen. I could tell Rose and Alice would be best friends. Their love for huge accessories would be the factor that drew them to one another. What would my life be like if I had two fashionistas as best friends? I had enough problems with Alice as it was. I watched as she pulled eight or nine pills bottles from her massive Chanel bag, and wondered if she was some sort of prescription drug peddler by night.

"What do you use all those for?" I asked her, indicating the bottles of pills that she was reading the labels on.

"My mom used to be a walking pharmacy," she answered me, smiling at the memory. "She had pills for everything you could think of. I guess I just kind of followed in her footsteps. Here you go," she said, handing me three Tylenol. "Wow, your nose is looking pretty bad, maybe you should have that checked out."

I instinctively brought my hand to face to feel how much it was swollen, and when my hand reached my nose I let out a yelp. It was as if there was a baseball lodged right in the middle of my face. I didn't want to look in a mirror. Not for a while at least. It was then, after I popped the pills and washed them down with a pull of my calorific latte, that I realized what I might look like to all the surrounding Starbucks patrons. My hair was getting frizzier by the second; I knew soon enough I would have the most beautiful natural afro any white girl could achieve. My mascara was smeared all over my face (because of the bottled water, and my own waterworks). And now my nose was large enough to house a home full oompa-loompas. Why was I just sitting in Starbucks casually chatting with a stranger?

"I can walk you to a doctor that I know nearby if you want. He is ridiculously good looking, that might make you feel better," Rose suggested, a mischievous smirk forming on her lovely face.

Why would she offer that? We had just met. Maybe she was worried that I might sue her for the door incident, but she really didn't seem like the type. She seemed, for lack of a better word, genuinely… good. Even though we got off to a rocky start, and she obviously did not worry about being tactful in my presence, she still offered to take me to the doctor. Ugh. The doctor.

Nothing within me liked going to the cold, stale, sterile rooms of a physician's office. I'd rather face hell with a water pistol. I had compiled a long list of reasons why this was the case. The first being that I hurt myself so often, that usually I could just diagnose myself. The second being that you are surrounded by other sickly people, which to me, doesn't seem like the best thing to do if you're trying to get well. The third being that I was almost always utterly humiliated; either by having to weigh myself in front of the nurse, or the doctor asking me if I was in an abusive relationship due to the amount of bruising that covered almost every inch of my body. That was the worst. No matter how much I pleaded with doctor, I could never convince him/her to believe that I _actually_ just fall down that much. I had always bruised like a peach. And finally, the thought of all that attention caused my stomach to turn. Sure I was clumsy and accident-prone, but I was not helpless. I didn't need to be rushed to the ER once a week for simply being the way the good Lord made me. I hated being treated like I was fragile. Give that attention to cancer patients, or people dying in Africa. I would be fine. It seemed almost selfish for me to go to the doctor. Even seeing a good looking doctor did not appeal to me. I looked hideous anyways.

But the more I mulled it over, the better it sounded going to the doctor with Rose, rather than with Alice.

Oh, the torture of being medically examined with Alice there! She would fuss over me as if I were an infant child, unable to fend for myself. She worried like a mother over me. At times, I guess, it was endearing. But mostly it was just annoying.

"Yeah, that sounds fine." I sighed, defeated. If I got back to the apartment looking like this, I would be in the emergency room, no doubt within minutes, with Alice pushing me around in a wheelchair. My brother, Emmett, would be tossing the people who got in our way aside like rag-dolls, yelling in his booming voice "GET OUT OF THE WAY JACKASS!!!" I shuddered from the image. They took overprotective to the extreme. In fact, it was closer to domination.

"Great, well let me run to the bathroom to make sure I look decent, and then we can go." Rose appeared almost…excited about our destination.

I was less than thrilled.

"Kay," I mumbled, searching my pocket for my BlackBerry that I just felt vibrate. I had one new text.

_How did the audition go? I had a feeling that you were awesome!_

_ Alice_

I took a deep breath and sighed as I thought of my best friend. She always had this insane faith in me, and not to mention her "feelings" that were almost always right. Well I guess I should stress the _almost_ part.

_Thanks Allie, but it didn't go that well. I'm not crying, at the moment, so try not to worry. I'll be home later._

_Grouchy Bells_

Alice's "feelings" were not things that I was prepared to bet against normally, but lately it was like she was losing her touch. First she said that this would be "the audition of a lifetime!" And I was not supposed to freak out after hearing that. Then she said, "the one you will love is closer than you think." To that I calmly explained that she sounded like a fortune cookie. She didn't like that.

I suppose there was some merit in her second "vision." She said "the one you _will_ love." That sounded like it was a demand, something that I could not fight against. Like my encounter with Edward. It felt as if some invisible current was pulling me to him; like an unavoidable target that I would hit. He was like a breath of fresh air, if I could have remembered to breathe when he was around. I remembered the shock that went though my body when I first laid eyes on his angelic face. I remembered the feeling of peace as our eyes interlocked for that one brief moment. I remembered perfectly the way I felt as he softly whispered soothing words into my ear…

"Bella, I'm ready." Rose was standing in front of me with her hands on her hips, looking smug about something. I don't suppose she noticed the trip to "never never land" that I had just taken… Crap.

"What were you thinking about? No, _who_ were you thinking about? I know that look!" Yeah, she noticed.

"Oh…it was…umm… it's nothing Rose," I stammered. "I just get caught daydreaming a lot." There. That was simple enough. She probably would have believed that if the snort that I let out after that statement didn't sound slightly hysterical.

"But you were daydreaming about someone in particular…" Rose was a sneaky one. I could tell she knew how to get what she wanted. "I have been standing here for a minute or so before you even noticed me!"

"It's just this guy, this incredible guy… But I don't know him, or even have a chance in hell with him, so it's not a big deal. A girl can dream can't she?" I was going to say that I don't have a chance in hell of ever _seeing_ him again, and even if I did, how could I approach him after what happened today? But some part of me thought if I did see him, not even my embarrassment could keep me away from him… I was like a moth drawn to the flame.

My phone vibrated once again. I sighed as I opened it once more. What would Alice have to say now?

_Hey Bells, I've missed you. How'd your audition go? Alice told me about it, since you won't return my calls. I'll be in town tomorrow. I have a big audition for a new musical. I'll call you later. Please answer._

_Jake_

I snapped the phone shut and shot to my feet, ready to forget what I just read. I was fuming.

"Let's get this over with," I said to Rose, suddenly eager to get home, crawl in my bed, and sleep my life away.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A few hours, and one mortifying doctor's appointment later, I drudged up the eight flights of stairs to my dingy little apartment. Of course the elevator would be broken on this: the worst day of my existence thus far. Ok, well maybe not the worst day. There was still Graduation to look back on.

"_Bells, I love __**you**__. What happened… it was insane. She __**seduced**__ me Bells. I swear, I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that. I hate myself for bringing you this kind of pain. Please forgive me. You have to. I won't survive it if you leave me."_

I shuddered at the memory, and the tears started to rebel against my dried up eyes. How were there any tears left? And why should _he_ deserve any more of mine?

I unlocked the door and practically fell inside. The living room was empty, thank God. I was free to go to pieces as I pleased. Surprisingly, looking back on recent events didn't trigger the waterworks as I anticipated.

My nose was not, in fact, broken. I just bruised much easier than the normal human. Rose had apologized a few more times, and then we had parted ways, both of us promising to call one another later. She really was a sweet person, underneath that bitchy exterior. Alice and Rose were sure to get along once they met. Maybe some of the attention she usually devoted to my appearance could be shifted to Rose's. Ha. Wishful thinking. They would probably just join forces and tackle me together.

I sighed as I walked to my bedroom. Our apartment was bigger than the average sized one on Manhattan Island, but in theory, that doesn't mean a whole lot. My room was just big enough to hold my enormous bookshelf, and my mattress (which still lay on the floor, despite Alice's many efforts to con me into buying a bed frame. She couldn't understand; I just liked it on the floor!) Not really knowing what to do with myself, I plopped down my mattress and lay down. Sometimes I couldn't help feeling like the weight of world was on my shoulders. Without Alice as the voice of reason, I let that weight, and all the brooding doubts I possessed take over my mind.

Here I was, twenty-three years old, a year out of college, and nothing was going according to plan. I had dreams that were slowly revealing themselves to be delusions of grandeur. Of course I had dreams of hitting it big; being able to perform in front of thousands every night. When I was onstage I could be anyone I wanted to be. Onstage I was more that plain, average, _ordinary_, Bella Swan. One day I was a tempting seductress, the next an evil villain, and the next I was the object of the most amazing men's affections. The roar of the crowd would be deafening, and people would adore me, want me.

But there was another dream that soared high above that one. This was the more fanciful dream, and the one that I could never admit. I wanted love. Overbearing, undeniable, limitless, excruciating, unconditional, earth-shattering, love. I wanted to drown in it, for it to intoxicate me, to take my very soul. It was an irrational fantasy. In the opinions of most, I'd already had this experience, with Jake. But I knew better. I loved Jake, of course I did. I was even _in_ love with Jake. But it wasn't what I expected. It wasn't overpowering, it didn't hurt to be separated from him, it wasn't so astonishing that it was painful. There were no extremes. Only complacency. And when it was over, there was no sadness. Only anger. Only bitterness. Only regret.

After Jake, the dream turned into a nightmare. It was a nightmare that I couldn't wake from. The fear that always abided with me was that this love, the one in my dreams, was not real. It didn't exist. For anyone. And if it did, I had somehow done something not to deserve it. I was too self-centered, too self-indulgent, too self-serving, to be worthy of that kind of devotion.

So here I was. Twenty-three, jobless, and alone. Where was my life headed? For Alice to say that this was a career defining day was an understatement. This was a life defining day. I couldn't do this. I would move back to Forks, and continue the ordinary life of an ordinary girl.

Even the thought of the angel's face couldn't cheer me now. All day, it was his words, his smiles, his existence, that kept me from curling into a ball and losing myself in a bought of sorrow. But now it was clear that the feelings I got when I was around him would not be feelings I was likely to repeat.

I closed my eyes and welcomed another night of horrific nightmares. The only relief was knowing that there would be a tomorrow, and that day would start me back on the path of normalcy that was meant to tread. I would go back home, and try to content myself. I was drifting when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered groggily.

"Is this Bella Swan," the voice asked. The voice. The angel's voice. The voice that brought back those feelings. The feelings that I had consciously banished from my existence. Edward's voice.

"Yes," I squeaked, "this is Bella." I was shaking. What could he want? What could this mean?

"Can I talk to you for a moment," his voice soothed, and I knew everything would be alright.


	3. The Best Day

"Yes!" I heard myself scream. What is going on with me? Two minutes ago I was at my wits end, and now I was giggling like some bumbling imbecile.

"Well I was calling in regards to your audition today." His velvety voice chuckled.

"Yeah, about that…" I started. But he cut me off.

"I was incredibly impressed by your talent. You are just the type we are looking for."

WHAT!!! No way. This isn't real.

"Yes it is," he laughed in earnest now. "You aren't dreaming Ms. Swan."

Whoa, did I just yell at him like that? I could've sworn it was all in my head.

"But…you… you…didn't want me… I mean…" Great. Now my brain has decided to stop communicating with my mouth altogether. I'll try it once more.

"I mean, you didn't want to see me for the callback." Yes! One whole sentence. You are a smart one Bella Swan.

"About that, we couldn't give you all the details with the producer present. She wasn't a fan of your look, but I made a judgment call and promised her that you could get a make-over for the next round of auditions. You wouldn't be opposed to that would you?"

His velvety voice was now pissing me off.

"A make-over?! I'm too ugly?" I spat, hoping he would regret his choice of words and tell me that I was beautiful. No such luck.

"If you're not willing then there were plenty of others willing to change their appearance to better their careers. I was just hoping that you—"

"Of course!" Time to backtrack Bella. "I mean, that's fine. I can change my appearance. I'm sorry, it's just…shocking. I mean, if there are tons of other pretty girls, then why choose me?" Did I want to know the truth?

"We saw something special in you Bella, something that none of the other girls could possess if they tried."

His voice was now entrancing.

"What did you see?" I asked, almost in a whisper.

"In your eyes, there was passion. Pure, unadulterated passion. Lots of people long to be in this business, but we could see your heart through your eyes. In that moment when you said your monologue, Bella Swan ceased to be, and Linda Loman was there instead. It was truly remarkable. You definitely are the girl we want for the role. I can't imagine any other."

My heart stopped beating. He got all that from my eyes? My hunger, thirst, need, inexplicable obsession for being on the stage? Or was it just his presence that brought those things to the brink of my consciousness?

"Wow." I breathed for the first time since I heard his voice. "Wow…I… I…don't know what to say. Thank you, for taking a chance on me. Next time you see me, you won't even recognize me. I'll make myself more attractive." How in the hell was I supposed to do that?! I wonder how long it takes a nose job to heal? Would he like me better that way?

"Sorry Bella, I think you've got the wrong idea. Victo- I mean the producer just likes a more polished look. Remember, you should always dress for the part you want. You'll be playing the goddess Venus, effectively you'll be portraying Aphrodite. It's hard for any woman, no matter how breath-taking, to live up to that standard."

"Aphrodite," I breathed, gulping loudly. How could I, Bella Swan, ever be cast as Aphrodite? I must be on candid camera or something.

"Yes, but the writer, Jasper Whitlock, and I, have faith in your talent. Even though your look needs tweaking, I am positive that when you come in on Saturday you will look the part. But there is something you should know."

"What's that?"

"We're casting Adonis based on his chemistry with you. So on Saturday you must be ready for a long day. You'll probably read with one-hundred guys. Be prepared to stay all day. Also on Saturday we'll go over your contract and such. I would like to have a brief meeting with you Saturday morning before the men's callbacks to talk to you in person about my vision for the show."

"That will be fine. What time and where should I meet you?" I guess I was in shock now. What I said finally made sense!

"Let's just meet at the Moondance, it's only a couple of blocks from the Gershwin. That's where the show is going to run. We did have the Eugene O'Neil, but the buzz about the show resulted in us getting a bigger space."

"The Gershwin?" I choked. My head was spinning, and there was a smile permanently plastered on my face. I was having a 'meeting' with the renowned Edward Cullen, the man who made me feel like no other. I had the lead in a BROADWAY MUSICAL, and it was being performed in the Gershwin Theatre!

"Yes. I'm very much looking forward to working with you Ms. Swan," his sexy voice crooned to me. I couldn't help but force his words to have a double meaning in my head.

"Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me. I will be ready for Saturday."

"Until then."

I heard the phone click.

"WHOOO-HOO!!! OW!!!" I screamed as loud as my lungs could go. Jumping up off the mattress I stood atop it and began to jump and thrash wildly about, singing like my life depended on it.

_I feel good, dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh! _

_I knew that I would now, dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!_

_I FEEEEL good! dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!_

_I knew that I would now, dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!_

_SO GOOD, dun-dun_

_SO GOOD, dun-dun!_

_I got YOU!_

_OW!!!!!_

_I feel nice, dun-nuh-_

Slam.

I whirled around to the sound of my bedroom door slamming and found Alice standing in the doorway looking like she was afraid I had lost it.

My face bypassed the usual slow blush and suddenly was on fire. Seems like I should be used to utter embarrassment by now, but Alice had never seen me like this. _No-one_ had ever seen me like this, simply because I had never been this happy.

Well I can't let total embarrassment stand in the way of my happiness.

"Alice!" I cried, rushing to envelope her in a bone-crushing hug.

"Bella?" It came out more of a question than an exclamation.

"Hey." I replied lamely, knowing that any moment the Spanish Inquisition would begin.

"What in the hell's the matter with you?" Alice had never seen me like this. She must have mistaken my joy for insanity (she probably wasn't too far off in that assumption).

"You sent me that depressing text and I got all worried about you, and then I come home and you are jumping up and down and singing James Brown. Do you need to lie down?"

"No Allie! I'm just… _happy_. The happiest I've ever been." I smiled goofily and waited for her reaction. I was waiting for quite some time.

She just stared at me, uncomprehending, searching for the truth in my eyes. It felt like her gaze would burn a hole right through my face. Then, after what felt like hours, she spoke.

"I'm calling Emmett." She stated, and then blew right out of my room into the living room.

"Wait! No, Alice, would you just listen to me for just a second?" Grabbing her phone, I quickly stuffed it down my shirt for good measure. (That way I could fight her off when she tired to retrieve it.) "I'm not going crazy. Can I tell you what happened to me today?"

She suspiciously nodded her head and went to sit down on our Ikea couch. Eyeing me with fierce intensity she spoke. "Let's hear why you're acting like a complete psycho Bells."

I recounted the story of my horrific audition with much more detail than I normally would. It was Alice, she would want to know it all. When I told her about my reaction to Edward (downplayed a tad, I didn't want her to go kidnap him for me), she shrieked as if I had poured ice down her back. After I mentioned the phone call and the fact that I, Bella Swan, was now a Broadway star, she did something that I would've never expected. She started crying.

"What the hell Alice? This is good news!" Practically yelling at her I plopped down beside her on the couch.

"Bells, I'm just so thrilled for you. I mean, this is what you've been working your whole life for! Didn't I tell you that you could do it?" She sniffled, too overcome with pride in me to go on.

Before I knew it was happening I was overcome by hysterical laughter. Probably due to the stressful nature of the day, with the added miserable embarrassment I suffered, and finally the best words I had ever heard spoken aloud. I couldn't laugh hard enough. Soon Alice and I were rolling on the floor laughing and crying. It was a moment that I would always remember.

Nobody cared for me quite like Alice did. There was no-one in the world who would celebrate so fully with me, and suffer with me as well. She truly embodied everything I could ever ask for in a friend. On this day, in this particular moment, I realized that there was no-one I would have rather shared this news with.

Eventually our laughter quieted to soft giggles every now and then.

"Bella, I am just so happy at this moment. God, you deserve this!"

"Thanks Allie. This night has just felt like a dream." She pinched me.

"Ow! What the hell Alice?"

"It's not a dream stupid. I'm really beat, so I'm going to bed. Do you mind?" Alice yawned as she said this, unintentionally overemphasizing the point.

"Go ahead. I'll probably just read for a while. See you in the morning."

"Night Bells." Alice said giving me one last enthusiastic hug before disappearing into her room.

Although I was exhausted, I wasn't quite ready for this day to be over. In fact, I knew I couldn't sleep now if I tried. My head was too full of thoughts about the day's events. The troubling part was, that it wasn't the news I had received that wouldn't let me rest.

It was Edward.

He was too good to be true. First, there was the feeling of peace he gave me when our eyes met. I rarely felt peace ever in my chaotic life. However, in the one instant we met I felt as if there wasn't a worry in the world. As if I had found my home there in his eyes. Second, there was the feeling that I would explode when I heard him on the phone. I realized I wasn't anxious about the news he would tell me of my audition. Instead, I was anxious about what he would say about me. This was very disconcerting seeing as there was a number three. Third, I couldn't help but still feel let down by his words. He obviously did not find me attractive, and any chance I had of winning him over with my personality was shot to hell after our phone conversation.

Snap out of it! I would have time to brood over my man troubles later.

Blissfully happy, I wandered into the kitchen to grab the bottle of Champagne that I had been saving for such an occasion. I faintly heard my phone buzzing from my bedroom, so I ran quickly praying that if it was Edward again, I would have the sense to at least speak like a rational human being. I was so excited it didn't check the caller ID before I answered.

"Hello?" I practically shouted, out of breath.

"Bells?" I stopped breathing.

The whole room started to spin. I wanted nothing more than to throw my phone as far away from me as possible, but I was rooted to the spot. Paralyzed by… fear? Anger? Disbelief? How dare he?!

"I can't believe you answered! God I have wanted to talk to you for so long," Jake's voice called out from my BlackBerry.

"What could you possibly say to me that I haven't already heard?" I snapped, hoping to injure him with as many nasty words as I could. Although I had been dreading the day that I would have to speak to him again, I couldn't help but be a little excited to say all the things I had been dreaming up over the past year. My good mood may have even heightened imagining releasing all my stored up fury on him.

"I know that we haven't spoken in literally a year, and I know that there are so many things you have to say to me. Believe me Bells, I deserve everything you can throw at me. I'll take it. I'll listen to it all. I'll believe it all. I know what I am, I know what I've done. But will you please, before you start telling me all the reasons why you hate me, will you please listen to me?"

_This was it: the most important day of my life so far. This was a day that would I would always remember as the threshold of my life. It was the beginning of my life. Not only would I move away, on my own, to start my career; I was also beginning my life with Jake. I knew that we would be together. A day like this made all our petty fights recently seem inconsequential. I sat in the large theatre on campus in my hideous blue gown and the horrendous hat atop my head. Hats were definitely not my thing. _

_The nerves hadn't really kicked in yet. All throughout the speeches and songs I sat in a daze, not really concentrating on the moment. I was thinking about what I would say to Jake when I saw him after this. Of course I wanted to marry him. I wanted nothing more than to always have Jake in my life, to have a hold on him. It was foolish to turn him down, and I know that I had hurt him beyond what he would let me see. Hell, he hadn't even spoken to me in a week. But everything would be alright once I saw him._

_When the President of the University started calling out the last names that started with 'R' my row stood up and made its way toward the stage. It was then that I started to panic. Of course I should have worn flats today. No-one even sees your shoes under this cape! But Alice wouldn't listen me, and I was sure to pay for it. If I could just catch Jacob's eye I would make it across unscathed. I scanned the crowd for his face, stopping once I saw Charlie and Renee beaming at me from the crowd. Only an occasion this huge would cause them to be civil enough to be in the same room with one another. (Let alone sit in seats side-by-side!) That thought caused me to smile as I continued my search for my sunshine. Ah. There he was, sitting on the front row, sandwiched in between Quil and Embry. _

_Something was off._

_I started shaking._

_He met my gaze with a sorrowful expression. Well, sorrowful didn't quite describe his expression. It looked as if part of his soul was gone, as if he had lost his best friend._

_That's when everything fell into place._

_Leah hadn't looked me in the eyes in days, and Jacob hadn't spoken to me all week. I just assumed it was because I had hurt him, not because he harbored…guilt._

_A tear fell down his face and I tried to look away. I failed._

_My feet involuntarily trudged forward to the stage where I would get my diploma._

_I asked him questions with my eyes, begging him to answer with a lie. He was too transparent. That's why he hadn't talked to me. That's why Leah insisted that I know he wasn't anywhere near the Kappa house last Friday. As I ascended the steps he let out a choked sob. And then I fell._

"I'm sorry. I can't listen to you. Not yet. Jake, I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of being angry and alone and broken, but just because we've been apart doesn't mean I'm ready to hear excuses yet. I love you. I always will, but I am not ready for this. For us to talk. Try to understand."

"I do," he said, his voice dejected. I couldn't conjure up a sound more pitiful than that.

"Isabella, I can't give up on you though. We have to at least try to move past this. We need closure."

"I know," I whispered. Closure, yeah that's what I need. But how the hell can I get it?

"I'll be in New York this week. My flight leaves in the morning." He sounded as if he was hoping we could meet up, have a crying session, get all our skeletons out of our closets, and teach them to dance.

"I'm not ready to see you." I was being a coward now. I knew that. Had all my good fortune of the day really not rubbed off at all on my bravery? Could it really be, that 365 some odd days later I still couldn't even be civil to the man I had known half my life?

"Fine," he answered gruffly, "we don't have to see each other. But this does not mean I'll stop calling you. Eventually, we have to figure this out. Eventually you'll have to come home, and when you do, I'll be waiting."

He was getting a little testy now, and I couldn't blame him for that. Here he was, trying to be an adult, and I was still being childish.

"I'm sorry… break a leg at your auditions." That was civil of you Bella. Well done.

"If I get a job I'll be moving here in a couple of weeks. Are you okay with that?"

"Of course I am Jake. This is the biggest city in the country! What are the odds we'd run into each other?" I tried to laugh at my feeble attempt at humor. With my luck I'd see him soon enough.

"Thanks for not hanging up on me." Hearing the smile in his voice made me realize that this was definite progress where Jacob and I were concerned.

"Thanks for not giving up on me." I half-way endeavored a smile, but it turned into a grimace. I wasn't used to being so non-infuriated by him.

Sighing to myself I hung up the phone.

I was proud of myself. My good mood wasn't even evaporated by the ex-sun of my life calling. This had to be the best day of my life, even if it had some major bumps along the way.

Sitting down on my mattress, I contemplated calling Emmett and telling him the news. He was my big brother after all. But he would insist on going out to some outrageous club to celebrate (and by celebrate I mean getting shit-faced and grinding with sluts on the dance floor, whilst I hid in a corner trying to think up ways that I could murder him without being caught), so I decided it could wait.

In fact, calling everyone could wait. Of course I wanted to let Renee, Charlie, Angela, and even Rose know of my good fortune, but at the moment, I felt like giving myself over to my fantasies.

Actually, just one fantasy.

Edward. I pictured his face in shock of my new appearance (thanks to Alice and her magic), but he would quickly mask it as one of indifference. He knew he should not get involved with his actors. However, judging by the way he looked at me, I could tell he was ready to rethink dating an employee.

Eyeing me up and down, he watched as I crossed the room toward him. The strangest look came to his face.

He would stare into my eyes and whisper my name.

"Bella. You are extraordinary."

With that sound in my ears, I allowed sleep to overtake me, praying the fantasy would play out in fuller detail in my dream.


	4. The Lunch Date

Edward was staring deeply into my eyes. His were intense. They were full of emotions that I'm sure mere words could never convey. I painfully broke my gaze with his eyes to focus on his full lips. As I did so they turned up into that smile that made my heart stutter and my knees weak. I felt my knees give way and braced myself for the hard ground below, but I felt his arms wrap protectively around my waist.

Edward stopped me from falling.

He lifted his hand to my face and brushed away the hair that had fallen into my eyes.

"I want you see you." He whispered in my ear.

Soon my skin was covered in goose bumps in response to his breath on my face. I soaked up his scent, committing it to memory. And then, it happened. His head tilted down and I could feel him coming closer to my lips. I wanted it. I wanted to drown in his kisses. Our foreheads were touching when he spoke again.

"Bella," he said. But it wasn't the smooth sexy voice that I wanted to hear. In fact it was downright shrill.

"Bella," he called again. Why can't my stupid dreams get his voice right! He sounded like a little girl.

Then he was shaking my shoulders, jostling me around like a rag doll. Well! Way to ruin the moment Edward.

I slowly opened my eyes only to be confronted by an overexcited Alice, not an overtly sexy Edward.

"Dammit Alice!" I groaned, pulling my pillow over my head. Maybe if I could do back to sleep right away the dream would just pick up where it left off.

"Get up lazy ass!" Alice laughed pulling the pillow away from me, and pulling the covers off my bed. "We have a lunch date!"

Must. Not. Kill. Alice.

Alice danced over to the window and pulled the curtains aside letting in the blinding sunlight. Then she ran back over to my bed and started bouncing up and down knowing that every movement was further infuriating me.

"Lunch date?" It came out more of a growl than I expected it too. Good. That way she knows what she's up against.

"Yes," she replied calmly, not seeming to notice I was about one second away from physically wiping that smug smirk off her face for good. "I called a few people to tell them that you had some good news to announce. We're meeting at Junior's at 1:30, which means you have exactly one hour to get yourself decent."

Leave it to Alice to plan a whole event around the divulging of my good news.

"Fine," I grumbled. "I'll do this. But who did you invite to this little shin-dig?"

"Oh just our closest friends. Your dear brother Emmett insisted on bringing this woman he met last month, and I'm sure Mike and Angela will be there."

I thought that through. If I told Emmett now, then there would be no clubbing required. That thought alone cheered me considerably.

"By the way Bella, we'll have to go shopping for your Saturday meeting with the hottest man on earth. So make sure you have time for that."

Her shopping plans jogged my memory. Dangit. I forgot to divulge one essential piece of information from that phone call last night. Might as well get it over with.

"Alice, I have to tell you something." It was never good when I started a sentence with those words.

Her eyes grew three times as big as they are normally, and her face looked apprehensive as I plotted out how to say this without causing her go extreme. I could not survive an 'Alice Brandon day of beauty' again. Alice could definitely make me look better, but would four days be enough time for her to work her magic? Would my nose be back to normal by then?

"I might have skipped over one tiny little detail of my phone conversation with the director."

"What!" Damn. This was the reaction I was afraid of. "What did you do- no. What did you say? Oh God, was it like the day with Brad Pitt?"

Of course Alice would come up with the worst case scenario. I don't think it will ever be as bad as the Brad Pitt debacle. Around any mildly attractive man, my IQ drops into the negative digits. It didn't matter if the man was the nicest, most down to earth man on the planet. It didn't matter if I already had a boyfriend. I would always open my mouth and insane things came out. It was exasperating! For instance, my first week in the city I was wandering through Times Square. Somehow, I still don't understand quite how it happened, I slipped through some barricades and ended up on a movie set. Of course I had no idea and I was looking for Alice… Then I rammed into him. I knocked him down. To the ground. It was the single most humiliating moment of my life. Right up until the moment that followed. As I reached down to help him to his feet I felt my mouth open.

"I'm from Forks!" I screamed. Into his face. Yes. I actually said that. To Brad Pitt. Needless to say, I was mortified beyond belief. Many days I have pondered why those specific words decided to make their appearance at that second in time. But, sadly, there is no explanation. It makes sense that Alice would be worried about what I said to Edward Cullen.

"No! It wasn't a hott man fiasco. But considering I did 'pull a Bella' yesterday and get hit in the face and water dumped all over me…. Well. He just… wants me to look the part."

"And…"

"And he would like for me to be more attractive by Saturday."

"And…" She was smiling widely now.

"And that is the one stipulation for me getting the role."

"And…" That damn Cheshire cat.

"And I need your help obviously." The words were almost indistinguishable through my gritted teeth. But Alice understood. She had all along. I think she wanted me to beg.

The bouncing commenced once again.

"Oh finally!" She all but sang into my ear. "I knew you'd come around eventually! Ok, here's the plan. We go to lunch, meet Emmett's secret girlfriend, yada yada yada… and then we shop!"

"Sounds great." Oh boy. A whole day of Saks, Macy's, and every tiny boutique in SoHo. I was overjoyed.

"Now get out of my room so I can mentally prepare myself for a whole day of shopping with you." Alice wasn't quite finished with her planning as I ever so gently shoved her towards the door.

"But Bella, tomorrow we'll have to get your hair done. If Paulo can't get you in then I guess I'll just have to do it myself. Then we'll need to go to the spa and get you good and waxed. It's been way too long Bells. Also, the Estee Lauder women at Macy's can probably tell us how to cover that bruise on your nose…"

It was a little harsh, but I slammed the door in her face.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Forty-five minutes later we were out the door and headed towards Junior's. I was dressed a little too causally for Alice's taste. Dark jeans and an ivory sweater and my favorite black Steve Madden flats. I told her to make her peace with it because the rest of the week I was sure to be strutting around town in ridiculous get-ups that weren't at all me.

That shut her up.

Alice, in true Alice fashion, looked as if she walked right off the catwalk. She refused to wear a jacket over her "killer new Vintage Chanel" silk dress. She found it in a Vintage store in SoHo and thought it was fate. "The pink color goes perfect with my skin, and the high collar is in for the winter," Alice had tried to explain when I flipped out over the hefty price tag for her new purchase. It was sleeveless, and it was December in New York. She must have a death wish. Or a flu wish. Oh well, nothing stands in the way of this woman and her fashion.

As we strutted down the street laughing at a memory of a particularly nasty fall I once had in the city, I spotted the restaurant. It was my absolute favorite. Junior's was the very first place I ever ate in the city. I had moved here one week after Graduation, my only motivation was to get as far away from Jacob as humanly possible. Alice was originally from Albany, before she moved to Forks in high school, and brought me to Junior's after I saw my first play on Broadway. I had seen many shows, just never in New York. There was an unnatural high I received from being in the place where all this magic had happened for years. Then I went to this incredibly local restaurant and ate the biggest piece of cheesecake known to man. It was a day that I would never forget. I felt a weird sense of nostalgia walking back through the doors almost exactly one year later, but just as elated as I was that first day.

I quickly spotted Emmett even though he was sitting with his back to me. He was quite possibly the biggest non-body builder I had ever encountered. It didn't make sense that we were related at all. Emmett was outgoing, extremely good looking, and carried around an almost sinful self-confidence. I was shy, not much to look at, and had as much self-confidence as a shrub. But hopefully things would change in the confidence department. After all, I had the lead in a Broadway show! The back of the girl sitting next to him was strangely familiar as well. She was blond, and obviously liked the way she looked. Her clothes were practically painted on. It's Emmett. That makes sense.

Then I noticed Ben, Mike, and Angela, on the side of the table facing us, waving us over. I walked up to the table with Alice in tow, but when I reached it I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Rose?!" I screeched.

"Bella?" She replied back, just as shocked.

"Emmett…" we said in unison, both turning to smile at him.

"You're his infamous sister?"

"You're his secret girlfriend?"

We started laughing as we scanned the table and took in everyone's looks of confusion.

"This is too much! Alice, do you remember me telling you about the girl who hit me in the face?" I turned to Alice, who was a big believer in fate, and wasn't surprised to see she was already enveloping Rose in a hug from behind her.

"Finally! A friend who can help me make over Bella!"

I cringed. She was way too excited by that possibility.

"Wait, wait wait. Hold on a second. You two know each other?" Emmett's booming voice was heard above all the commotion. He was looking at us quizzically.

We both nodded, still chucking at the odds.

"And Rose hit you in the face?!" He was angry now. No-one in the room missed that. He was up from his chair in a second, and then he was in my face poking at the bruises there.

"No! Em, it was an accident. We met at an audition, and she hit me with the door. It's more my fault really." I was laughing in earnest now, pondering the situation. It really was funny how I managed to get myself in these predicaments.

"Yeah!" Rose laughed. "She heard me bomb my audition and then and went and did hers perfect even with her nose all jacked up!"

"Then we went out for coffee and now she's your secret girlfriend!"

Emmett scowled.

"She's not a _secret _girlfriend. She is my girlfriend that I have been wanting you to meet for a month now." Oh, that's right. He had tried to get me to go out with them several times. But I had no intention of sitting in close proximity to Emmett and some trashy girl making out. This was a pleasant surprise.

"Well we've already met." I announced, going to sit next to Rose at the end of the table.

Alice was overjoyed. I could tell she already planned on Rose helping with the rest of the days' activities because she had an evil glint in her eye.

"I'm Alice," she said, holding her hand out to Rose. I thought that was strange since she had already molested her with a hug, but conceded that it was just Alice's backwards way of doing things.

"Rosalie," Rose said, taking her hand. She was nothing like the girl I had first perceived her as. I could tell she and Alice would be friends for a lifetime.

Emmett huffed and took his seat again as I turned to the happy couple to my left.

"How are you guys?" I usually addressed this couple as one entity, since I had never seen them apart. Angela answered for the two.

"We're great! Mike just got a gig playing piano for some jazz club uptown, and I got a temp job at a law office."

Angela and Mike were some of my best friends. We met at the equity office several months back. I was having trouble filling out all the paperwork it took for you to be counted as equity, and Angela offered to help me. Turns out she and Mike had just moved to the city to try for their big break, and they were trying to get equity as well. All New York actors know that you live and die by equity. And I do mean that quite literally. They got you health insurance, jobs, life insurance, and all that good stuff. We ended up hitting it off right away. They were the first friends I had made in the city.

"And Ben, I haven't seen you in forever! What's new with you man?!" I looked over at Ben who was sitting at the table quietly.

"I'm good. I just got a job at this little publishing house that is just getting up and running. I'll be doing a little editing for the Post on the side for a while. A guy's gotta eat," he said that last part defensively. He knew we all hated the Post. They give the most vicious reviews you think of. You don't even want a good mention in the Post, because people will skim it over and clump you with a bad review.

I liked Ben. He always was so sensitive. Since Ben was a writer we had always gotten along really well. I was secretly hoping he would write me a play someday. We met on the opening night of a David Ives play on Broadway. We were both waiting in line the whole day together, so naturally, conversation happened. We've been friends ever since.

"No, that's awesome Ben. The Post critics might be bitches, but it's a great paper!" Ben, sneaked a look at the couple who were now embracing gently. His brow furrowed. I knew how he felt. I was cynical about all things to do with love. Sometimes, although I loved them, their lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey crap made me want to slap them. I resisted the urge.

"Bells, would you like to tell me the story about you and Rosie." I saw Rose elbow Emmett in the side at the word "Rosie". Guess she didn't like her nickname. That made me smile.

"I told you Em, we met at a cattle call for a new musical. She was in line right before me, and I leaned my head against the door to hear her audition. But she barreled out of the room like a bat out of hell and the door knocked me out cold."

"Oh Emmy-bear it was so funny! You told me your sister was klutzy but I had no idea that this Bella was your sister. That's hysterical." Emmy-bear? She was definitely making up for his "Rosie" incident quickly. This girl had my brother whipped. He only flinched as his ultra-macho name.

"Then we went out to coffee and Rose took me to the doctor to see about my nose."

"Bella, I wasn't even going to ask. Half the times I see you you're bandaged or on crutches or something. I for one am not at all surprised," Mike laughed.

"Ha ha. It's not international pick on Bella day, so keep your comments to yourself lover-boy." Angela blushed at my comment and that made me wonder about their relationship. It was usually pretty rocky. Even though they had been together two years, it seemed like they broke up at least twelve times since I had been friends with them.

"Emmett, how long have you and Rosalie been dating?" Alice questioned them. I could tell she was excited about their relationship. Hell, I was excited about their relationship! The fact that Emmett had been seeing one woman long enough to bring her to lunch with his sister was blowing my mind.

"Well," Emmett started shifting in his seat, but Rose reassuringly grabbed his hand that was resting on top of the table. I loved them together already. He flashed her a smile and continued. "She came to my club about three months ago and these guys were giving her a hard time, so I saved her. And we've been together ever since."

Rose quickly elbowed him again and I could tell that maybe his version of the events was slightly embellished.

"Em's right, the guys were all over me. And he was on his way over to pull them off when he saw me slug one of the pretentious bastards. He asked me out for two months before I ever said yes." She flashed us a huge smile, proud of being the one woman who apparently made Emmett grovel.

"So Alice…what are you up to these days?" Angela hedged, taking the tension away from the shame of Emmett's exaggeration.

"I'm just free lancing right now, but I hope to do some costume design soon. It's something I never realized I was interested in until Bella here got her great news." She raised her eyebrows at me, effectively forcing me into recounting my story.

"What news?" Angela turned to meet my red face in a flash, as did the rest of the table.

"Ok. Don't freak out, but Alice invited you guys here because something really incredible happened yesterday. After my horrendous audition-"

Cough. "Liar." Cough. Rosalie was already picking up on my self-confidence issues.

"Fine. After my _fabulous,_" I sneered the word at Rose, "audition yesterday, the director called and told me I had the part."

Silence. As silent as the grave. It seemed the whole restaurant had secretly been listening to our conversation, and they were silent as well.

My mind was screaming_. Of course they're shocked Bella! You've never been the lead in anything before!_ If I was being honest, they probably thought I had finally cracked up and were wondering what home for the insane would be right for me.

Then, as if on cue, Emmett started clapping. The slow clap.

Mind you, we are in a restaurant. Full of people. Strangers, no doubt, but still, they are people, with ears.

All the occupants of the table were clapping as loudly as I'd ever heard. In fact, my right ear was going partially deaf due to Emmett's pounding.

Then they were yelling. All at once there was laughter, and tears, and screaming. All the lunch-goers thought we'd all lost it I'm sure.

I soon found myself in the center of a cliché group hug full of my closest friends.

"Bells you did it!"

"So proud of you sis!"

"I told you the director loved you!"

"This is incredible!"

Choruses of congratulations were swarming about, and I was overwhelmed.

"Thanks guys," I cried, "but let's sit down. We're making a scene."

Everyone laughed and returned to their respective seats. I looked expectantly at Rose, worried that this might upset her. After all, I got the part that she wanted.

"Don't look at me like that Bella. I'm in the chorus. We'll be working together."

Inwardly I let out a huge breath I wasn't aware I was holding. That meant that I would at least have one friendly face when I started this thing.

"What's the show sis?" Emmett appeared to be reverting back to his childhood. He was smiling so widely that his dimples were on display, and his cheeks were flushed with the kind of excitement he used to show on Christmas mornings.

"It's a Shakespeare poem, _Venus and Adonis,_ but modernized, and set to music. The script is in Elizabethan English, and it's got almost all the original text, but since the poem is so short, a lot of dialogue had to be added. The writer was at auditions."

"Wow that sounds really interesting. I've read the poem. You're playing Venus?" Angela questioned.

I blushed. Obviously a few people at the table were familiar with the poem. And I'm sure that they thought it as odd as I did that I was chosen to play Venus.

"Yeah… it ought to be challenge." I was hinting to Alice that it was going to be more than a challenge (next to impossible) to make me into the Greek goddess of love, but she returned my subtle hint with an endearing smile.

I was accosted with a never-ending stream of questions for two more hours. When do rehearsals start? Who is my co-star? In what theatre will it show? Who is my director? (All the girls squealed when I mentioned my angel, Edward Cullen. I just got butterflies attacking my stomach.) Will there be a lot of dancing in the show? Who are the producers? Most of the questions I conceded to not have the answers to yet. After all, most of that would be taken care of on Saturday.

Saturday… I did not have time to fret about that just yet. I had more pressing matters at hand. Once Alice mentioned our little shopping excursion after lunch, Rose and Angela both jumped on board. That meant that there would be three pairs of eager hands clawing at me for hours on end. Emmett laughed at the horrified expression on my face, and I vowed to give him a taste of his own medicine sometime in the near future.

Soon I was hugging everyone and being drug out into the streets of Manhattan for what was sure to be one adventurous day for me.

But somewhere in the back of my mind there was a little voice that was not opposed to my "New and Improved Bella Image."

That voice was the voice that assured me Edward would like the "New and Improved Bella."

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"Just SHUT UP and try it on!" Alice squawked through the dressing room door. Guessing she was a little fed up with my surly attitude I tugged the tiny garment over my head.

"I don't even know how this thing goes on!" I mumbled obscenities as I tried to force my head through the arm-hole, yet again. This was my fifth attempt to try on the same dress. "It. Won't. Work." I snarled at the crew waiting for me beyond the door. Practically in tears, I ripped the dress off over my head, grabbed the hanger, and sent it flying over the door. There was an "ouch" as the hanger made contact with someone's head. At the moment, I was too frustrated to care. That is, until Rose's voice bellowed throughout the department store.

"Bella. I am sick and tired of your bitching. The next thing you try on will be your outfit. You will like it. You will smile and let Alice pay for it. You will look sexy. And you _will_ shut up. And then I will have myself a stiff drink. Have I made myself clear?"

Alice sighed and grumbled at Rose's demands. She was clearly upset that this announcement meant the end of shopping day. I wasn't. A little afraid of Rose's tone, I quickly hurried to put on the next dress, when I heard Angela's stifled laughter. Then I lost it. Quickly succumbing to a giggling fit, I slunk down to the floor in my underwear and my dress only half-way on. Alice threw open the door only to crack up at the sight. Next thing you know we are all on the floor laughing hysterically.

"Sorry," Rose choked out, "I just get a little too domineering sometimes."

"It's fine. I'm used to it! Have you met my best friend Alice?" I glanced mischievously in her direction and saw the reaction I was going for. She was much too easy to provoke.

"Hey!!!" Alice demanded. "I don't _ever_ yell at you! Or make you do anything you don't want to."

"Ha! May I remind you of one incident of a thousand? Let's see… how about the time you forced me to get a bra fitting with that lesbian?"

"Well… I don't yell!" She replied emphatically. "I just firmly share on opinion on the matter at hand. And to clarify, Sherry was still questioning her sexuality at the time. How was I supposed to know she would feel you up?"

"Yeah, I didn't complain too much. It was the most action I'd seen all year."

This sent everyone roaring again.

"You made her get a bra fitting from a lesbian?" Rose guffawed.

"Uh-huh! I actually thought I'd never get her to step foot inside a department store ever again."

"That's horrible!" Angela cried, but the tears falling down her face reminded me that her comment couldn't be that sincere.

"If you saw the position her girls were in you would have done the exact same thing."

Rising from the floor I looked at my friends and smiled. Then I decided that giving Alice free reign wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would definitely make her happy.

"Ali," I sighed. "Just pick out whatever you want, not anything slutty, and I promise I'll wear it. I'm raising the white flag. Do with me what you will."

"Thanks Bells!"

In a flash she had grabbed Rose by the hand and took off finding everything in the store that was my size and throwing it at Rose. I suppressed a groan. After all, I had given her permission. Angela sidled up next to me near the cash registers while I watched the hilarity ensue. She put her arm around me and sighed.

"Those two are really made for each other huh?" She indicated Rose and Alice.

"Yeah." I snorted. "I'm pretty sure that they're the long lost twin daughters of Coco Chanel."

"Bella, can I ask you something?"

"Anything, you know that."

"Well, it's just that…I think Mike is going to propose soon. I know we've been kinda rocky in the past, but we've been together a really long time. And lately everything has been so good. We talked about children a couple of nights ago." I grinned, knowing that it was Angela's dream to have a house full of children. "I have this hunch that it will be soon."

"That's awesome! I am so excited for you guys!"

"Do you think you could, I don't know, hint to him as to the type of ring I might like. I'm not like Alice or anything. It doesn't have to be extravagant. Mike is just horrible at things like that, and I know that you and I have similar tastes."

"Of course Ang. You can count on me. I know that Mike is pretty dense."

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An hour later I trudged through the door of my apartment bogged down with weight of my new wardrobe.

Stumbling to my room, I threw down all the clothes into a heap by the door. I would have plenty of time to sort through them later. Fully dressed I flung myself into my bed without a second thought. I found solace in the fact that Angela, Alice, and Rose had gone out drinking. That meant there would be no fashion show this evening. They asked me to go, but I simply couldn't will my legs to take another step, much less go to the club where Emmett worked.

My thoughts drifted swiftly to Jake. I'm not sure why I kept thinking about him today. Probably because I was envious of Angela, how she had found Mr. Right. And I had nothing. I hadn't been past first base in over a year. Hell, I wasn't even at the ballpark. No worse, I hadn't even received the flyer announcing the game. I was desperately and entirely stuck.

But was I stuck _on_ someone? Not allowing myself to think about Jacob really hadn't done me any good. It just kept me from dealing with the past. I remembered what he told me before the night that had practically ruined my life.

"_Isabella Marie Swan. I love you. I have loved you ever since the day I first laid eyes on you, and I will continue to love you as long as you are living. You know that I'm not perfect, and I'm not good at the romantic stuff. But I can promise you this. I will never leave. I will never hurt you. And I will love you harder than anyone else possibly could. Please, be my wife."_

_I stood stark still. I wasn't ready for this. I hadn't even told him I loved him. Did he know that? Was he expecting me to say it now?_

"_Baby," he whispered, cupping his hand to my cheek. "Please talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling."_

"_Jake…I…I…don't know. I just…"_

"_What? Whatever's going on it's nothing we can't work through."_

"_It's just… I'm not where you are. I'm not ready for a 'forever' commitment. What I expected, from you, from us…" I wasn't making any sense._

"_What do you expect Bella? For this to be perfect? Just like your dreams?" He was crying now. I did that to him. I caused this. "I can't believe you. Nothing I ever do is good enough. NOTHING!" I could see his anger pouring down his face. "I try to make a good life for you. I've given you everything I have. My heart, my soul. What else do you want?!"_

"_I don't know." I whimpered._

"_Well it sure as hell isn't me. You've always had this delusion of what love would be like. These fantasies where no-one ever gets bored, and love is a force to be reckoned with. And as much as I try to live up to your deluded misconceptions I always let you down. I see it in your eyes every day. You wish I were something else. Someone else. I give you everything and you still want more. Well guess what, I've run out. There's nothing left."_

"_I'm so sorry.." I sobbed. "I…lo..love you. And I want us to be together, I just don't like marriage. I don't trust it. You know about my parents and-"_

"_STOP! Don't you dare put this on Renee and Charlie. This has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. YOU. You make yourself miserable Bella. You don't trust anyone. Won't let anyone in. Even me, who loves you the most in this entire world, you hurt me every day and you don't give a shit. I'm done."_

_He started walking away._

"_Wait! What do you mean?"_

_He whirled back around, fury radiating from his whole body._

"_I'm finished. With you. You're dead to me."_

_I hit the ground with a thud, not remembering my knees giving out. My head was pounding, and I was shaking as I vomited into the grass. How have I ruined everything?_

He was right. He was right about everything. But still. Here he is. Coming back into my life. Not giving up. Still fighting for us. For me. Do I want to refuse him?

No. I want to be loved. I want what Mike and Angela have. I want to be safe, secure, warm. I want to be happy again. I want Jacob.


	5. The Fate Allows

The next week passed in blur. Like one of those rides at a theme park that spins you around so fast that all the colors blend together. In between hair appointments, waxing appointments, more shopping, and make-up lessons from the ladies at Macy's (my bruises were nearly gone!), I barely had time to breathe. Let alone prepare for Saturday. Luckily on Thursday the writer, Jasper Whitlock, called me to see if I wanted to run over some music the following day. We were going to meet at the Starbucks next to the theatre and he would give me the sheet music.

This situation would be great, even ideal, if it weren't for a pesky pixie best friend named Alice Brandon. Sometimes Alice has strange requests. This one takes the cake.

She insisted that she join me. On my business meeting! Of course I said no. Why would she think that would be appropriate? Why would she _want_ to come?

"I have this feeling that I should be there. Probably to keep you from saying something stupid and embarrassing yourself. And besides, who says we have to go together? What if I 'accidentally' run into you there?"

"Alice, no. No, no, no! I don't need you to baby-sit me and save me from myself. This is _my_ meeting and there will be no accidental rendezvous with you. Understood?"

Of course that's when she started crying. When I asked her what was really bothering her she practically spit out a monologue.

"You won't understand," she sniffed, "but I'll try to explain it anyhow. Obviously my intuition is telling me that there is someone I need to meet today. I can't quite explain it right, but I have this feeling that I need to go with you. And I won't deny it Bella. Let me make you a promise. I'll go and I won't say one word. I'll simply sip my coffee and wait for something to happen. But clearly I am supposed to go with you. These feelings are almost never wrong." Seeing my unchanging expression she changer her tactics. She pulled out the puppy dog eyes. "Please Bells, let me go with you."

"But-"

"We both know that I will not be the one giving in here." She stated stubbornly.

After minutes, that seemed like hours, of rational arguing (ha ha), I surrendered. Let her join me. Actually, the more I thought about it, it couldn't hurt to have Alice nearby. We could even come up with a signal that she would give when my word vomit would inevitably start.

I smiled thinking about how excited Alice was when I finally gave in. Sometimes it was too easy to please her, and I had to admit that most of the time her intuition was right on. It was like she had a sixth sense. If I could have a sixth sense it would be one that would keep me upright everyday. That might be the saddest wish I have ever heard. Dear God- give me a sixth sense so I will not fall everyday of my life.

As I was getting ready for my Starbucks meeting I wondered what my life would be like without Alice. She was my family, the one person I could always count on. Honest, caring, unwilling to give up on me; I need to be more like her.

The mirror showed my reflection as I attempted to do my make-up. It was still me. Looking more polished and refined than ever, but still Bella. Only Alice could do that. It wasn't that I didn't care about the way I looked. It's just that I never thought it would make a difference. Once plain, always plain. No-one ever looked twice at me when I walked down the streets of Manhattan. And I don't blame them. When you live your life begging to be ignored, why are you upset when it actually happens?

My phone buzzed in the pocket of my grey tweed trousers. I quickly unlocked it to see who the text was from.

_Hey Bells. I'm here. Can we talk? In person?_

_Jake_

Well, I'm looking better, feeling better…what the hell! I started to text him back. For the first time in a year.

_Glad you made it in. I guess we can talk. I've got a call-back tomorrow. Call me tomorrow evening._

That was good. It was breezy…aloof. I could still play hard to get. Even though I might want him back. Oh God. What if it wasn't breezy?

"Alice!" I cried running through the apartment in my bra and trousers.

"Where's the fire Bells?" she yelled from her room.

I busted in the door and launched into my story.

"I have an issue. Lately…well…ok." I had to stop and take a deep breath. "For the past few weeks I think I might have decided to give Jacob another chance." She started to protest but I held up a hand. "Let me finish. Anyways, we talked on the phone for a while and had a pretty civil conversation. And as you know, he is coming into town tonight. Actually, he's here right now. He just texted me and I texted him back. And I am not sure how aloof I sounded so will you please read the text and tell me that I did not sound like a fool?" I pleaded for her approval.

She snatched the phone out of my hand and read what he sent and what I replied.

"That seems perfectly normal. Why are you freaking out?"

"I'm not freaking out."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm-"

"Bella! Are we four years old? Tell me what's going on."

"I just am nervous about trusting him again!"

It was silent for about a minute before Alice sat down on her bed and gestured for me to join her.

"Bella, who says you have to trust him again? I mean, how are you even considering starting things up with him? He doesn't live here, and he never gave you any reason for you to go back to him."

I pouted as I answered her retort. "He is moving here if he gets a part in this show he is auditioning for. And let's see, he's called me everyday for a year, sent me flowers every week, written me letters of apology, and all I've done is ignore him. He cares about me. And I am sick and tired of being alone!"

"What am I your imaginary friend?"

"No Alice, you know what I mean. I want to be taken care of. I want to feel safe again, whole again."

"Well that's absurd. How could you feel safe and whole with the man who had sex with another woman on the night after he proposed to you?"

I was livid now. "Weren't you the one telling me to talk to him all this time?! To give him a chance to explain! And now that I've decided to forgive him you tell me that I shouldn't."

Alice put her head in her hands and did not look at me when she replied. "I thought it would help you move on if you forgave him. He broke you, and he has no right being part of your life in that way."

"Fine." I huffed, stomped down the hall to my room, and slammed the door. Sliding down to the floor, my back to Alice, sobs racked my body.

I didn't understand. I was sure Alice's pleading that I talk to Jake was to get us back together. Was she right? Do I deserve better?

Obviously not. I hadn't been asked out on a date in the past _year_. That was more than what you would refer to as a "dry spell". If this was my last chance to be with someone who truly loved me, I couldn't let it go.

I can't be alone anymore. I won't.

There was a soft knock outside of my door.

"Hey." Alice said, knowing that I was crying.

"Hey," I called back, not bothering to rise from the floor.

"Listen, I'm sorry. Do what you think is right. Do what will make you happy. I just want to see you happy again. And for what it's worth, you're not the only one hurting. The only one who feels alone. We could be there for each other Bells."

Suddenly guilt overtook me. All this time I was worried about myself, not even focused on the fact that Alice might feel this way too. She was so happy all the time, and it was easy for her to suppress things that hurt her. Usually Alice was an open book to me. But I had no idea that she was lonely too. It never occurred to me that she used her bubbly personality to mask insecurities that she felt. Too guilty to even answer her, I laid my head back against the door and continued to cry.

"Hey, stop your crying. You don't want to have swollen eyes when you meet Mr. Wonderful tomorrow."

I carefully pulled myself up off the ground and opened the door. My first instinct was to throw my arms around Alice and beg for her forgiveness. I'm such an ass sometimes. But she saw what I was about to do, and beat me to it.

"I'm so sorry." She was hugging me so tightly that I couldn't get a breath.

"Me too." I choked, and she released her hold.

"Get ready! We have to be there in two hours!!!" Apparently two hours to me did not equal two hours to Alice. "Your hair still needs to be straightened and you don't have any make-up on-"

"Yes I do." I grumbled.

"Oh," Alice recovered, "I mean you don't have enough on… Chop, chop Bella."

She disappeared in a flash. Our fights usually went like that. Over before they ever really began. We never fight, but in the last year I wasn't really myself, and I guess I had been so closed off for so long, that we would eventually have to hash out my feelings. I'm just thankful that the big talk was not happening today. It could wait for a little while, at least until I'm not so stressed. Alice was right about a few things. Jacob _had_ broken me. And Alice tried to fix me. But I guess I won't be fixed unless I want to.

Would being with Jacob heal me? Who knows? I would talk to him. Just talk. That couldn't hurt, could it?

I walked back into my bathroom and plugged in Alice's straightening iron. Usually Alice did this for me, but since this "makeover" had to last a while, she suggested that I try to do it on my own.

As it was heating up I went back to the make-up. Damn eyeliner! How anyone can poke themselves in the eye everyday, I'll never know.

Thirty minutes and some pretty severe burns later, my make-up and hair in tact, I went into the kitchen to warm up my voice. I loved singing in our kitchen. It was tiny, but enclosed, therefore the acoustics were amazing.

Only a minute into my warm-up routine I heard Ms. McKaskil banging on the pipes. Our apartment was not even near sound proof, and Ms. McKaskil from downstairs always banged on the pipes when I was singing too loud. Well today she would just have to deal with it.

I yelled at the top of my lungs, "Knock it off Ida!"

"You first, you…delinquent!" Ida's shrill voice floated up to me.

Trying my best to ignore her I pressed on.

BANG BANG BANG

"I have to warm-up!" I whined.

"Don't whine to me missy or I'll call the landlord!"

Damn that Ida. Sometimes I had day-dreams of going by her door with a big plate of cookies, diverting her attention, and stealing her hearing aides. Alice has expressed interest in helping me. Maybe it's time to take her up on her offer.

"Ms. McKaskil at it again?" Alice asked walking into the kitchen.

"Yes. I swear to God I hate that woman! When you go on and on about your weekend sexcapades she doesn't make a sound, but I do one scale and she releases hell's fury."

"Maybe in her old age she needs to hear about some hot romps. They probably take her back to her teenage years, back in 1582."

We laughed at Alice's joke, but much too loudly for Ida's taste.

"I heard that!" She snarled.

That only caused our laughter to increase ten-fold, and Alice pulled us into my bedroom to get out of the line of fire.

"Bells, wear that International Concepts Designs shirt that we bought yesterday. It will look fabulous with those pants!"

"You mean the painful, poofy, purple one?" I called throwing different shirts out of the floor of my closet, essentially trashing my room.

"What's with the alliteration Swan?"

I cracked up at that one. "Who taught you about alliteration?"

"You did." Alice scoffed.

"Oh, yeah. I'm so glad you remember all your grammar lessons Ali."

"They were the stipulations to get you to go to prom. Sometimes you really are evil."

"Hey! I helped you pass AP English! Why the hell were you even in AP English anyway?"

"Jared.." Alice swooned.

"You were in an advanced placement class just to talk to a guy?"

"Don't judge me! You took Auto Shop just to ogle at Jacob."

That's right. Forgot about that.

I quickly came up with a defense. Too bad I was a terrible liar. "For your information I was interested in knowing about the inner workings of the automobile."

"Sure, sure. Now put on the damn shirt and warm that beautiful voice of yours up. I have to go and finish getting ready."

After warming up some more, putting on the Alice approved top, and writing in my diary for twenty minutes (it calms me down), I had thirty minutes to get to the Starbucks to meet Jasper.

"Hey Alice, bane of my existence, time to go!"

"Uh…coming…" Alice stuttered, practically falling out of bedroom door.

I looked her over and gasped. What in the hell was she trying to pull?! She was wearing a bright yellow chiffon top, paired with a skin-tight back pencil skirt, and a pair of the sexiest heels I had ever seen. They were designer duds for sure.

"Excuse me… what the hell are you wearing?"

"Oh it's just a little something I threw together. You like?"

"Are you _trying_ to make me look like a bag lady? Wait one cotton pickin minute!" I exclaimed.

Alice cracked up. "Cotton pickin minute?"

"You…shut up. You are wearing your Christian Siriano!"

She evaded me by walking swiftly to the living room and muttering a soft, "No I'm not."

I chased after her, almost busting my butt in the death heels she put me in. "Mary Alice Brandon yes you are! And it was not more than four days ago that you explained this $5,000.00 purchase by saying that you had to wear it on 'the day that will define your life'. We're going to Starbucks. I doubt very seriously that many will see this excursion as 'life defining.'"

"Fine! I picked it out because I have a feeling I am going to meet someone today. And this someone just happens to be the man of my dreams. So if you don't mind, I think I'll wear what I damn well please." And with a flourish she huffed and stormed out the front door.

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If I told you that the meeting with Jasper was everything that I expected and more, I'd be telling the most enormous lie of the century.

It was NOTHING like I expected. First I had anticipated a chat with Jasper about the show. Little tips and hints about what to expect from the call-back material. Second I thought he might tell me a little about the songs. Where they fall in the plot and what the characters are feeling internally as they sing them. What I did not foresee was being the third wheel on Jasper and Alice's first date.

The instant we walked into the café I turned to Alice to point out the writer, but she had already locked in on him. Before I could say one word she was strolling sexily in his direction, a mischievous smirk dancing across her face. His eyes glazed over as he took in her appearance, and she sat down right in front of him. They launched into an easy conversation immediately. I think they knew all the basic facts about one another before I even could move out of the doorway.

Once I finally got his attention (by tripping over an over-sized armchair), he quickly acknowledged me and diverted his attention back to Alice. For three hours I sat, not speaking, merely listening to those two talk as if they had known each other forever.

Throughout this bizarre encounter, Jasper made Alice the executive costumer designer for the show, and asked her out on a date for the following evening. The next thing I knew they were headed out the door leaving me dumbfounded in their wake. Before they got too far down the street I managed to obtain Alice's attention long enough to get her to ask him for the sheet music.

I guess Alice _could_ see the future. I'll be damned.

They headed off on their merry way, and Alice promised to call later that night. What I gleaned from their hushed conversations was that they were planning to go to Central Park and take a stroll. Very romantic.

Not that I was upset by the turn of events. I much preferred going over the music on my own, without the accusing stare of the writer in my mind's eye every time I bobbled a pitch. And I was ecstatic that Alice had finally found a man she deemed worthy of her time. Additionally, this meant that she would be around during rehearsals. That thought cheered me considerably.

Back at the apartment, I burrowed myself in my room with my keyboard. I wasn't an accomplished pianist by anyone's standards, but I could plunk out a melody. Hopefully the fact that I chose to practice in my room would keep the wrath of Ms. McKlaskil at bay for a while.

The music was incredible. Simplistic, but full of the emotions of the characters. The lyrics flowed like stream of conscious thoughts from the characters. Jasper certainly had a talent of conveying emotional moments.

I worked for a good three hours before I decided that Chinese food was a necessity. Since Chang's was number three on my speed dial I sifted through the mounds of useless beautification tools in my purse to find my BlackBerry. I had eight new texts. Figuring it was Alice, I hastily opened the first one, eager to hear about her new man.

_Oh God Bella! I was so right. He is amazing. Don't expect me home tonight._

_Ali_

I chuckled as I replied.

_I expect many more sexcapades to humor Ms. McKlaskil with. Get. It._

_Bells_

Quickly I opened the next one.

_Bella I was wondering if we could meet somewhere for lunch on Sunday. I have something to ask you._

_Mike_

Hmm. I guess he will want my approval of his proposal plan. He's smarter than I initially gave him credit for.

_Sounds great Mike. Let's meet at Connolly's on 42__nd__ at 1:30._

_Bella_

Onto the next one.

_I really need to talk to you. Soon._

_Jake_

And another.

_It really can't wait. Won't you call me?_

_Jake_

Still more.

_Listen, this isn't something I can tell you through text. _

_Jake_

_Call me dammit! I'll come to your apartment._

_Jake_

_I just realized I don't know where your apartment is. Shit. Call me?_

_Jake_

_Are you ready for tomorrow?_

_EC_

I dropped the phone. It couldn't be! EC…EC…I pondered those two letters for what seemed like a lifetime. No. Edward Cullen doesn't text his actors… Maybe it was a mistake. What if it wasn't? Do I answer? Forget about Jake, EDWARD CULLEN texted me! And he didn't even have to! Where is Alice when I need her?! If texted him on my own, without her approval, I ran the risk of sounding like a complete idiot. If I didn't, he might think I was rude… What do I do? Think Bella, think! I've got it. I'll try a few test runs. If nothing positive comes out of it, I'll just tell him I didn't get the text.

Now… how to answer? Are you ready for tomorrow?

_Ready to see you…_

VETO. Too creepy. Delete.

_Yeah, I've been primped and plucked and waxed into submission. Hope I meet your standards now._

VETO. Too insane. Delete.

_If by ready you mean scared shitless…_

VETO. I can't say shitless to my boss. Send.

Wait.

Send? Send?! SEND!!! No, not send! Delete, I meant delete. Send it back, how do I get it back? "Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! Stupid Bella…" I proceeded to bang my head on my keyboard, thinking that the dizziness might cause me to pass out so that I could escape this nightmare. Why? Of all the times to do something stupid, why do I choose now? Oh, who am I kidding. Of course this would happen. The worst possible thing always happens.

I held my breath as I waited for the inevitable return text. What would he say? "Bella, I think instead of perusing this career you should probably check yourself into some inappropriate speech rehab program."

My phone started to buzz, but it wasn't a text. He was calling me.

It's over now. I'm fired. All my dreams have been crushed by one simple text. Alice will be so disappointed in me. Why didn't I wait for her?

"Hello?" I answered feebly.

All I heard on his end was an entrancing maniacal laughter. Oh, so he was going to laugh at me, then fire me. Bury me now.

"Hey!" He choked, trying hard to stifle his glee.

"I'm sorry-" We both started at the same time.

"Ladies first," he crooned. I felt my heart swell at the sound of his voice. It had been much too long since I heard it. My hands started to get sweaty and the phone was slipping through my fingers.

"I…uh…I didn't mean to send you that. I was joking. Listen I am very, very sorry…"

"Bella, don't be sorry!" He was still laughing. "That was the funniest thing I've heard all day."

"Really?" I squeaked.

"Yeah, really. Every time I've spoken with you, you've always managed to get me laughing. You don't realize what a feat that is."

"Oh come on! You laugh!"

"Not that often," He admitted, and I could hear the frown in his voice.

"Well in case consider me, Bella Swan, at your service. Anytime you need me to fall down, text you inappropriate things, walk in to an audition looking like I entered a wet t-shirt contest, or anything else, you let me know."

"It's good to know I have my own personal klutz to order around at my every whim."

"I wouldn't go that far, buddy!" It was amazing how I managed to be myself. But there was something about Edward this time, like he felt free to talk to me like a person. Like a friend. Could I be friends with Edward Cullen?

"Sorry for laughing at your expense, and for interrupting your evening." He said after a moment of silence. "I'm sure you have plans, this being a Friday night and all." Did he sound nervous?

"Yeah, if you classify plans as a carton of Chicken Lo Mien and a Lifetime movie." I scoffed. Actually, that was last weekend. This Friday I just sat in my room sending crazy messages to handsome men who controlled my future.

"Oh." Suddenly, he sounded a little brighter. "I also wanted to clarify our plans for in the morning. I understand you had a meeting with Jasper this morning, so I would understand if you don't think our breakfast is necessary."

"Actually, the meeting didn't quite go as planned. Jasper was a bit…distracted. So I would love to talk with you, if you have the time." Please, please, please have the time!

"Great. I was hoping to share with you my vision for the show before the male call-backs. We had a great turn-out for the initial auditions yesterday, and we've narrowed to down to about ten. So I don't think it will be an all day event. Is nine too early for breakfast?"

"Nine sounds perfect." You sound perfect.

"Then nine it is. I'll see you at the Moondance bright and early. Oh and Bella…"

"Yes?"

"I want to apologize for the way I spoke to you earlier this week. There is a lot of pressure on me right now. People are investing millions in this show, and it is my job to make sure it is a success. So when I asked you to change things about your appearance I didn't mean that you… that you… were not attractive before. Not that I'm calling you attractive…" He stuttered, seemingly unsure of what to say. "What I mean is, there are demands on me to have a certain look for this character, and you didn't exactly scream beautiful… Oh shit. I mean…"

"I'm plain. I got it. You don't have to apologize for that." And he didn't. I knew that I was normal. What I didn't expect was the pang in my chest when he said it. What else _should_ I expect? Edward would never look at me twice.

"No, you're far more than plain. Your voice is exquisite, Bella. And your acting, well it was inspiring. I just want you to know that I wasn't trying to belittle you by asking you to change part of yourself."

"It's fine," I painfully tried to laugh it off. "My girlfriend had quite the time making me over. It's her favorite thing to do."

"Right, well I'll see you in the morning Bella. Get some rest."

"You too." I grimaced while hanging up the phone.

The phone call was a roller coaster of emotions. Initially I was scared out of my mind, but then he started laughing; that was side to him I'd never seen before. Prior to this phone call he was god-like Edward, the kind that could never associate with earth-dwellers like me. But he talked to me like…well… like he wanted to talk to me. What if he did like my company? He said I made him laugh. And apparently that was an accomplishment. But really, how could I ever expect anything more? We were from different worlds. He was so amazing and I was…not. But maybe, just maybe, we could be friends. As long as I got to hear that laugh, it would be worth all the humiliation a girl could suffer.


	6. The Defining Day

I woke up with a start at four am. The sound of the door slamming is what did it. Wearily I dragged myself in the hallway to find Alice bouncing around the living room in her 'happy dance.' I hadn't seen the 'happy dance' in so long, I had forgotten how much joy it actually brought me. Even at four in the morning.

"Mary Alice Brandon. You better start explaining right now." Still chuckling, I pulled her down to the couch and plopped beside her.

"Oh my God Bella. Oh. My. God. There is nothing else to say. He is without a doubt the most incredible man I have ever met! And I'm doing costumes for your show! Can you believe it? And Bella, we didn't even kiss tonight. He said he wanted to get to know me more before we shared such an intimate moment. Oh Bella, he's such a poet. He has this way with words, and it's like he knows what emotions are going on inside you even when you don't-"

"Alice. Breathe."

"Oh. Sorry," she sucked in a deep breathe and sped on, "he is just the type of man I have been waiting for. He calms me down, and you know what a feat that is. All we did was walk around the park and talk. We talked for hours. I feel like I've known him forever. Oh thank you!"

"For what?" I croaked because she pulled me into a death grip.

"For letting me come to your meeting. Oh, and sorry about that…are you angry?"

"You would think I would be, but since Edward Cullen thinks it's very important for me to see him this morning to explain all the details that Jasper missed, I can't really complain." A wide grin spread across my face as I thought about the strange phone conversation that we shared a few hours ago.

"You talked to him?!" Alice exclaimed. I thought her eyes might pop right out of her skull because of all the days' events.

I launched into my story of the text message fiasco, to Alice's horror. Shock was written all over her face when I said that he wasn't offended by my crude language. She continued to tell me more about Jasper and about when they were going to marry and a census of all the children that they would have. I couldn't help but admire Alice's belief that he was 'the one', even though they had only known one another for 12 hours. When I realized that it was seven o' clock I had a minor melt-down.

"ALICE!!! How could you not inform me of the time? I have to see Edward in two hours!" Where did Bella Swan go? I'm pretty sure that the old Bella, having to be somewhere at nine, would be up by eight thirty and be ready to go by eight forty-five. This new Bella was way too high maintenance for my life. But hey- have to look good for Edward Cullen, right?

"Oh crap. Let's get started on your hair. That will take the most time. What are you just sitting there for, get in the damn shower!"

Apparently when a clumsy person sleeps for a grand total of four hours, their clumsy factor increases exponentially by about 50%. As I zipped off the couch to run to my bathroom, Alice called my name. I turned around to see what she wanted, only to find that my feet kept moving to the bathroom, in turn causing my whole body to run into a wall. Accident number one. After picking myself up on the ground and jumping in the shower before the ancient water heater could warm up the water I slipped on a bar of soap and brought the shower curtain down. Accident number two. The shower was a quick occasion, as was my hair drying. It was during the straightening process that accident number three occurred. I clamped the CHI iron down on my ear, causing me to drop it and also burn my foot. By that time I thought to get Alice to start using her womanly wiles to primp me, but she was passed out on the couch. It was useless to waste what little time I had trying to wake her from her dead-like state, so the morning continued in much the same way until I cleverly dubbed myself a "disaster zone." Was it just the sleep deprivation, or was it the fact that I would be seeing Edward in an hour or so? I suppose it was a combination of the two, but nevertheless, I was a disaster zone today, and that was bad news for everyone.

At eight o' clock I turned on Chopin's _Prelude in E Minor _so that I could clear my head. I inspected myself in the mirror. Miraculously, the bruising was gone from my nose, and the application of my make-up was semi-decent today. My hair was down and straight and I was praying that the air would be dry so it wouldn't turn into a lovely afro by the end of the day. The clothes were not too much of a stretch. I told Alice that I needed to feel some semblance of myself today, so that I could show the producers (and Edward) who I really was. She had me in a simple deep blue dress. It had a vintage feel, and that suited me. I wasn't conventionally pretty, especially compared with modern standards of beauty, but I believed my look was from another era. A simpler time, where natural women were considered attractive. The only thing about the outfit that worried me was the pair of heels that I had yet to slide on. The red pumps really did complete my outfit, but all things considered, this was not a day to be unsure on my feet. Quickly I tip-toed to Alice's bedroom to where I knew she hid my collection of flats. I lifted the dust ruffle and peered underneath her bed. Sure enough, there were all my prized shoes. They were all cute! I don't know why she insisted I only wear heels. Yes they made my legs look longer and made me feel sexier and blah blah blah… But my flats were my safe haven. I reached for the pair of yellow Jimmy Choos that I spent a small fortune on last year when I felt someone grab my ankles and pull me out from under the bed.

"Bella! How did you find them?" Alice demanded.

"I umm… sneaked in here last week when you went on that all day shopping spree and searched till I found them…"

"Bella, these shoes are hidden for good reason. You have to wear those heels today. And I don't want to hear another word about it."

"But-"

"That's a word!" She pointed an accusing finger at me.

"Alice, I'm having a clumsy day!" I whined.

"With you, EVERY day is a clumsy day! I don't care. Now you put on those red shoes."

"How did you know I was in here? Weren't you asleep on the couch?"

"Yes, but my subconscious told me in dream form that you would try-"

"Shut up Alice."

"Will do." She smiled at me.

"Fine. FINE, FINE, FINE!!! When I fall all over the place today and they believe me to be mentally challenged in addition to looking like an idiot I'll have _you_ to blame!"

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Of course I ended up in the shoes. Regardless of any plan I tried (slipping flats into my purse to change into later, leaving early enough that I could buy flats on the way to meet Edward, ect.) I was thwarted by Alice the Terrible. I only referred to her as Alice the Terrible on days like this. When I wanted to kill her. So there I was, tumbling down the street in three inch heels, headed to the Moondance Diner. Of course finding a cab was impossible, but I was only three blocks away. Three blocks wouldn't normally be a problem, but the death heels posed a large one. I swear I tripped every time there was a crack in the sidewalk. For a moment, I was sure that I would be hit by a cab, because in my rush to cross the street I actually fell all the way down to the ground. By the time I arrived my knee was bleeding and my hands were quite scraped up. I was still fifteen minutes early so I ran to the bathroom to clean up my knee.

Once it was decent, I procured a band-aid from a waitress; I headed out to find a table. Directors usually have a reputation for being prompt, so when it was ten after nine, I started to get nervous. I was surprised that I wasn't nervous before, but seeing as I was rushing around, I guess there was never really time to be nervous. Now that I had been sitting alone in a restaurant, sipping coffee for twenty minutes, the nerves came in full force. Maybe it was the caffeine. My hands were shaking as I poured the sugar in my third cup of java. I finally pulled out a book (one necessity in my purse was a classic novel, today I happened to be reading Cyrano de Bergerac) and began losing myself in it.

Twenty more minutes passed and I was starting to believe I was the butt of a cruel joke. I even surreptitiously looked around for a hidden camera. Just because I didn't see one didn't mean that one wasn't there. Once I decided to give up and run home and cry, the bell sounded announcing the arrival of another customer. I refused to look up from my book. If it was Edward, he would have to come looking for me.

Concentrating on the book when I felt his presence in the room was becoming a chore. Even so, I kept reading a sentence over and over, even when I knew he was standing at the edge of the table. The book was blocking my face from his gaze. I wondered if he was trying to figure out if it was me behind it.

"Bella? Bella Swan?" He asked, with mild trepidation in his voice.

I placed the book in my bag, and stood to greet him. Holding out my hand for a shake, I flashed him an amiable grin. He didn't shake my hand; instead I felt his eyes roam across my body in a way that made me feel stark naked. It was as if he was appraising me.

"Hello Mr. Cullen." I still held my hand in front of me like an idiot. He didn't answer, but his eyes locked with mine. My knees felt a bit wobbly, and I hadn't taken a breath in what seemed like an hour. The bell rang again, and that pulled him out of his trance. He shook his head violently, as if that would clear his mind.

"Wow… I'm sorry but…wow. I…I.."

"Yes?"

He cleared his throat. "I apologize for my tardiness; I had a family emergency to tend to."

"Is everything alright?" I questioned.

"Yes… well no… it will be anyway. I should've called. Have you already eaten?"

"No I haven't, would you like to?"

"Of course," he replied, pulling out my chair. I willingly took the seat and smiled as he took the chair in front of me. He gave me a half-crooked smile that sent the breath flying out from my lungs.

"Let me begin again. Ms. Swan, you look too ravishing for words. In fact, I believe you rendered me incoherent."

I flushed ten shades of red at his compliment. "No, you probably just forgot how to speak with the lowly actor."

"You have problems taking compliments." It wasn't a question.

"Guess I don't receive them that often." If it was possible I flushed further at his sexy smirk.

"Well get used to it. You look exquisite."

"Right." I muttered so quietly he couldn't hear. How quickly his perception changed once I was gussied up. Men.

"I'm glad you made it. Are there any questions you have for me before we begin?"

Yes. Are you single? That would go over really well. I wonder if I were to ignore all my natural instincts I could make it through this breakfast with a little style and grace.

"Well I was wondering when our rehearsals will begin, and how long we'll be in rehearsals."

"Great question. Usually I like to stage a show in a couple of weeks, and have it up in about a month. But considering our opening night is not until late February, and the date today is December 5th, we'll have some extra time to perfect the show. Just so you're aware, I expect a lot of my actors. The only people with lines in this show are Venus and Adonis. While the chorus members sing some of the songs, and the dancers are involved in all the ballet aspects, you will have most of the lines in the show. It is not as long as a typical musical. It most likely runs about an hour and a half. Have you ever done anything like that before?"

"Umm.." I balked, "I was in an all women production of 'Waiting for Godot' in college. Does that count?"

"Oh I would say that counts. An all women production? Who did you play?"

"I was Vladimir. It was… an experience."

"I'll say. Wow. Tell me about it."

"Well, it was definitely challenging. Being onstage the whole show, and the way Beckett added all the silences. I swear most of the time I couldn't remember if there was a silence or if we'd all forgotten our lines. But I loved every second of it. It really grew me as an actress."

"You're a very intriguing woman Bella. I would have loved to see that." He sounded sincere. "Really that was great experience for what you will be dealing with in this show. We obviously have placed a lot of faith in you. You'll never leave the stage and you must memorize over 100 pages of Shakespearean-like dialogue. The extra time will help you with memorization. Also I expect you'll become very close to your co-star. Almost all your rehearsals will be solely you and he. We are praying that of the men we narrowed it down to you will have some amazing chemistry with one of them."

"Me too." I whispered and he laughed.

"I bet you could have chemistry with a tree."

"Yes well I do pride myself on sensual scenes with fichus trees. In fact, I got a Drama Desk Award for a love scene with a Sequoia." Worst joke ever! Come on Bella… ignore your natural instincts!

He laughed a booming boisterous laugh. "Bella, you are absurd!"

"Um… I'm sorry. Sometimes my brain can't seem to control my mouth." Yep. This would be a great time to find a hole to crawl into.

"Well I like it. I can't tell you how great feels to be around someone who is not afraid to be real around me. Everyone I meet feels like they have something to prove to me, which makes me not act like myself. If there's one thing I can't stand it's a fake person. Seriously, I find you very intriguing. Where did you study acting? And what was… I'm sorry Bella. I'm rambling. I say too much around you."

"No you don't! You know a lot more about me than I do about you!"

"Okay, well let's take turns. I ask you a question about theatre, and if you get it right, then you can ask me one personal question. But if you get it wrong, then I get to ask you one. Deal?" I saw a mischievous glint in his eye. I wonder where he's going with this? What did it matter to him about my personal life?

BELLA. Resist your natural instincts.

"Deal."

"Okay… let me think of a tough one…" The wheels were spinning as I imagined him coming up with the craziest question that I could never in a million years guess the answer to.

"Why not start out with an easier one?" I hedged.

"Why not? Who wrote _The Crucible_?"

"Don't make me laugh! That's too easy! Who is Arthur Miller. I'll take 'famous playwrights' for 400 please." He laughed at my mock Jeopardy voice. "I'll take it easy on you for now because you took it easy on me. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Chicago, born and raised. I moved to New York when I dropped out of high school."

"You dropped out of high school?!" Whoa, that's a shocker.

"It's not your turn Bella. Play by the rules, dear." My heart fluttered when he called me dear. "And since my question was too easy for you, try this one on for size. What is the term that Bertolt Brecht coined relating to his style of theatre?"

Think Bella… you know this. Something about making the audience know that they're watching a play… "You sound like a professor.." I was stalling.

"Don't avoid the question Ms. Swan?" He beamed at me.

"Uh… the Un-suspension of disbelief?" Dumbest answer possible.

"Nope. The Alienation Effect."

"Damn. I knew that!"

"Apparently you did not." He answered arrogantly. I never knew arrogance could be so hot. "Now it's my turn. Do you have a boyfriend?" His brow furrowed after he asked, like he didn't mean to say that. My pause caused him to renege the question. "Never mind, too personal."

"Actually it's not that personal. No, I'm currently single. In fact, I've only ever had one boyfriend in my whole life. To those who know me, that fact is common knowledge."

"How long did you date him?"

"That's another question Mr. Cullen." I started to feel more at ease and winked at him. This time he blushed.

"Please, call me Edward." With that sentence he unleashed the full power of his eyes on me.

"Edward.." I breathed.

"Another question then: Who was the original Annie in Annie Get Your Gun?"

"ETHEL MERMAN!" Yep. I shouted Ethel Merman. What the hell is wrong with me?

"You a Merman fan?" He chuckled.

"Who isn't! She was the last of her kind. Let's see, since you asked such a personal question last time… Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Pass."

"You can't pass!"

"Actually, I make the rules to this game, and we can veto one question. So I pass. Next question." There was an emotion in his eyes I couldn't quite make out.

"Sure, what's your favorite song?"

"I'll give you a favorite in many categories for being so rude on your previous inquiry. Classical, really anything by a Romantic French composers, but I'm quite partial to Debussy. _Claire De Lune_ is a favorite of mine to play. Let's see, this might interest you. My favorite musical theatre song is 'How Glory Goes' from _Floyd Collins_. I'm a big Damien Rice fan, so I guess in popular music my favorite might be _The Blower's Daughter_."

"Rap?"

"If I must answer… _Nuthin_ _but a 'G Thang_" he said, earning a huge laugh from me for his horrendous attempt at ebonics. "I love your laugh," he smirked.

Still chortling I continued to grill him. "Rock?"

"Current or classic?"

"Both."

"Current, _Shine_ by Collective Soul. Classic, _Like a Rolling Stone_ by Dylan."

"Mmm, Motown?"

"That's easy, _Signed, Sealed, Delivered_ by Stevie Wonder."

"Jazz?"

"Anything Ella Fitzgerald."

"Country?"

"I abhor it. Please don't make me answer that."

"Well that was enlightening. I admire your musical taste."

"Yes, well I'll have to think of a hard question so I can learn of yours. What is George Gershwin's real name?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"Nope."

"Georgie?"

"Israel Gershvin. Classical?" Braggart.

"Well I love Liszt, Wagner, Barber, and I'm quite partial to Chopin. I usually listen to Chopin to clear my head. _Adagio for Strings_ by Barber is by far my favorite classical composition."

"Musical theatre?"

"I love 'Some People' from _Gypsy_, but it ties with 'All the Wasted Time' from _Parade_."

"Pop?"

"Ummm… _Fix You_, Coldplay."

"Rap?"

"Pass."

"Ha! Current and classic rock?"

"Current, anything by U2. Classic, _Hey Jude_."

"Motown?"

"_Ain't too Proud to Beg_, the Temptations."

"Jazz?"

"Well I love Ella too. So I guess my answer isn't so original."

"And finally, as I cringe, country?"

"Why Johnny Cash of course."

The waitress appeared and took our order. I asked for yet another cup of coffee and some pancakes. Usually I wouldn't eat when out with a man such as Edward, but knowing that I never stood a chance with him somehow made me comfortable enough to be myself. Edward beamed as I ordered a short stack and followed suit.

"I appreciate a woman who knows how to eat."

"Well that's one thing I can do. Food is sort of a second passion of mine. I view cooking as a form of therapy."

"Are you a good cook?"

"I'd like to think so. My roommate certainly appreciates my cooking."

"You'll have to cook for me sometime."

Maybe I'll make you breakfast in bed… No Bella. Fight the instincts! "Sounds like a date." Oh God. Did I just say that? Shit.

"Bella? I hope I haven't given you the wrong impression this morning. I've had a wonderful time but-"

"You can stop right there. It was a figure of speech Edward." My face was on fire. It was strange how much that rejection hurt. I mean, I expected it and all, but it felt like my heart was being ripped into.

"Sorry Bella. I'm just used to women hitting on me all the time. And it's just so easy with you. I feel like we've been friends forever. How cheesy is that? And we haven't even really discussed the show. Some director I am."

I frowned a bit at his self-destructive comment. "You've been wonderful. It will be much easier to work with you now that we're comfortable around one another. Here I thought you would be intimidating and cruel, but you've turned out to be really sweet." And ever so dreamy…

"It's weird, but I feel like I can talk to you. This is the most relaxed I've been in months. And I will take you up on that dinner. How about next Saturday evening? You can cook at my place. I don't think the oven has been christened yet. That's very sad considering I've lived there for over three years." He stopped to pinch the bridge of his nose. I figured it was a habit, a way to relieve tension. "I hope you don't mind that we strayed far from professional talk." His face looked anxious.

"It's nice to meet a new friend. You're a far cry from my best friend Alice. The change is nice."

"What's Alice like?"

"Like an everlasting gobstopper, or the energizer bunny, or the two put together. You do the math."

He softly sniggered at my comparison. "She sounds like a hoot."

"You'll know her soon enough. She and Jasper got pretty cozy yesterday. In fact, after our so-called meeting, I didn't see her for a good twelve hours."

"Really…so that's why Jasper couldn't make it to the call back today? He was out with a girl. Very interesting…"

"Now don't yell at him or anything…" I suddenly felt the need to protect Jasper, even if he did snub me yesterday.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Our food came shortly thereafter, stifling our conversation. We were both too busy stuffing our faces to acknowledge the peaceful silence that appeared. Once the waitress was cleaning up the table, Edward got out his briefcase and began to sift through papers.

"I have your contract. The basic points are Equity things, salary statements and the like. Feel free to look it over if you have any concerns." He pushed the large stack of papers in front of me. Not wanting to waste any of my time with him reading the dumb contract, I began signing it right away. "Don't you want to read it first?" He worriedly drummed his fingers across the table-top. I couldn't help but admire his hands. They certainly were piano hands. What I wouldn't give for him to caress me like he did the keys… Focus Bella.

"No, I trust that you wouldn't lead me astray."

After a bit of show talk later, we recognized that it was nearly eleven. The call-backs weren't due to begin until one, but he wanted to give me a crack at singing through the big duet before the guys came. As I stood up from my chair I realized that I hadn't vacated it in over two hours. Of course I was a little light-headed and the heels adding the extra height caused me to topple over almost immediately. As I resigned myself to a humiliating fall, I felt two strong arms wrap around me in protection.

"Whoa, easy there Bella." Our eyes met, and every inch of me that his hands touched was on fire. I suddenly felt a pull to him, like a magnet. Or like a moon to a planet, whose survival depended upon the planet that it orbited. His gaze penetrated all my carefully constructed walls, and I was completely vulnerable in his arms. Just like in my dreams. All I wanted to do was to kiss him. If I were to just tilt my head slightly our lips could touch-

"You seem to be very accident prone."

His comment yanked me out of my reverie. "Oh falling is what I do best. Thanks for keeping me from injury." For the time being.

Once he paid for our meal, despite my vehement protests, we headed to the theatre. My heart sped as he placed his hand on the small of my back to lead me through the throngs of people crowding the street.

I was still jostled by the crowd a bit and lost Edward. The theatre was in sight so I figured that I could just meet him there. I continued walking, but set a faster pace. The sooner I got there, the sooner I could stare at him again. BAM. I ran smack dab into a very large man in front of me and fell to the ground. Again. This had to be some kind of record.

"Watch where you're going you idiot!" His voice caused a shiver to move up my spine. He looked down at me on the ground and made a growling noise.

"I'm…s-s-sorry sir…" I stammered.

"Don't you speak to me you incompetent little bi-"

"Who the hell do you think you are?" I heard Edward's voice roar, out of nowhere. "Leave her alone." He bent down to help me up and whispered in my ear, "Are you alright?"

"Fine." I lied. There was something about the man that gave me the creeps.

Edward turned to the man with a ferocious look in his eye. "I swear if she so much as has one scrape on her, God so help me-"

"Look, she ran into _me_ buddy. I'm not looking for a fight." I'll bet he wasn't.

"He's not worth it Edward." I tugged on his sleeve and spoke quietly in his ear. He shivered. "Let's just go." Without another word, he nodded, grabbed my hand, and pushed us through the crowd. As we passed the man Edward gave him a jab with his shoulder.

We walked in the stage door of the Gershwin and Edward was still pulling me along by my hand. Stopping abruptly he turned me until we were standing face-to-face, our noses inches apart. His breathing was labored, and there was an unmistakable trace of pain in his eyes. "Are you sure you're alright?" Fiercely, he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me even closer to him.

"Yes Edward, I'm fine. Things like this happen to me all the time. Are you alright?"

"No. Sorry, but he was out of line. How dare he speak to you like that?"

"Let's just forget about it, please. I'm okay."

He nodded and started walking, keeping my hand firmly in his grasp. I watched his expression out of the corner of my eye and felt an overwhelming sense of calm. His presence alone made me feel protected, like no-one could touch me. In fact, it would be impossible using mere words, to convey the way he made me feel. On the one hand I was flying high, all my fears and problems forgotten as we soared into a vast abyss. On the other hand I was spiraling out of control, crashing back to the earth with an ear-shattering smash. It was both terrible and astonishing at the same time. Astonishing, because this is what I'd waited all my life to feel, and terrible because I know how he felt about me in comparison.

And then I had an epiphany. Not even with Jacob did I believe this much passion could even exist, let alone that I would feel it after spending so little time with this man. But not only passion: joy, excitement, peace, contentment. Edward made me experience myself in a new way. Around him I was confident, funny, engaging…even sexy. I took risks. I was honest. I loved myself around him. And the epiphany was that I could not be parted from him now. That I _would_ not. One way or another, he had to be in my life. It didn't matter in what capacity, as long as here was here, with me.

Shuddering, I began to imagine Edward's expression if I ever revealed how much our few hours together meant to me. How obsessed with him I'd become. The depth of the epiphany I just experienced. I spent the last week trying to convince _myself_ I felt otherwise, that this was another delusion of grandeur I would have to get over. But being on Broadway was a delusion at one time, and here I was. Maybe I stood a chance. Maybe this miraculous man could give me the time of day once he got to know me. Maybe this was my shot at true love.

We stepped onto the stage and I stopped dead in my tracks. I was so entranced by the theatre I even forgot that his hand was intertwined with my own. In this room, all my wildest fantasies would become realities. In this room I would show the world who Bella Swan truly was. In this room I would prove to myself that I was a force to be reckoned with. And as an after thought I added, in this room I would make Edward Cullen fall in love with me. I laughed out loud at my insane thoughts. The confidence surging through my veins caused me to get ahead of myself. This room didn't make me magic, which is what it would take for Edward Cullen to fall in love with me.

"What's so funny?"

I couldn't answer him. I was still soaking up the moment, committing it to memory.

"A penny for your thoughts?"

"Just taking it in. This is surreal." I dropped his hand and walked the length of the stage, staring out in the house at the never ending rows of chairs. Looking at the ceiling I noticed how beautiful the theatre actually was. "This is breathtaking."

"Breathtaking." He conquered, staring at me. Then his face contorted, suddenly appearing nervous. A quick subject change seemed to be in order.

"So Mr. Cul-"

"Bella, it's Edward." He chuckled a bit at my inability to remember that he deemed it appropriate for me to address him so informally.

"Sorry…Edward, how about we get started on that song? You have no idea what a terrible sight-reader I am." Actually, I kick sight-reading ass, but if it meant I got to hear Edward play piano all day, I would gladly pretend otherwise.

He nodded at me and walked over to the Fazioli baby grand that was center stage. "I never play anymore." He mused to himself, running his exquisite fingers across the keys. Caressing them was more accurate.

"Play me something?" I hedged, sitting down beside him on the bench. When did I become so bold?

"Love to. You said earlier you were a Liszt fan, correct?"

"Uh-huh."

Then his fingers danced across the keys with such grace that a gazelle would be envious of him. I heard the opening notes of _La Campenella (The Little Bell)._ It was a song that I listened to often when studying. I heard it for the first time in my music literature class in college, and the virtuosity of the song always left me speechless. Edward's rendition was perfection. There were no sour notes, no memorization slips, only beautiful music emanating from his skilled hands. As he played on, with passion, I was reminded of one of my favorite Shakespearean sonnets. The words, along with his notes, ran through my head.

_How oft when thou, my music, music play'st,  
Upon that blessed wood whose motion sounds  
With thy sweet fingers when thou gently sway'st  
The wiry concord that mine ear confounds,  
Do I envy those jacks that nimble leap,  
To kiss the tender inward of thy hand,  
Whilst my poor lips which should that harvest reap,  
At the wood's boldness by thee blushing stand!  
To be so tickled, they would change their state  
And situation with those dancing chips,  
O'er whom thy fingers walk with gentle gait,  
Making dead wood more bless'd than living lips.  
Since saucy jacks so happy are in this,  
Give them thy fingers, me thy lips to kiss._ _(sonnet 128)_

My mouth hung wide open as he pounded the final chords and looked at me for a reaction.

"That was…incredible."

"It was okay. I haven't played that piece in years." He started massaging his right hand with his left. "I had forgotten how far that song stretched my fingers." Amused at my still shell-shocked expression, he scooted off the piano bench and stood directly behind me. "Now it's your turn."

"Oh no, I haven't played in a year, and I was never good to begin with." I started to flee, but his hands gently, but forcefully pushed my shoulders back down.

"Please, Bella." He breathed. I could smell his sweet breath so close to my face. Damn him. Here goes another Bella Swan tragedy.

My hands were shaky as I placed them on the keys. I had no idea of what song to play, but I remembered Edward's comment about Debussy. So I started playing one of the only Debussy pieces of could recall, _Feuilles mortes_. Suddenly, as I played the opening chords, I lost a sense of where and who I was. Letting the music take over, my hands sped forward of their own accord, letting the melancholy notes linger just long enough in the air. The perfect acoustics of the room echoed a soft reverberation of Debussy's brilliant composition. I was so absorbed by the piece; I hadn't noticed Edward's breath coming in gasps behind me, and the feel of his body flush with my back. As I got to the ostinato in the middle of the song, Edward's hand started rubbing up and down the length of my arm. My playing ceased.

"Why did you stop?" He whispered. Although I couldn't see his face, I imagined his disappointed expression.

"I…I…couldn't remember anymore." I lied, not so convincingly. His actions caught me off-guard. There was no way I could continue concentrating on piano when his hands were slowly and torturously touching me. Even if they were the most innocent of touches.

He sensed my unease right away, and reverted back to professional Edward. Putting some space between us seemed like a good idea, so I stood up to vacate the bench so that we could get started with the rehearsal. "Shouldn't we learn the duet now?"

"Yes, we should. What I heard of your song was lovely. Thank you." Clearing his throat, he rummaged through his briefcase once again and immerged with sheet music. "This is the duet that is sung by Venus and Adonis right before his death. Your text is from the poem, and his is taken from a sonnet. It is their goodbye to one another. He is sort-of grateful for love in general, while she is desolate. Let's take a whack at it, shall we? I'll sing the male part if you'd like me to."

My heart fluttered. He could sing, play piano, direct, be completely irresistible to women… Was there anything he couldn't do? I convulsed in anticipation of hearing his velvety voice sing.

"It would help me if you sang." I grinned sheepishly at him and as he began playing the song.

The lilting melody was depressing and magical at the same time. You really felt a sense of loss from the music. My lyrics and Edward's were in counterpoint and contrast with one another. While my words were filled with despair, his were cadenced with the beauty and solidity of true love, and how the only thing that could keep him away from her now, was death.

I sang, and as if were true, my heart ached:

_'My tongue cannot express my grief for one,_

_And yet,'behold two Adons dead!_

_My sighs are blown away, my salt tears gone,_

_Mine eyes are turn'd to fire, my heart to lead:_

_Heavy heart's lead, melt at mine eyes' red fire!_

_So shall I die by drops of hot desire._

_'Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost!_

_What face remains alive that's worth the viewing?_

_Whose tongue is music now? what canst thou boast_

_Of things long since, or any thing ensuing?_

_The flowers are sweet, their colours fresh and trim;_

_But true-sweet beauty lived and died with him._

At the same time, Edward's voice offered the most beautiful sound to my ears:

_If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,  
Injurious distance should not stop my way.  
For then, despite of space, I would be brought  
From limits far remote where thou dost stay.  
No matter then although my foot did stand  
Upon the farthest earth removed from thee.  
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land  
As soon as think the place where he would be.  
But, ah, thought kills me, that I am not thought,  
To leap large length of miles when thou art gone,  
But that, so much of earth and water wrought,  
I must attend times leisure with my moan,  
Receiving naught by elements so slow  
But heavy tears, badges of either's woe. (sonnet 44)_

Somewhere, in the midst of our hours of rehearsing, I had the piece memorized. It was slow learning it at first, and Edward and I made many jokes at my expense. But during our twentieth time going through the piece I decided to stand away from the piano, because I didn't need the music anymore. I walked to center stage and began to sing in earnest, looking out at the empty chairs, imagining my Adonis, bleeding on the cold, hard ground. I didn't notice when the piano wasn't playing anymore.

I did notice when Edward stood in front of me and took my hands in his as we continued to sing. I did notice when he forced my eyes to meet his. I did notice the rest of the world falling away. I did notice how I would never be able to sing to anyone else as long as I lived. I did notice how my heartbeat was erratically beating to a syncopated rhythm. And I did notice when Edward's face was suddenly mere inches from my own.


	7. The Business of Misery

This had to be a defining moment. A man, _the_ man, the _only_ man it seemed I've ever wanted was about to kiss me. ME! Plain Bella Swan had snagged Mr. Wonderful. We kept inching closer and closer, and I could feel his breath on my face. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Then, I vaguely heard the sharp click of stilettos across the length of the stage, but I didn't care. His lips were so close I could already taste them. Nothing could stop me now. Except _her_ voice.

"Edward are you-" She stopped dead in her tracks as she took in the scene before her. I imagine it was a pretty compromising situation for Edward, even embarrassing, that he was about to kiss one of his actors. But his reaction still surprised me. Roughly, he shoved me ten feet away from him and swiftly walked over to the piano. He was shuffling papers when Victoria approached him. Her eyes were ablaze. Liquid fire. I thought for sure that he would melt into the floor.

"Well, well, well Eddie." She cooed in a sickly sweet voice. "Already making your rounds I see. Seems like you could've given Ms. Swan at least a day to become accustomed to the life of a _real_ actress. But I see that you couldn't resist, _again_." Her voice turned seething. There were definitely bitter feelings there. Of course I was much too stunned to notice.

Edward Cullen had been about to kiss me. Wait, was he? Or was he just in the moment? He seemed genuine, but I wanted him to be sincere. Was it all in my mind, because it is what I wanted? His actions just negated his sincerity. But he was trying to be professional. Can I fault him for that? Too many questions were rolling around my mind. Damn you Victoria!!! The scream reverberated in my head.

"Just running the duet." He snapped, staring at her icily.

"If that's what you kids are calling it these days." She retorted, forcing him to meet her gaze.

"Victoria, please. Not right now."

"Why not right now Edward? Clearly you were comfortable enough to 'sing' with her _right now_, so we can't fight _right now_? Obviously you have nothing else to do. Let's discuss, shall we?" Her passive aggressive tone made me shudder.

He looked at me, his eyes murderous, with no hint of apology, and then swiftly looked away. "There's nothing to discuss." He crooned nonchalantly, with a dismissive wave of his hand. I couldn't help but hear the double meaning of his words. "I was just going over the music with Ms. Swan. Now Ms. Swan," He started, walking over to me, but maintaining a safe, professional distance. "Why don't you go out and wait in the lobby? We'll contact you when it's time. I'll have Shelby print out some sides for you to read over."

"Edward I-" Without a fleeting look he interrupted me.

"It's Mr. Cullen." He whispered loud enough for me to hear, but quiet enough so Victoria would have to strain to hear. "Now please, wait in the lobby until we call for you."

Ouch. How quickly the tables turned. I tired to put as much acid as I could into my voice as I answered, but it still came out a choked whimper. "Yes sir, _Mr. Cullen_." I walked out without a backward glance, but not looking didn't keep me from hearing Victoria's shrill voice.

"Edward would you mind accompanying me to dinner tonight and then we can go back to your place and 'run the duet.'" That bitch.

I slammed the door as hard as I could. Fuming, I plopped down in a chair and stared up at the ceiling. What the hell? Five minutes ago I was seconds away from kissing the man of my dreams, and in a second he had gone from sweet and sexy to pompous asshole. What had I done? Sure he was worried about his reputation but… Oh how could I be so stupid? Obviously, he had a girlfriend. He shied away from the question earlier, and as soon as she walked in the room he turned cold. My heart dropped into my stomach and I felt traitor tears pulling at the corners of my eyes. Blinking frantically at the tears, I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, letting the air seep into my lungs in slow drags. How could I compete with that? She was gorgeous. And what was I? I must have been crazy to think he could ever….

Wait. Hold it for just one second. Alice always said to stay away form this kind of negativity and look at the facts. The facts were as follows: I like him, well more than like…. He seems like he likes me…. And that's all I need to know right now. It felt like I had trouble moving through the air, like it was thick and hazy. Was I really so bold to think I stood a chance with Edward Cullen?

In light of my newfound epiphany, I decided to try to maintain the easy friendship we had formed. I had many reasons for this. The most logical being that I enjoyed his company, perhaps more than any other person on the face of this earth. I love Alice, but being with Edward was different. I felt like I was stripped bare, to where only my soul was showing. I couldn't possibly give that up now that I had discovered it. Being with him came as natural as breathing. And to touch him would be an involuntary action. Again and again I ran over in my mind how he made me feel. When he looked at me I knew that he _saw_ me. And to someone like me, who's so easy to miss, that means something. The more illogical reasons for wanting him around were a little crazy, and I didn't let myself dwell on them. But still, I felt this indescribable need to be with him. Like his pain was my own, and his joy was mine as well. And besides that, I loved who I was when I was around him. In the ten minutes we had been apart I felt less beautiful, less confident, less like a woman, than I had ever felt. Sure it wasn't healthy; that's why I refused to dwell on it. But nevertheless, the reasons were there. My eyes still closed, my lungs opened up a bit, and my breathing was no longer ragged. My decision was made. I would not let him go. Now that I needed him. He was already a part of me. Like my missing half. I wouldn't go down with out a fight. Finally I smiled to myself. At eight o' clock this morning I would've never believed myself capable of having such thoughts. Of willing my dreams into reality. But he did that me. He made this woman. And he would know it, soon enough.

"Uh…Ms. Swan?" An afraid sounding voice resonated close by. Then I realized what I might look like. Sitting back in the chair, eyes closed, and grinning like a fool.

"Yes?" I answered, trying not to scare the woman any further.

"I have some sides for you to read over. I'm Shelby Collier, the stage manager." She held out her hand for a shake. I took it eagerly and smiled, attempting a normal demeanor.

"Thanks Shelby." I breathed, still not fully in control of my voice.

"What did he do?" She snapped.

"I'm sorry?"

"Cullen, what did he do? I see that look on plenty of girl's faces on their first day with him. He come on to you?"

"Um, not exactly." I stuttered, and my heart sped up as if I were running a 5k.

"I'm sorry for prying. Mr. Cullen's behavior is extremely hard to read. You wouldn't believe how many actresses have quit because of his witch of a…. Oh. Sorry. Sometimes I just unload."

"He was perfectly nice to me." I retorted curtly, while frowning. I couldn't conceive it. How could he act like this with tons of women? He couldn't. I know. He was being truthful, honest, and genuine. My refusal to accept what Shelby was saying seemed to turn her off. She stormed away in a huff.

I didn't care if I offended her. Edward Cullen was the man I just spent the morning with. Whoever he turned into when Victoria entered the room was a stranger. And who am I to judge a stranger?

Just then, four extremely good looking men wandered into the lobby. Of course I compared all their features with Edward's, and found none of them to my liking. Damn I had it bad!

The fantastic four just stood there, looking at me with blank expressions, for almost a full two minutes. Then a light bulb went off somewhere back in the dark recesses of my brain, they were waiting for me to tell them what to do. They probably thought I was the stage manager or something.

"Uh, hey!" I called out lamely, waving them over, even though they were mere steps away.

"Hello," the one to the far left said and beamed at me. "Who're you?" His voice was pure heaven. Although not near as celestial as Edward's, the quality of his voice reminded me of a game show host mixed in with a sexy night-time radio DJ.

"Bella Swan, aka Venus, who're you?"

"I'm Greg Schwartz, reading for Adonis today. Hey, do you even know what the hell this play's about?"

I cracked up. He reminded me of guys I went to college with. The ones who would always cheat off my Shakespeare quizzes because they never read. And it wouldn't matter if they had read because they didn't understand one line of it.

"It's a tragic love story." I told him a little condescendingly, while smirking.

The other guys seemed to be a lot more interested in me now that they knew they could possibly make out with me on a nightly basis. The rest proceeded to introduce themselves as Aaron, Sean, and Logan. I had to admit, while they were no Edward, I wouldn't mind making out with all of these men.

"So is this your first Broadway work?" Sean asked me, and he sounded a bit cocky.

"Yeah, I am completely surprised. I've been in New York for a year now and I haven't even come close to be cast in a show that's off-off-off Broadway." I laughed at my own joke, and snorted a bit. The fantastic four looked a little uncomfortable after that, so we sat there in awkward silence for a while before a few more men trickled in.

The next three were what I like to call the "three muskaqueers". They undeniably belonged in the theatre. Upon seeing us gathered in the corner, they strutted over. I soon learned the "three muskaqueers" names as Kyle, Mike, and Carroll. I loved these guys. I secretly hoped one of them of would get the part so that I could have a gay friend to go shopping with, not to mention how much easier it would be to make out with them. All loud and extremely flamboyant, the three told me about some of their work with Edward previously. Even hearing his name out of their mouths made my stomach jump. Apparently they had all met during his revival of 'Gypsy' about four years ago. They could not stop raving about what an incredible director he was. I was not surprised.

Another straggler, a guy, of Spanish descent, named Xavier stumbled in, looking extremely confused and lost. Sort of like a kid that lost his mom in Wal-Mart. He was extremely kind, and I could tell he was pretty green in the world of theatre. Actually, most of the guys were. And that gave me considerable confidence. I assumed that all the guys were here. Shelby, the stage manager, appeared again and handed out sides and sheet music.

As I was about to head back onto the stage with Greg, who was fast becoming one of my best friends, I started to hyperventilate.

There are moments in life where reality hits you like a ton of bricks. Where the truth of a situation, the gravity, the immeasurable enormity of a moment, finally sinks in. When you feel like everything in life had led you to this moment in time. Consequently, I did not feel like singing a Whitney Huston song in such a moment, but I did feel like throwing up.

My boss, one of the men who controlled casting in the city, was sitting right behind this door. I was practically already head over heels for him, and I had already crossed every boundary known to mankind with him in mere hours. How could I face him? I had to. He fought for me to get this part. I knew what I had to do. I had to go in there and prove myself. But how?

I didn't get time to ponder this thought any further.

There he sat, in the front row, almost glowing with radiance. Edward. Even though we'd spent hours together, his presence still stole my breath. As a fought for air in my shriveled up lungs, Edward spoke.

"Mr. Schwartz, Ms. Swan, Victoria and I would like to hear the dialogue on page fourteen. That would be side two. Try not to be nervous. We want you to succeed. You may begin when you are ready."

The fear in my eyes was evident. Even aliens from Jupiter could see that I had entirely lost my wits about me. I held the paper closer to my face to make out the blurred lines, but my hand was shaking so badly that even with it inches from my eyes it was still impossible to make out.

Running off the stage was out. God knows I would trip over something and probably be rushed to the ER. Fainting was also out, but I wish it wasn't. I always fainted at the most inopportune moments. Wanting to faint would certainly prove any chance of losing consciousness to be lost. What could I do?

Greg grabbed my hands and lowered them so he could look in my eyes. I pretended they were green.

"Bella, I know we just met, but you have to calm down. Don't worry about those people. It's just me and you here right now."

The look on my face didn't change, so he tried another tactic.

"Bella. Just imagine the person you're most comfortable with in the world. Then imagine I'm that person. Just talk to me Bella. We can do this."

I would have to remember to buy Greg something pretty.

I swallowed hard, chanced a look at Edward, who was staring intently at the floor, and averted my gaze back to Greg. He had a pleading look in his eyes that crumbled any indecision. This was his shot. I already had the part, for now, and this was his opportunity.

I started, coyly touching Greg on the arms, shoulders, and face. Flirting with everything I had in me. Imagining my breakfast with Edward. And how he looked when he played the piano. And how he stared when we almost…

"_'Touch but my lips with those fair lips of thine,--_

_Though mine be not so fair, yet are they red--_

_The kiss shall be thine own as well as mine._

_What seest thou in the ground? hold up thy head:_

_Look in mine eye-balls, there thy beauty lies;_

_Then why not lips on lips, since eyes in eyes?_

_'Art thou ashamed to kiss? then wink again,_

_And I will wink; so shall the day seem night;_

_Love keeps his revels where they are but twain;_

_Be bold to play, our sport is not in sight:_

_These blue-vein'd violets whereon we lean_

_Never can blab, nor know not what we mean."_

Greg stared deeply into my eyes, conveying the feeling that he did not want what I, as Venus, was offering. For, in truth, that was right. Adonis never falls for Venus until he is leaving this earth. He spat out the retorting line.

"_'Give me my hand, why dost thou feel it?'"_ I took Greg's hand and put it against my cheek.

"_'Give me my heart,and thou shalt have it:_

_O, give it me, lest thy hard heart do steel it,_

_And being steel'd, soft sighs can never grave it:_

_Then love's deep groans I never shall regard,_

_Because Adonis' heart hath made mine hard.'" _

This part I could certainly identify with.

Greg pushed me away and half-shouted the next line.

"_'For shame, let go, and let me go;_

_My day's delight is past, my horse is gone,_

_And 'tis your fault I am bereft him so:_

_I pray you hence, and leave me here alone;_

_For all my mind, my thought, my busy care,_

_Is how to get my palfrey from the mare.'"_

Greg read the lines almost perfectly. He stumbled over a few words and emphasized wrong ones. But he sounded like a typical male. As Adonis should in the beginning. He was supposed to be too worried about his duties and working to notice how much he means to Venus. I gave Greg four out of five stars. I enjoyed reading with him. It was like a breath of fresh air.

When we looked over to Edward and Victoria, they were smiling. I, however, was not. They were not smiling at us, instead they were looking at each other. And we could clearly see their interlocked fingers sitting on the armrests between their chairs. They were deep in discussion about the scene, so I turned back to Greg.

"You were great." I whispered.

"As were you. Damn, how could Adonis not be seduced by you? Hell, my girlfriend better be glad I have amazing self-control." He grinned at me to show he was joking. I attempted a smile back, but it was a grimace. He noticed.

"You okay? I thought you were passed the nervous stage."

"Yep. I just… never mind." I had to stop myself from spilling the whole blessed thing to Greg. I'm sure that he would've enjoyed my monologue about how I was a pathetic loser who was pining after a taken man who is way out of my league. Who wouldn't enjoy that?

I was startled when I heard Victoria's sugary voice. "Mr. Schwartz, thank you for your time. You will be notified by tomorrow evening about casting. Would you send in Mr. Lagunas, Shelby?"

I waved goodbye to Greg and watched he and Shelby walk out into the lobby. Victoria excused herself to get some water, while casting a dark look in my direction, and Edward and I were left alone once more. I expected it to be awkward. For me to always want to fill the silence with idle chatter. But with Edward, that didn't seem necessary. Watching him out of the corner of my eye, I walked to the edge of the stage and laid down, letting my feet hang over the side. The ceilings were something else. I could've sworn Michelangelo painted them.

"That went well." Edward muttered softly. It was a bonus. I hadn't expected him to speak to me so familiarly now that we were on "professional terms."

"Thanks. I like Greg. He's easy to work with."

"You were wonderful. I have no doubt we casted the right woman for the part." I leaned up to find him staring at me, seemingly trying to convey unspoken words with his eyes. Maybe affirmations, maybe apologies for earlier, maybe warnings to keep it professional. I couldn't tell because Shelby and Xavier came in laughing very loudly.

We went through seven more men after Xavier. Every reading went pretty well besides the fact that Victoria kept throwing snide comments my way.

"Bella, dear, if you look closely at the pentameter you would noticed that the word is pronounced asham-ed."

"Could you try to appear like you know how to seduce a man? You seem to be a little inexperienced in seduction tactics. Probably never had anyone to practice on."

"What's that? I couldn't hear you."

"Did they teach you about 'living in the moment' in college?"

"Articulation Ms. Swan!"

"Wonderful job Aaron. It's so nice to hear someone sing on pitch for a change."

My face was twelve shades of red. At any moment I was likely to spontaneously combust. It didn't help that for some reason I kept expecting the Edward Cullen I met earlier in the day to swoop right in and tell her off. Each time she berated me my eyes would plead for him to step in, and he would just focus his attention on his shoes.

But thank God, we had been through all the guys that I met in the lobby. I swore to myself if Vicky had so much as whispered one more word to me I would shank her. Of course, now that we were finished I would have no such opportunity. Tear.

I started to pack up my stuff when I heard Edward's soothing voice croon to me.

"Bel- I mean, Ms. Swan, there's still one more guy waiting. He got here a little late, but we still want to hear from him. Can you make it through one more?" He smirked a little at my petulant expression, but took it as a yes nonetheless. There was definitely something to this non-verbal communication thing.

Hearing heavy footfalls behind me I whirled around to see the last guy I would be reading with. And my world stopped spinning.

His eyes got wide, and he tripped over his own feet. Not enough to send him to the ground, but enough to make me believe that this wasn't a dream. No. This was reality. The universe was obviously conspiring against me. I was sure if I tried to call out a greeting that nothing would come out of my mouth. Hell, I was rooted to the spot. It would take an earthquake to get me to move a single inch.

Of course it all made sense. He was here auditioning for a new Broadway musical. Out of millions of auditions and call-backs he would show up at mine. That's how my life worked. I could never quite get what I wanted without it being tainted by some cruel joke God decided to play on me.

In slow motion it seemed, Jacob made his way to me. It could have been hours for all I knew, I was too busy trying to drink in the fact that this was actually happening. So lost in my thoughts was I, that I didn't even figure out how I felt about it. Was I mad that he was here, on my turf, not on my terms, stepping on the only good thing that had happened to me in a year? Was I excited that the past few days I had been thinking about starting again with him, and now I had my chance? Was I too shocked to care that I had put so much effort into hating him for a year and that the hate evaporated as soon as I saw him trip? He was still my Jacob. I missed him. I missed us.

"Bella?" He whispered in a soft voice that I recognized so well. A voice that stirred feelings in me that I forgot even existed. "You look amazing. I…I…don't know what to say. Are you..?"

My mouth opened of its own volition. "I got the lead in this show. What the hell are you doing here?" So I guess my mouth was still angry at Jacob, although my heart longed to tell him that I forgive him. It was so comfortable, being there onstage with him again, after all this time.

"This is my call-back," he admitted sheepishly. "I swear I didn't know I would be reading with you. I would've warned you. I'm so sorry Bells."

"It's fine Jake. Let's just try to get through this." Swiftly, I craned my neck to see if Edward had noticed our exchange. Although, I amended, it probably just looked like two very tense people meeting for the first time. I spotted Edward, deep in conversation with Victoria, with a fierce look in his eyes.

Suddenly I was very concerned. Here we were about to pretend that we loved one another, when we actually did love each other. You know what they say, chemistry onstage, nothing offstage. But when it's hot offstage…. Well maybe he wouldn't get the part. I know I could never handle that. Having to kiss him everyday. To be with him all those long hours. Maybe I could screw up on purpose. Make him look really stupid… Who was I kidding? I wasn't that much of an asshole.

No. I would do my best. And he would do his. Which would be amazing.

I found myself grappling internally, struggling with the events that were occurring. On the one hand, I was over Jacob. He hurt me deeper than I ever thought anyone could. But he was a part of me. The scars that I bore were his, a permanent reminder of our life together. And I was so lonely that it didn't even matter that he never affected me the way I always wanted him too. That our love would never move mountains, or calm angry seas. However, on the other hand, I saw myself with his opposite. With a guy who didn't make obscene jokes, who was chivalrous, intellectual, and attractive on the other end of the spectrum. Of course Edward didn't want someone like me, so why was I bothering with the struggle in the first place? I think it is because some part of me, the optimistic Bella was screaming at the top of her lungs, "You're worth it!!!"

I'm sure my forehead was wrinkled in consternation because that would explain why everyone in the room was looking at me in such a strange way. Mumbling a quick, "Sorry," I walked over to pick up the script I had laid on the ground.

We read through the scene effortlessly. And every time that I looked in Jacob's eyes, Bella ceased to be. It was a special thing that existed between Jacob and I, a connection onstage that was unparalleled. That's why I tried my damnedest to avoid his gaze. I already knew that he would be the best guy for the part. We had chemistry out of the wazoo. When the scene was over Jacob tried to whisper something to me, but I brushed him off and walked to the edge of the stage to hear what Edward and the Bitch from Hell thought about the scene. All I wanted was to get out of there, to get rid of my conflicting emotions, to have an emotional vacation. But no such luck. Bitch from Hell was preparing a speech.

"Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Wow. All we have to say is wow. We really need to see a bit more from you. Especially the kissing scene. It's the integral turning point of the play. Where Adonis finally decided he loves Venus. Bella dear, you don't have any lines here seeing as you're passed out. Go lay down on the floor center stage please."

If ever there was a time to panic it was now. I already felt tears threatening to escape, and I also noticed that I was about to lose my pancakes from earlier. Edward must have seen the look on my face because he was looking back and forth from me to Jacob with a quizzical expression. Then he spoke.

"Jacob, at this point you have been shunning Venus' advances for quite sometime. It never really bothered you that you have hurt her. But then you say a horrible thing to her that actually makes her faint. You are so broken by seeing her lie seemingly dead, that you realize how much you love her, and that you can't live with out her. With that in mind, let's hear the monologue, and when you are ready, try to revive Venus by kissing her to life again."

Slowly, I dragged myself to center stage and lay down on my back. Next thing I knew, Jacob was hovering over me, apologizing with his eyes. My tears were flowing freely, and I wondered what Victoria would make of the fact that I couldn't even play dead without messing it up. But I couldn't do this. Allow him to kiss me like this. Allow myself to be so vulnerable.

Jacob's heartfelt monologue fell on deaf ears. I couldn't understand a word. Because all I could do was lay here helpless while he tried to coax life from me. His hot tears splashed on my skin and I heard the next few lines.

_But do thy worst to steal thyself away,  
For term of life thou art assured mine;  
And life no longer than thy love will stay,  
For it depends upon that love of thine.  
Then need I not to fear the worst of wrongs,  
When in the least of them my life hath end.  
I see a better state to me belongs  
Than that which on thy humour doth depend:  
Thou canst not vex me with inconstant mind,  
Since that my life on thy revolt doth lie.  
O what a happy title do I find,  
Happy to have thy love, happy to die! (sonnet 92)_

_O but Speak fair Venus, speak._

_I command thee, wake and let me see thy beauty_

_For in thine eyes doth it lie._

_Let me kiss thy lips, and may it breathe life into thee once again._

Then the inevitable, he started to lean down to my lips, his eyes closed.

And I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get away. Swiftly I pushed Jacob off me and ran at a sprint into the hallway. As soon as I passed through the doors I regretted my impulsive decision. What must they all think of me now? Leaning against the wall, I let the fear and sadness take over. I told myself I would just freak out for a few minutes, then go do my job. I slid down to the floor in a heap and hugged my knees to my chest, burying my face there. To hide for a moment. Vaguely, I noticed the sound of the door creaking open. Figuring it was Jake coming to apologize I buried my head even deeper into my knees. I felt him kneel in front of where I sat.

"Bella?" He whispered gently, caressing my hair with the lightest of touches.

"Edward?" I questioned, surprised and mortified that it was he that was there and not Jacob.

"Are you alright? What happened?" The concern he felt was emanating from every inch of his being. I quickly looked down again, in order to shield him from my hideous post-crying face. He grabbed my chin and slowly lifted my head to meet the never-ending depth of his eyes.

"Look at me. What is it? You can trust me, you know."

"I'm s-s-sorry." I bawled. "It's just th-that I ca-ca-can't let him kiss me." This wouldn't make any sense to him of course. I knew that. But trying to explain why right now would take way too much time. Wiping the tears from my face with his thumb, Edward pulled me into a comforting embrace.

"I don't know why you're so upset, but I am truly sorry. I never meant for this to hurt you. But it's part of the job description Bella. You're going to have to kiss someone. Can you just pretend like it's someone else? Maybe that will help."

"Like who?" I responded hesitantly. He brushed his hand across my face, removing the hair from my tear-stained eyes.

"I don't know… maybe me."

"You?" I breathed, as he started to lean into me.

"Bella" he whispered so softly I'm not sure if he meant to say it aloud.

I started to lean in as well, closing what little distance was between us, when he pulled away and looked at me with a horrified expression on his face.

"I'm so sorry, that was out of line." Clambering to my feet I reached out for him, to assure him that I wanted to be close to him, to feel his lips on mine. But he grabbed my wrists and shoved me roughly away from him. His eyes looked tortured.

"No. I'm sorry. I just let this situation get out of control. Now would you please go in there and do the job you were hired to do. If it too difficult for you then I am sure we could find someone else to shoulder the burden." The coldness that I heard in his tone frightened me. He struggled to maintain composure as I allowed a few silent tears slide down my face once more.

"Edward I-"

"Go clean yourself up. We expect you back onstage in five minutes." With that, he briskly floated out of the hallway, leaving me dumbfounded in his wake.

I stumbled to the bathroom, utterly hopeless and confused. It was as if nothing could go right for me. I know I didn't imagine what had just transpired. He wanted to kiss me. But something was holding him back. Wiping off the mascara that was everywhere, I looked into the mirror. No. Bella Swan is a conqueror. She can do this. She will do this. Determined to not let Edward, Jacob, Victoria, or anyone for that matter manipulate me anymore I strode back onto the stage with confidence. I felt fire pulsing through my veins. Now, I was not longer upset, I was furious. And I decided to let that fury work for me, instead of against me. Quickly, I lay down again and waited for Jacob to begin again.

When nothing happened I spoke up. "Sorry, I just needed a moment. We can continue now."

After a second, Jake started the monologue again. It wasn't as good as the last time. But this time I paid attention and tried to focus on being Venus and him being Adonis. That was the only way I would make it through this.

The time came. I squeezed my eyes as tightly as possible when I felt his lips on mine, but he kept it chaste. Simply laying his lips atop mine, not moving his at all. I was thankful for his small act of kindness. Giving me such an innocent kiss might cost him the role. He pulled away and I uttered my line.

"_'O, thou didst kill me: kill me once again!'"_

Victoria began to clap wildly. I looked at Edward, who was fuming. His face beet red. Then I turned my attention to Jacob and smiled in spite of myself.

If I could make it through this: the pain of rejection from Edward, TWICE, and the shock of having to kiss my ex-fiancé, and the never-ending verbal abuse from Victoria, I could survive anything.

Victoria announced that we were free to go, and I caught Edward making a beeline for me out of the corner of my eye. He must be crazy if he thought I would give him the time of day after that stunt he just pulled. I quickly grabbed my stuff and started to make my way to the door.

"Bella, wait!" He called after me. I ignored him, but addressed Jake who was standing a few feet away.

"Jacob, let's meet at the Olive Garden in Time's Square for dinner. We really do need to catch up. I'll see you there at eight." I waved goodbye as I heard two voices call out to me. But I did not respond to either. I was going to clean up for my dinner-date with Jacob.

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A few hours later I walked into the restaurant wearing the skimpiest LBD I could find in my closet, which turned out to be not so skimpy, but o well. It made me feel good nonetheless. I asked the hostess if Jacob Black had arrived yet, and she nodded, leading me to the table. Turning the corner I spotted him. But he wasn't alone. He was already seated with a woman. I couldn't see her face until it was too late to run. She had already seen me. There they sat in all their glory. Jacob…..and Leah.


	8. The Unexpected

There was a time when life was easy. When all I had to worry about is where I would eat my next meal with my friends, what present to buy my boyfriend for Christmas, or how I was going to cram a week's worth of studying into a single night. When did life get so complicated? And when did everything start to fall apart?

Just when I was becoming optimistic.

Just when things were beginning to make sense.

Just when I was going to allow myself to be open, vulnerable.

Reality hits. Like a ton of bricks, slapping you in the face, mocking you for not seeing it coming. Not sensing the disaster. The impending doom. _What a drama queen!_

Seeing Jacob and Leah together was hardly impending doom. But it was just more than I could handle after the hellish day I had. Although, life was certainly a balance.

I really had little to complain about. So what that my boss, who is off-limits anyways, who I think I might have fallen in love with at first sight, couldn't care less about me? So what that my ex now had himself a wonderful life and fiancé?

Shouldn't I be thankful for the advancement of my career this week? Shouldn't I be excited for my best friend who found someone she loves to be with? Shouldn't I be relieved that Jacob was happy? Shouldn't I be satisfied?

I refused to believe that all the emotional turmoil I was experiencing had anything to do with Edward Cullen. After all, what was he to me? He was a man that I allowed myself to fall for, and fast. But really, in all reality, he was a flash in the pan. A drop in the bucket. When this show is over I can move on, have another irrational love affair inside my mind.

I refused to believe that my hysterical crying was because of Edward Cullen.

It made more sense that I would be crying because of Jacob. Because now, it is really over.

As soon as I sat down at the table tonight, I could tell that it would be a long evening. To think that I had come here in hopes of getting Jacob back! Leah immediately excused herself to the restroom, and left an uncomfortable Jacob and myself staring at one another. Trying to be the bigger person, I began the conversation that I knew was inevitable.

"So… you and Leah huh? That's great." Knowing that he would see through it didn't stop my attempt at a smile.

"You don't have to pretend with me Bells. I should've told you. I shouldn't have let her come." He leaned across the table and took my hands in his. I let a few tears fall in spite of the screaming protests in my head.

"It's fine Jake," I sniffled. "Are you happy?"

"Yes and no."

"Care to explain?" I tried to laugh, but it hurt too much.

"Leah makes me happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be. But it's not complete. Bella I've been worried sick about you. Just because I don't care about you…that way…anymore, doesn't mean that I don't care about you at all. When you left, it was so sudden, and you were so angry at me. It's weighed on my conscience for a year now. I have to know, are you alright?" He stared at me, and I could see his heart. I could see how this all made perfect sense to him. He never called me to try to get me back; he only called to ease his guilt, to check up on me, as a friend.

"I guess." I answered as honestly as I could. I didn't want to hurt him further. I'd already done enough damage.

"Bells, I did try to tell you about Leah. Several times in fact. I guess I was just too much of a coward to actually go through with it. When I talked to you, you seemed so down. I didn't want to make it worse."

"So you brought her with you? Did you think it would be easier for me if I just saw you two together? If I were to see in person how happy you are now that I'm not in your life!" My voice was raised a little, and I could sense that people were staring. I tried to silence my sobs, unsuccessfully.

"No. That wasn't it at all. But she insisted she come along. See, we have some trust issues. The fact that I worry so much over you, and call you so much, well… it doesn't sit well with her. She was never your biggest fan.." He seemed ashamed.

"So when did…" I tried to ask, but I couldn't force the words out of my mouth.

"We started dating right after you left. And I asked her to marry me last month." Jacob squeezed my hands as he told me the news.

I took a deep breath, but choked on it. "You're… you're…en- en- engaged." I finally spit out.

"I'm so sorry this has hurt you." Jacob said, as a few tears slid down his cheeks.

"I need to go." I announced, getting up from the table and taking off towards the door.

Jacob called, right behind me, "Bella, don't do this!"

For once in my life I was faster than Jake. I hailed a cab and immediately got inside, instructing the cabbie to lock the doors. Just as I'd predicted, when he reached the cab he tried to open the door.

"GO!" I shouted at the poor taxi driver, while the tears were unrelenting.

Luckily Alice was out with Jasper when I got home. Stumbling blindly to my bed, I pulled off the dress and threw it across the room along with my phone. I heard it crash against the wall, but I didn't care. There wasn't anyone I wished to speak to now.

I tugged on an old t-shirt of Jacob's and curled up in the fetal position in the middle of my mattress, holding back a fresh torrent of tears. Would they ever stop?

Conceivably, I shouldn't be this down, this depressed. But I was. And it only made it worse that above everything else, I craved one set of arms that I knew could comfort me like no other.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Thrashing wildly, I jerked out of bed, and was accosted with the smell of thick smoke. It was hazy and I couldn't see across the room. At first I thought was that I was surely still dreaming. The dream had been so real, so vivid. I wandered through a misty fog, unsure of my direction, until I knew that I couldn't find my way back home if I tried. Rubbing my eyes to make sure that I was awake, I started to panic. This was no dream. I could smell the smoke; it assaulted my senses and filled my nostrils until I was gasping for clean air. I could find none. I could taste it in my mouth, and it choked me. My watery eyes burned as involuntary tears slid down my face. I threw the covers off me because the heat was too much to bear. I was suffocating with heat. It felt like all my actions were slower, in slow motion due to the thickness of the clouds of smoke. I recognized the faint beeping I heard as our ancient smoke detector. Damn thing. Then I heard other sounds. Groans and creaks coming from the building. These sounds were not at all reassuring. I coughed and spluttered my mind racing. Could my apartment really be on fire? Not knowing what else to do, I fell to the ground and crawled to my door. Watching cop shows finally paid off I guess. They always say in case of a fire you should crouch down low. The air was a little more breathable closer to the ground, but not by much. I knew that I had to get out of here soon or I would pass out.

Funnily enough, a faint memory tugged at my brain as I crawled towards the door. I remembered being in fifth grade, and the firemen came to my elementary school. My "not-so-friendly" friend Lauren Mallory volunteered me for the demonstration. There was a trailer outside that they filled with "Hollywood smoke" and you had to find your way out. When the smoke came, I ran to the door, but tripped. All the kids could see in the large windows and they were all laughing it up. I was so mortified that instead of finding my way out, I locked myself in a closet. Choking to death seemed a better option than facing the ruthless taunting of fifth graders.

I don't know why I remembered that. The whole memory lasted only a few seconds, but it was long enough for me to realize that hiding in a closet this time would have much more damaging results.

When I laid my hand on the door, to feel if it was hot, I heard the screaming.

"BELLA! BELLA!!! What the hell?! Where are you?" Alice's frantic voice sailed through the air.

"I'm in my room!!!" I screamed back. "We have to get out of here!" The door wasn't hot, so I opened it, only to find Alice stuffing all her suitcases with as much of her belongings as she could. Her eyes were half-crazed as she ran through the apartment cursing at the top of her lungs.

"Alice! Leave your shit! There's no time. We have to go!" I ran to her and forced her to meet my gaze.

"There HAS to be time!" She yelled back, throwing a bag at me. The girl had gone nuts. She was currently stuffing all her Louis Vuitton purses into her laundry hamper.

"Oh my God I can't believe this," I muttered as she threw me a few pairs of designer stilettos. "Is this stuff worth our _lives_ Alice?"

"Much more than our lives… Okay. That's all I can't live without. It's really smoky." She noted, coughing a bit.

"Obviously!" I called to her.

In spite of myself, I grabbed the bag, and Alice, and darted out into the hallway. Finding the stairs through the smoke was no small feat, but I managed it. On the way down, we ran into a fireman who told us to go wait out on the street.

Reaching the lobby, we ran out into the bitingly frigid night air and looked up at our apartment building. It was ablaze on the top two floors. If it had not been my home going up in flames, I might have thought the sight to be a beautiful one. The colors, made even brighter by the absence of the moon that night, danced across the skyline making unrecognizable shapes. Or like a spectacular volcanic eruption. The beauty is unparalleled, but the destruction is overwhelming.

But to me, it looked like a bomb exploded. Right on top of all the things that I valued. I whipped around frantically, searching for faces that I recognized. Ms. McClaskil was safe, sitting in the back of an ambulance stroking a cat that was as archaic as she was. I also noticed Hottie McHotHot, as we so cleverly named the Irish guy who lived across the hall. Never had the courage to ask his real name.

For a few minutes we were assaulted by a team of child-like paramedics, probing us with instruments, and forcing us to cough to hear if there was smoke inhalation. Alice seemed thankful for their presence. I was annoyed as hell. Who cares about lung damage when I'm watching my life burn down right before my eyes. Thankfully, we passed inspection, so we stood on the curb, horrified by the sight in front of us.

It was then that I realized, while Alice got to save everything that was important to her from the flames, I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why was I such an idiot?

Of course it was possible that the fire could be extinguished before it reached our floor, the optimistic side of me thought. The pessimistic side didn't need to utter what she was thinking. From the chatter on the street I gleaned that the source of the fire was from someone grilling steaks on the roof. It was the annual rooftop Christmas party that I avoided like the plague. Who wants to get drunk with strangers, hundreds of feet up in the air? Obviously these people didn't realize that alcohol and fire don't mix. Assholes. Although, I prayed that all the assholes were safe. I would feel like an idiot if people actually got hurt tonight.

It was freezing, and I very well couldn't go up to my room to retrieve my coat. The cold started attacking my toes first, then it slowly crept up, inch by inch, till my teeth were chattering. Huddling up to Alice, I tried to think about happier times. Forcing my disturbing thoughts to rest in the back of my brain so that I could pull them out later for closer inspection. I remembered the first time I saw Edward, how my world stood still. IT was easy to focus on that. I thought of our breakfast together, and how I unlocked some of his secrets, but ended up with a million more questions in the process. I pictured Edward's face as we sang to each other and held on to the memory with such fierceness that I didn't even realize how much time had passed. We had been standing on the street for nearly an hour when Jasper showed up. I didn't even hear Alice call him. She shook my shoulders to release me from my zoning.

"Bells. Come on, Jasper's got us a cab." She grabbed my hand and towed me along.

Just then, the careful walls I had drawn up around the last bit of my sanity came crashing down.

"But..bu..but…our things…our clothes… I don't…we…you…I…" Well that certainly made a lot of sense. I must've inhaled more than I thought as I slept.

"Bella honey," Jasper's voice soothed, "you and Alice are going to come to my place for a few weeks, until it's alright to move you back into your apartment."

"Weeks! Try months. We might have to look for a new place." Alice was pissed, but I couldn't force myself to ask her any questions. I was in shock.

Our. Apartment. Burnt. Down.

I was homeless.

I was clothes-less.

I was going to the apartment of my best friend's new boyfriend.

I was going to hear them have sex for weeks. Maybe months.

I was slowly going insane.

What could I have done for the gods of fate to punish me like this?! I was freaking Bella Swan! I didn't hurt a fly. I went about life, minding my own business, blending into the walls, making myself an island, never bothering anyone! Why!!!

These thoughts didn't even register on my face. I kept it blank. Best not to have a breakdown in the cab. Alice didn't know about Jacob yet. Not that it really mattered. Somehow, nothing like that mattered right now. This was a monstrosity. Who cares if I had man troubles? When your future suddenly cuts off, goes blank, you start putting things into perspective. I formulated a list of things I needed to do right away.

Number one: I had to call everyone I knew and beg for a place on their couch. Emmett's certainly wasn't ideal. He and Rose would be going at it like bunnies. That was exactly what I was trying to avoid by not staying with Jasper. Angela and Mike were not a good choice for that reason as well. And, not to mention, Ben was down on his luck and was currently sleeping on their couch. Rose was an option, but we haven't known each other that long. Ugh. Number one was not working out so well. Let's move on. I'll come back to it.

Number two: I had to replace all the necessitates that I would need for life. A cell phone was crucial. I'll need to find some sort of wardrobe. As well as toiletries. I really need to procure a keyboard. God. This was really adding up.

Number three: Budget. In my checking account there was 300 dollars. Alice will not be happy when I wear the latest Goodwill fashions, but what can I do? In my savings account there was 2,000 dollars. I won't last long.

Number four: Panic.

My hyperventilation began. I gasped and gasped for breaths that I knew wouldn't come. It seemed like I had gone deaf. I knew Jasper and Alice were trying to calm me down, and the nervous cabbie was asking them if I needed a hospital, but I couldn't hear any of it. Alice, of course, was used to my panic attacks. Ever since things with Jake went south, I had anxiety attacks pretty severely. It never ceased to amaze me that I never had them during auditions. Did I come dangerously close? You bet. But I had kept them at bay for a good six months. All the occurrences in my life lately just brought a lot of suppressed emotions to the surface.

Finally Alice slapped me across the face.

That got my attention. Suddenly I could hear everything, and my brain could recognize the oxygen that I pulled deeply into my lungs. I buried my face in my hands and struggled to get a grip. Alice put her arms around me, not saying a word, just holding me.

When I felt the cab come to a stop, I looked up. Jasper was looking at Alice with a worried expression, and Alice's face looked like she was going to be sick. I decided to try to lighten the mood a bit.

"Guys, I'm fine. A little dramatic, but otherwise fine."

"A little?" Alice questioned, raising her eyebrows at me.

"I'm a theatre person." I countered, which caused a small smirk to appear on her face. She knew the panic mood had passed. Thank God for that. I was just sorry that people witnessed it this time. Usually I went to pieces all by myself, hidden in the little haven that was my room. _My room_. I let out a big sigh, half-grinned at Jasper, and got out of the cab.

He led the way, silently, up to his apartment, while holding all of Alice's belongings. The elevator ride was silent as well. I idly wondered if they thought that speaking would somehow bring back my raging hysterics. We stepped off on the fifteenth floor. For the first time I took in my surroundings. Obviously Jasper was well off. Why wouldn't he be though? He was a brilliant writer. The apartment doors were pretty far apart, which led me to believe that he had a lot of space to spare. Maybe this would be okay.

I watched as he fished for his keys and opened the door. When I walked inside my breath left my lungs again. But this time, I was in awe.

This was the most beautiful apartment I had ever seen. I stood frozen in the doorway, just taking in its beauty. Alice, however, waltzed right in and headed straight to one of the bedrooms. It was apparent that in the few days she had known Jasper, she was already no stranger to his home.

"Bella," Jasper said timidly, "can I show you to the guest room?"

I nodded and followed him down the hallway. We passed through his living room, which was obviously decorated by a man. There were no feminine touches, but it still seemed homey. I snuck a glance into the bedroom that Alice was in as we passed it. Yep. She was already in his room. This was bound to be an excruciating few months.

We reached the room and he entered first, flipping on the lights. It was pretty bare. There was a queen sized bed in the middle of the room, topped with a simple white down comforter. There was a large bookshelf on the other side of the room filled with what appeared to be sheet music and a few novels.

"I know it's not your place, but I invite you to make yourself at home here Bella. I'm so sorry that this all happened." Jasper was so sincere when he spoke, and I started to feel a sense of peace as I heard him speak.

"This is great. I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you. I promise I'll look for a new place soon." I looked at my feet as I spoke to him, embarrassed to have to depend on someone.

"This is no inconvenience at all. Take all the time you need. I don't mind. Really."

He smiled at me, and walked out, turning off the lights and shutting the door behind him. As I stood there, the utter exhaustion I felt beckoned me to the bed. I snuggled up under the covers and willed my brain to turn off. Usually, when I didn't want to think, I would listen to some music as I tried to drift off. I felt a pang of annoyance that I had no music to listen to anymore. Burying my face in the pillow I let out a small squeal of frustration. Then, I felt my eyelids droop mercifully, taking me out of my nightmare for a few hours.

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The next couple of days were horrendous. Well, that's a bit of an overstatement. Not horrendous. On the bright side, Alice had grabbed a few of my prized possessions along with her own. My cell phone, my ipod, a few of my favorite books, and my favorite sweater (only because she had been sleeping in it that night).On the down side, I refused to tell Alice about my dinner with Jake. I didn't really want to relive it yet. And my punishment was non-stop shopping. She was determined to replace my entire wardrobe before rehearsals started.

Ah, rehearsals. I vomited for a few hours once Edward called me and excitedly announced that Jacob Black would be playing Adonis. I was not at all surprised. I already knew he would get the part. But hearing it from Edward made it real. Remembering back to that phone conversation still made me feel a bit ill.

I lunged for the phone as I heard the ring-tone I had surreptitiously set to signal Edward's calls, U2's _With or Without You_.

"Hello," I said breathlessly. Always breathless around him. I suppose I should get used to it.

"Bella." He sighed my name. Or at least I perceived a sigh. Perhaps to him that sounded like an expletive.

"Mr. Cullen, how are you?" Wow. How are you? In my defense, we hadn't spoken in two days since the second "almost kiss" incident. I was desperate to hear his voice.

He laughed. It warmed my soul. "I'm good. But when the show people aren't around, it's fine for you to call me Edward." He paused, thinking about what he would say next. "I am so sorry about what happened at call-backs. I never want to seem unprofessional in front of my-"

"Edward," it thrilled me to say his name again, "there's absolutely no need to apologize. I should've known that I should call you by a professional name. I mean, you are my boss."

"I was under the impression that I was more than your boss." I could hear the smile in his tone.

Much, MUCH more. "Wh…what…do you mean?" Stammering Bella emerges. What was it? A whole thirty seconds before she appeared this time? That was significant improvement.

"Well I just thought that we were friends." The smile was gone now.

Friends? FRIENDS!!! I wanted to scream, but I took a second. _Deep breaths Bella_. I thought about my answer long and hard. It would be crazy to point out that we _had_ been getting along swimmingly until he started to go bi-polar on me. Wouldn't it? I took too long to answer.

"Look, I know that I was acting very strange that day. And while it would be better, for both of us, if we weren't friends, I can't seem to stop thinking about you."

Did he just say that?

"What do you mean?" I asked, dumbly, again. "That it would be better if we weren't friends?" I felt the need to clarify, and not to dwell on the last part of his statement.

"I just… I can't explain it. It's…personal. But like I said, I can't get you off my mind. I know that I hurt your feelings, and for that allow me to apologize profusely." His voice was strained. It was almost as if… It hurt to even think it, knowing I was wrong. But it was almost as if he regretted hurting me. As if there was no feeling worse than that, knowing he made me cry. Yeah right.

"Ok. Go ahead. Make sure it's profusely though. I won't accept any less." I smiled as I said it, remembering our easy banter that day.

"I am truly, sincerely, sorry to have caused you any pain that day. I know that something else was bothering you, and I made it worse. Hopefully you can forgive me."

"And then we can be friends again? After you're forgiven." I was hedging. Trying to feel him out. Could we really be friends? Would he go psycho on me again?

"What is _your_ definition of friends?" Hearing the pain that was so evident in his voice, I decided to make this easy on him.

"Well, I suppose friends, apart from work situations, call each other by their first names. Also friends, outside of work, have breakfast at little diners. Sometimes they even have lunch or dinner together. Mainly, friends hang out. And are there for each other." I grinned at the kindergarten way I was speaking to him, hoping that I could make that pain go away.

"Thanks for understanding my work situation. As you can probably guess, I have a bit of a reputation for using the women that I work with. It's something that I'm not exactly proud of, and I am working to try to rise above it." So, he was being really open with me today. Interesting.

"I've never heard of such a reputation. But I have my own to uphold as well. I certainly can't risk the boring, 'Bella-doesn't-go-out-or date-or have-fun-anymore' reputation in exchange for being seen as a notch in your belt Edward." He laughed earnestly, and I was gratified that I no longer was reduced to a bumbling idiot when I spoke to him. I could now say semi-witty comments. Bravo to me.

"Well we can't have that kind of reputation being tarnished, now can we?" I imagined his sexy smirk as he said this. And felt myself getting a little hot. Someone needs to turn the heat down. I fanned myself with my hand as he continued, thanking God in heaven that Alice and Jasper were out.

"Bella, I'll make you a deal. At rehearsals," he dropped his voice to a lower volume as he continued, "or when Victoria is around, let's keep it strictly professional. I'll call you Ms. Swan, you call me Mr. Cullen, and we'll act like stuffy, pretentious actors. But when we have out friendly outings, we can be Edward and Bella: music crazed, theatre obsessed, dorks who sing songs to one another."

I was silent. As much as it thrilled me to hear him talk about "friendly outings" (guessing that meant that we would be spending time together in the future), it seemed like he was ashamed of his relationship with me. My silence scared him into speech.

"I'm sorry. That's all I can offer you. And if you really knew me, you'd understand how much I was actually offering. I don't really make friends."

"Sure you do." I offered. Come on. A guy like him. He must be swarmed with people who want to get to know him.

"No." He sounded colder now. "No-one in this town really is that deserving of my time. They're all the same. No-one really catches my interest."

"And you're saying I should be flattered that I catch your interest?" Sure. I called him on it. Arrogant bastard. Of course it didn't help that he was the most amazing arrogant bastard I'd ever met.

"No. God, you make me sound like such a dick."

"Well you are sometimes." What. The. Hell. Word vomit. Again. I braced myself for a dial tone, but I heard husky laughter instead.

"Wow, you're honest. Thanks."

"Sorry. You've experienced my word vomit before. I'm guessing that's why you didn't hang up on me just now."

Still chuckling, he answered. "I'd never hang up on you Bella. But eventually, after the name calling has come to an end, we will have to discuss the true reason for my call."

Of course. He was calling on business issues, and here I was, asking him to be my friend (how pathetic, _asking_ for friends), and insulting him. Was this the worst I had embarrassed myself with him on the phone? Could I ever be normal around him? Scratch that. Being normal around him would necessitate me being normal _ever_, and that was never going to happen. I sucked in a deep breath as I ventured to hear the "true" reason for his call.

"Sorry, what is it Edward." Sigh. Saying his name. Mmmmm.

"Well we've officially casted the show. You are of course Venus, and Jacob Black will be playing Adonis. So an official congratulations is in order."

I swallowed hard; willing the lump in my throat to disappear; willing my voice not to sound maniacal when I thanked him.

"Thanks Edward." That sounded strange, even to my own ears. Maybe he wouldn't detect the searing agony there.

"You're welcome?" It came out like a question. A question that he certainly wanted answers to.

"I…I…I have to go." Trying to hold on to the sane part of my brain was becoming more and more difficult as each second passed.

"Bella, are you alright?"

Speech failed.

He tried again. "Are you feeling ill?"

"Yes." I whispered. It was true.

"Well then don't let me keep you. Call or text me if you feel like having a friendly outing before next week." Rehearsals were due to start January 5th.

"I will." I choked, and hung up immediately.

After being sick for a few hours, sleeping for the next two days, and trying with all my might to gather up courage from nowhere, I decided that it was the day before Christmas Eve, and Bella had wallowed in self-pity long enough.

I hadn't even gone Christmas shopping, and made the mistake of telling Alice, who dragged me to Bloomingdale's not once, not twice, but three times before Christmas day. Of course I couldn't afford to buy for anyone but Alice and Emmett. And she bought me enough clothes to last months without our apartment. (I'm guessing she still felt a tad bit guilty about her selfish saving of her designer duds. Or maybe not. Maybe it was all part of her plan to erase all casual clothes from my life.) Emmett had gone all out. He bought me knee pads. You know, because they would keep my knees from getting banged up when I fall down. He even bought them in blue, my favorite color, because they would look fashionable with every outfit. Ha. Ha. My brother. The jokester. I wanted to rip up the tickets to the Mets that I had bought him, but then I remembered what I paid for them, and settled on allowing Rose to elbow him in the ribs.

Christmas was a quiet affair. I cooked for the gang, which had branched out to include Jasper. He never left Alice's side, so of course the rest of the gang didn't really have a choice in the matter. Emmett and Jasper became fast friends, always battling on the wii at Jasper's place. Rose started spending a lot more time with us as well. I couldn't believe that Emmett had held onto her for so long, but I didn't question it. She was awesome. Her very presence made me feel empowered, and I felt a need to emulate her.

Angela and Mike and Ben were at Christmas as well. In the aftermath of the fire, I had completely forgotten about my quest to subtly hint about Angela's engagement ring, as well as my "meeting" with Mike. Of course he brought it up several times during dinner, in between making fun of me and the food I prepared. I liked Mike, but if I wanted to be honest about it, I wasn't sure that it was Mike that I liked so much or just Angela. I think that if Angela were not in the picture I would not be so inclined to be his friend.

It was now the day after Christmas and I was bummed. I hadn't heard from Edward in five days. Not that I expected to. But he always found ways to surprise me lately. Also, December 26th was closer to January 5th than December 25th. I dreaded that day like a final exam that I didn't bother to study for. Like a conversation with your dad after he walked in on you making out with your boyfriend. That day I would confront Jacob, Edward, and Bitch from Hell Victoria all in one fell swoop. Grimacing, I realized that I hadn't given _Vicky_( I always sneered her name in my head) too much thought since callbacks. But just thinking about her for one second made me furious. And sad. I knew that she had some kind of relationship with Edward, and while it made absolutely no sense for me to be jealous, I was. Shaking with envy. And disgust. How could my Edward, my witty, inhumanly gorgeous, kind-hearted Edward be with someone like that? Maybe I was reading too much into it. Overanalyzing. I have been known to do that. Once I diagramed a text from a guy in high school for three hours. I read it over and over again. Then aloud. Then in a British accent to see if it sounded sexier. So I could be wrong about _Vicky_. I hoped I was.

Also there was still the issue of living arrangements. While Alice was comfy at Jazz's place, too comfy, I was kept awake at night to a soundtrack of furious passion in the room next to mine. The lack of sleep was bound to catch up with me soon. Hoping to pacify Alice, I had a plan that involved telling her a lie. I hated to do it, but I simply couldn't stand it any longer. It wasn't the awkwardness or the sex that bothered me so much. (Ok so it bothered me, but not enough to have me sleep in a box under the Brooklyn Bridge.) But it was the feeling that I was intruding. Not only on Jasper's home and life, but in the budding relationship that was forming. Alice and Jasper were so happy and giddy all the time. Don't get me wrong. I was thrilled for my friend. Ecstatic even. But seeing it all the time only reminded me constantly that I was alone. It was painful on the best of days. So I would lie to Alice; tell her that I was staying with a friend I had met while doing an extremely ghetto performance of _Annie Get Your Gun_ in an abandoned shop on Avenue A. Ellen and I really didn't get along, but I could pretend to get Alice off my case. And then I would horde myself up in a hotel for as long as I could afford it.

Our apartment wouldn't be ready until the beginning of March (so they say), but I had a sneaking suspicion that I would be moving back in alone. Things were progressing at a lightening pace with those two. But I wasn't really alarmed. They truly seemed to be meant for one another. It only made me feel that much more alone.

It was with a practiced monologue that I approached the pair, who were snuggled up on the couch watching the second season of Grey's Anatomy. I had to hand it to Jasper, he really knew the way to a woman's heart.

"Hey guys," I started, "Sorry to interrupt, but could we talk for a minute?" I was a really bad liar. That's why I memorized my speech. Acting was different than lying, despite what people say.

"Sure, what's up Bells?" Alice smiled at me, and it made me miss her. Of course that was absurd, since she was sitting right in front of me, but I had a feeling that soon we wouldn't see one another very often. She paused the DVD as I steeled myself toward my announcement.

"First things first; Jasper, thank you so much for taking me in when I had no where else to go. I don't know what I would have done without you." Ok, who writes this stuff? It's utterly dramatic. Oh. Right. I do. Shit. They're going to see right through this. "But I've come to realize that it is a little crowded here, and that you guys definitely need more alone time than I'm able to give you. So I called my friend Ellen. You remember Ellen, don't you Ali? She played Annie in Annie Get your Gun back in September." Alice just nodded. Doubt was written all over her face. I swallowed loudly and plowed on. "She just happens to have a room free in her apartment for couple of months. You see, her roommate is gone on a mission trip to Africa until March. So she could use help with rent, and I told her I was homeless. And there you have it." Alice scowled at me. I knew I should have left out the part about Africa. It seemed slightly blasphemous when I was writing it out, but then again, I always thought details were important when you were lying….er… I mean acting. "So I'll be moving out tomorrow. Not that I have much besides clothes to move out." I chucked my contrived chuckle at the joke that I had purposefully ended with, and searched their eyes to see if they bought it.

Alice's eyes narrowed. "So where is Ellen's place?"

"It's off 42nd. Not too far from the theatre. In fact, I think I could walk to work. That'll be nice."

"And you just called her? Out of the blue?"

"Yeah…well we keep in touch, you know. We're pals."

"I thought you hated her because of that day with you wardrobe malfunction."

Alice was referring to the day that Ellen, who had been in charge of helping me with one of my quick changes, had purposefully not zipped up the back of my skirt and not mentioned it to me. And I proceeded to go out on stage, only to have it fall off during the scene, exposing me to the audience. I controlled the expression on my face and pushed the memory out of my head.

"Oh, no. I knew that was just an accident." No it wasn't. That sneaky bitch.

"Well," Alice looked at Jasper who smiled amiably at me. I think it was a smile of relief. Something tells me that quiet Jasper was not at all comfortable making love to Alice with me in the next room. "If you want to go, then go."

Oh no. I've angered it. Backpedaling emergency. Of course this part was not scripted.

"Oh Ali, you know I love living with you. You're my best friend. But I really think that you guys will be much happier with me out of you hair for a while. Besides, Jasper not letting me pay rent has got me feeling all guilty all the time. And it really is closer to work."

"So maybe I should move in too. If there's room." She challenged. Before I really had time to panic, Jasper was.

"No!" He cleared his throat after his outburst. "I mean, I've just enjoyed being with you so much baby. I don't want you to go yet." Again I felt like I was intruding.

Alice got all glassy eyed as she ran her fingers through his hair. "Aw, when you put it that way…" insert passionate kiss here "what's a couple of more blocks?"

So I packed up my meager belongings and headed to the hotel that I researched. It was not, in fact, close to work. It was, in fact, thirty-seven blocks away. But I found a place where the rooms were only 55 bucks night. A wonderfully classy Super 8. I was a little worried when I found out that it was so close to Queens, but nothing could have prepared me for this. Walking into the dingy room that smelled like cigarettes, beer, and sex, I suddenly heard a roar from outside. I peered through the curtains only to see what could only be a hooker and her pimp engaged in a full on fist fight with a gangster in the street. Then I ran and locked the door with every lock available. I scrutinized the room. The sheets had stains, the TV was broken, the water was brown from the faucet, and there was a large cockroach in the shower. Why was I such a martyr?

My phone ringing scared me half to death, until I realized that Bono was singing. I grabbed it from my pocket frantically.

"Hello?" Why did I say it like a question? I knew who it was.

"Hey Bella." His velvety voice caused me to sink down on the germ infested bed and sigh. "I was wondering what you thought about ice-skating as a friendly outing?"

And in the midst of my trials, I laughed.


	9. The Revelation

**A/N: Okay. So It's been 12 years. I could tell you about how crazy the life of a musical theatre major is, but I'm not here to make excuses. THANK YOU to the ladies over at twilighted who are all praying for me and making me laugh on a daily basis. THANK YOU also to all the ladies who have alerted and added me on fanfiction! I would love to hear what all of you are thinking. Especially in regards to the following chapter… It gave me some trouble! Crazy Revelations! Hang on for the whole ride. Edward WILL be making an appearance in this chapter, and we won't see him go away for quite some time now…Where we left off, if you don't recall 12 years ago, our Bella moved out of the lover's nest and is staying in a nasty motel, all the while lying to everyone about it. She has an upcoming outing with our ever confusing Edward….and now. Enjoy. Also…DO NOT OWN!**

That first night in the motel is a memory that I think, someday, I will look back on with laughter. How stupid I was! Emmett will tell the story at over Christmas dinner, inciting guffaws from all my family. I can even see this story going down in my book. The novel that I've always dreamed of writing, wittily titled "What was I thinking?- the memoirs of Bella Swan."

I had to sing myself to sleep that night.

When I ran over the lists of reasons why I was doing this, not one reason helped deny the sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. It was bad enough that I was lying to my brother and my best friend. But to be stuck in this hell hole and not exactly remember why, was bothering the hell out of me. Yes, I did not want to hear the happy couples. But that couldn't be the only reason. I think my heart was just too eager to get away from all that happiness. And I truly felt like I was imposing. It was hard for me to accept handouts from anyone, even if it was my family.

_I am doing the right thing. Everyone will be happier this way. Well, everyone except for me._

After swearing I heard gunshots about twelve times which I'm sure were just decrepit cars backfiring, but who knows, I tried reading the Gideon Bible that I found in the drawer. Good to know that was there for the future. However the passages I was reading in Leviticus weren't helping to settle my mood. Who even knew that such strange things could be found in the Bible, of all places?! It unsettled me.

I tried writing. It seemed lady muse got scared as well. All that came out was this beautiful little ditty:

_When I feel you, the world somehow seems new_

_Knowing you're near me, how could I be blue?_

What in the hell. And that, incredibly idiotic poem was all I managed to come up with before a noise outside had me screaming again. The screaming induced unstoppable tears. To think I managed to even come up with a rhyme, in the state I was in, was baffling.

I tried reciting all the Shakespeare I knew. My favorite sonnet was spoken aloud, through my ridiculous tears, a grand total of twenty-one times.

_Let me not to the marriage of true minds _

_Admit impediments. Love is not love_

_Which alters when it alteration finds,_

_Or bends with the remover to remove:_

_O no! it is an ever-fixed mark_

_That looks on tempests and is never shaken;_

_It is the star to every wandering bark,_

_Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken._

_Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks_

_Within his bending sickle's compass come:_

_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,_

_But bears it out even to the edge of doom_.

_If this be error and upon me proved,_

_I never writ, nor no man ever loved._

After the twenty-first time I sighed. I was calmer. My mind kept running over the words. _Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds._ Focusing on what love was, that complex and confusing emotion, state of being, helped me forget where I was for awhile.

Love was truly a concept. And if these things that were written in this sonnet long ago are true, which Shakespeare insists they are in his closing, then I truly had not seen real love. But instead of depressing me, that thought comforted me. If the only thing that I ever considered "love" was what I had with Jacob, I was afraid. Was that what it was supposed to feel like? I expected so much more. But according to Shakespeare, love doesn't alter or change. It's a constant. Something tangible, reliable; something you can grasp on to; cling to when all hope is gone. Years and years pass, but instead of the depth fading away, slowly receding into emptiness, it grows deeper. Rooting itself into all the facets of your being. And the eternal optimist in me knew that this was the truth. Somewhere in this mixed up reality we call life, this thing, love, had to exist. Philosophers, teachers, prophets, average Joes, and countless others mused this topic of love since the beginning of time. And although the sentiments vary, there is one common thread that binds them all. It exists. And I would find it.

And it hit me. _That_ is why I said no to Jacob. _That_ is the reason, which I couldn't explain to myself then but now I knew, that I could never utter those three words to him. _That_ is the reason I never believed it when he said them to me. I was still searching for it. What we had was never real. We were friends, and we tried to bend what was there to accommodate our loneliness.

Now I realized there was more to love than I ever believed. In my delusional fantasies of love I got a few things right. Maybe it wasn't butterflies and sunshine all the time, maybe it was hard and painful, but it was something unavoidable. Like a meteor crashing down to earth at the speed of light. There was no slowing it down or changing its course. _That's_ how love will be. I had a nagging feeling that my perception was now forever altered, and centered on one man.

I pushed those thoughts out of my head as fast as they entered. I could NOT be "in love" with Edward Cullen. I didn't even know the man. But what did I feel?

The part of me that was still in high school did a cheer and a back-flip as my mind wandered away from deeper, more intellectual murmurings, and morphed into excited thoughts about Edward.

Sure it was childish to be ecstatic about our friendly outing, especially since it could be so detrimental to my health, but I couldn't even contain giggles just thinking about it. We would go next week. The day before rehearsals started. He also arranged to get me my script that day. But I knew now just to enjoy my time with Edward. To not push for anything more than he was willing to give me. Any time with him was enough.

I was actually nervous as hell about how he would be as a director. His hot and cold attitude to me during callbacks was so utterly confusing. Although I knew that he offered me an explanation, however weak it was, it didn't seem to jive with the Edward that I got to know earlier that day. I couldn't help but fixate on the fact that I thought he was troubled. Every once and a while I would see a spasm of pain shoot across his lovely features, and it resided in my chest. I wanted to take it all away, to hear him laugh as much as possible. Maybe that was his goal as well. He _had_ suggested the ice skating.

Convincing myself to forget his bi-polar moments was much easier than I would have ever expected. Knowing that somewhere inside he was in pain made me want to help. I knew that he wasn't comfortable sharing anyone, let alone me, but he already confessed that he said too much around me. The more time we spent together the more he could trust me. And I, in turn, could trust him. Trust was the foundation to any lasting friendship. And I so wanted this to last.

Really, in all honesty, I realized that I had been lying to myself constantly since I met him. I spent all day thinking of him, but all night berating myself, explaining that there is no way what I felt for him was deep, lasting. The echoes from my epiphany from weeks ago seemed loud and clear now. Even after my initial anger at him for his ridiculous antics, I knew that I what I felt for him was new. Something I had never felt before, only dreamed of feeling. And a small part of me admitted to needing him.

I couldn't shake the feeling that he needed me as well. That he craved someone to accept, care for, listen to, and ultimately love him. Even if he _was_ isolated by choice. Even if he had convinced himself that no-one was worthy of his time. He wanted someone to change his mind, to change his heart. Because instinctively I knew he wasn't always bitter, cynical, and alone. Somewhere down the line he used to be whole. And so was I. The scary thing was, when I was around him, I felt whole again too. It was like, when he was with me, the massive hole that Jacob left inside of me, was not only forgotten about, but healed. As if it was never there to begin with.

Another loud noise jarred me from my insane thoughts again, and I really wanted to sleep. After stripping the hideously disgusting comforter off the bed, and curling up in the blanket I stole from Jasper's, I started to hum a tune that was unfamiliar to me. Strange how the brain can do that, recall a song that I might have only heard once before. As I started to drift I finally recalled what the song was. Green Eyes by Coldplay was my final fleeting thought before I floated into oblivion.

________________________________________________________________________

I was jolted awake to the sound of a headboard banging against my wall; it was even jostling my bed to its erratic rhythm. Peering over at the ancient clock on the nightstand I saw that it was only 3:00am. In any event, I hadn't been sleeping more than four hours per night anyway, so I figured all attempts right now would be thwarted unless I could get my hands on some Tylenol PM. Throwing the nasty bedding off of myself, I slipped on my flip-flops for a shower. Alice was taking me out today. Of course we would be shopping. I wasn't so naive to think that she simply wanted to "have bonding time with my best friend." Since when did bonding consist of tortuously long hours spent underneath fluorescent lighting, rigged mirrors, and walking until my blisters had blisters of their own?

Of course the "day-o-fun" began at the ungodly hour of eight am, so waking up so early might be a good thing. If I drank about twenty-six shots of espresso I might be closing in on Alice's level of energy.

After showering, getting dressed, uncharacteristically putting on make-up, and attempting to pluck my eyebrows I decided that I could waste the time until I met Alice in a much more efficient manner outside this hotel room.

At six am I hailed a cab and headed across town. I may have lived in Manhattan for a year, but I was still not comfortable on the subway on my own. Call me a pansy if you'd like, but my first week I was taking the subway to Grand Central, and pretty much got mugged by a child. He was a large thirteen year old. It's not a story I like to recall.

It took a good thirty minutes due to the uproarious traffic on a Friday morning. As I sat in the backseat, eyeing the meter with a scowl on my face, I reached into my purse and procured the novel I had been attempting to read.

It was a sequel, of sorts, to _Pride and Prejudice. _I frowned at it for a good three minutes before I reluctantly opened to the third chapter. Angela recommended it to me a while ago, claiming I would love it. How could I love a book that took Jane Austen's brilliant romance, and continued the characters, but not by the same author? It didn't make any sense. I laughed it off and informed her that I would never read it. Ever. That was, until she bought me a copy for Christmas. It had been shooting daggers at me ever since. So I, unhappily, conceded.

By the time I was at the Starbucks closest to the area where my so-called apartment was, I was engrossed. This book was genius! The cabbie had to practically yell at me to pay him when we arrived. I was lost the world of Elizabeth and Darcy. Married. And having a LOT of sex. I threw him a couple of twenties and skipped into Starbucks. I ordered a Venti Cinnamon Dolce Latte and sank into a chair into a secluded corner.

An hour and a half passed without my knowledge. I couldn't get over how much I loved this book! The writer, Berdoll, had such a way with words. Her writing read so much like Austen, sometimes it was impossible to tell the difference. She expounded upon the characters that I came to love with impeccable preciseness. She took them in the direction that they were always meant to go. Unfortunately, as I stumbled upon another steamy scene about the now married Elizabeth and Darcy, Alice glided through the door. And she did not look happy.

"Bella!" She brightened visibly when she spotted me, but frowned immediately after when she actually took in my appearance. "What happened to you?!" Alice gasped in horror.

"Geez, what a way to greet your bestie!" I tried to laugh it off. I knew that I did not look good. The lack of rest caused my eyes to have deep, purplish bruises underneath. Also, I hadn't been able to wash clothes, so they were looking a bit hobo-ish. Washiterias really scared me. Don't ask why. I have irrational fears.

"Sorry," Alice back-tracked, "you just look so sleepy."

"I didn't sleep well last night." That was not a lie.

"Well, I know that I hinted that you and I would be shopping today, but I have changed my mind. On your best day you pretty much pass out by the third store, so by the looks of it I won't even get you into one dressing room before you start crying like Emmett on the day after the Super Bowl."

I laughed at the image I had seen many times. Emmett kneeling by the television yelling, 'Why, God, why?!' Football season was on hiatus for a good four months. That day of mourning was one that had no equal.

"I'm not that bad." I chucked, but felt immensely relieved. And surprised. Alice knew of my "outing" with Edward tomorrow, but was not making me shop. What was she up to?

"What would we be doing instead?" I asked, cautiously. I already saw an evil gleam in her eye.

"Well first I considered getting you ice skating lessons," she started. Cringing, I thought of any way I could make a mad dash to the door. Seeing my frightened expression, she continued. "But then I decided it would be a more humorous story if 'Hot Director Cullen' had to do that tomorrow." My breath came out in a gust. Still delaying the inevitable, but I didn't care.

"Thanks be to God." I let out a small smile.

Alice snorted and went on. "So then I thought that we should just have a relaxing day at the spa. I mean, we have a lot to talk about Bells. I haven't seen you in three freakin days!"

Ok the spa couldn't be that bad. It wasn't designed for torture.

"That sounds wonderful Ali."

I shoved my new favorite book, already forgotten about in the presence of my favorite person, in my bag. I only carried the fake Prada, The Frada, if you will, to appease Alice. We linked arms as she skipped/dragged me out.

She hailed another cab --as she too was scared of the subway-- and we headed to Il Sole, Alice's favorite spa. Her mother, Cori Brandon, rationed out a certain amount of money every month for _beautifictation_. Alice always shared her ration with me, much to my chagrin. But the spa was different. It wasn't like someone would be dying my hair or painting my stubs of nails. We would just be sitting in a hot tub, or getting hot rock massages. _Maybe I could catch up on my sleep…_

However, when we walked in we didn't head to the normal side where the masseurs with their magic hands were waiting for us. We walked to a portion of the establishment I had never seen before. Alice took one of the ladies aside and whispered into her ear. They both laughed devilishly and looked my way at the same time. As soon as the realization hit I made a beeline for the exit, but Alice craftily grabbed me by the arm and forced me back in. For someone so small, she had the strength of an ox.

"Bella, don't be afraid! It's just a little wax! I'm on your side here. This is all to help you." She sounded so sincere.

"Alice!" I whined. "Why do I need anything waxed?! It's not like I have anyone to wax for! No. I'm not doing this. I do a lot for you Alice but I will not be put in pain to make you feel better about my brows, or butt, or whatever it is that you people wax now-a-days!"

She just smirked at my little rant and looked me dead in the eyes. "Are you saying that you don't care if Edward comments on your uni-brow tomorrow? Nor do you care what he'll think when he sees your bristly legs when he inevitably will have to take you to the emergency room for a sprained ankle or severed toe?" Damn my best friend and her ability to think of _everything_!

"UGH!" I surrendered, huffed, and sat down hard in the closest chair. She smiled and danced off to set up all my waxing appointments.

An hour later I was hair free. And I do mean hair free. Everywhere but my head. I could hardly move. The tears had long since passed mine and Alice's eyes. Mine from pain. Alice's from laughter. How can I make her pay for this? I was turning into a sycophantic lunatic trying to think of ways to pay her back for all the agony she put me through "for my own good."

She was still stifling laughter as we slid into the hot tub. We were alone, thank God, because I'm pretty sure that I looked like a tomato all over. And I was still fuming that I had broken my rule of letting someone besides my gynecologist see my "special place".

The water was the most soothing thing I had ever felt. Ever. There was no comparison. Well, except for when Edward held my hands in his. But other than that, this was the best. I grinned in spite of my pain at the shock on my face when he first grabbed my hand.

"What are you so happy about Bella? I thought you refused to show any sort of emotion but animosity to me today." She was always reading me like a book. Alice knew my thoughts were far, far away from my waxing session.

"Oh can it Alice."

"Can it? My god Bella, have you been watching the Brady Bunch every night or what?"

Well what the hell else was I going to watch in that motel? Not Cinemax after midnight! "I mean, cut it out. Of course I'm not smiling at you. Maybe I never will, ever again."

"Quit your pouting. What are you thinking about?"

I wanted to tell her the truth. That I had come to the realization that she was always right about Jacob; that I had never been in love with him. And that in the few weeks I had known Edward I felt more alive than ever. And that I was afraid and excited and thrilled and shaking all at the same time. And that it was hard to put into words what I felt without sounding like I was meant for the loony-bin. I settled on avoidance.

"Just about this thing I was thinking about last night." There. Let her make of that what she will.

"Oh, cryptic much Bella? You know you can't hide things from me. Just tell me. I have a ton to tell you as well." She looked like herself, but there was something in her eyes that I detected. A sort of intensity that I had only seen once before. When she told me of her plan for us to move to New York.

"Well then. Since you seem so eager, you go first." I trusted Alice. But I had never in my life been keeping so many secrets from her. Usually our relationship was one of complete, open, honesty. Nothing shared was uncomfortable, and it was always a relief to tell her everything.

"Ok. Well first things first. You are hiding something. I have no idea what, but I don't want you to tell me out of guilt. You know I will be all ears when you are ready to tell me." Alice gave me a pointed glance, and I looked down into the steaming, bubbling water.

"And secondly, I am in love with Jasper." My head whipped up so fast I knew that I would still feel it tomorrow. I searched her eyes and there it was. Determination, truth, love. There was no way to question it. She waited a little anxiously for my reaction.

"Ok."

"Ok?" She looked at me in disbelief. I was always the logical, rational one. Surely she was expecting some sort of thirty minute lecture about responsibility and adult behavior. But not this time. I cannot argue that look.

"Ok." I repeated while trying to appear serene for her sake.

"That's it? You're not going to yell at me? Tell me that I'm acting like a child because I've only known him a few weeks?" Alice was beyond shocked.

"Alice. You are my best friend. And I want to see you happy. When you look at Jasper it's like you're looking at your life. Your future. In the beginning I'll admit that I was a bit skeptical, but I believe you. You're in love."

Alice looked like she was about to wade across the waters and hug me, but decided against it when she remembered we were both naked. I thought I saw a tear roll down her cheek, but it could've been because we were in the water.

"Thank you." She said simply.

"You're welcome. I'm so thrilled for you." And I was. But also I hurt for me. Damn, why was I so selfish? Why couldn't my brain just process this, and be happy for Alice, and not feel all these other things?

"You'll find it too, you know." Reading my thoughts, as always.

"Sure, sure."

"I hate it when you do that Bella. Listen, you just have to wait it out. You're such a wonderful person. Self-sacrificing almost to a fault. Honest. A woman of integrity. Some man out there has been waiting for you. You're going to complete someone someday, to make them a better man. You have to believe that too. I can't hold all the optimism here." She gave me a stern look.

I decided that a subject change was in order.

"So… have you told him this?" Alice glowed as I asked her and I had my answer.

"He told me first. On Christmas day."

"You've been holding out on me Alice Brandon!" I shouted in mock rage and splashed her with the scalding water.

"Oh come on Bella! I was just waiting until for the right moment to tell you."

"Of course. When you have utterly broken down all my defenses by subjecting me to hideous pain and humiliation for an hour? That's the right time?"

"It's for-"

"Your own good, Bella." I cut her sentence off and repeated her favorite mantra. "I know, I know. But tell me this? What do I need to be all waxed for in January? I mean, in the summer this would all make a little more sense."

"Well there are obviously a myriad of reasons, but a few particulars." She raised her eyebrows at me and smiled. "This could be the season that you finally lose your V-card, and we always want to be prepared for that."

"I don't know what's worse. The fact that you are helping to orchestrate the loss of your best friend's virginity, or the fact that you used the Boy Scout code in a sentence pertaining to your best friend's virginity." We laughed for a good while at that one until Alice chimed back in.

"Wishful thinking I guess… But also remember that as costume designer for your show it's very likely that you'll be wearing things that expose more skin than you're used to. I know you Bella. If the season calls for jeans, or long pants, you won't shave for a good three months. This is not at all acceptable. We must be ready in case you're modeling your costume for 'Hot Director Cullen'."

I felt my breathing escalate at her words, and my face flush.

"It's not going to be…too…revealing…is it?" I squeaked in a small voice.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes."

"That was rhetorical. Now. I'm sure you have some stuff to tell me. How's Ellen, your new roommate?"

Damn. I had not prepared for this. I don't know why! Surely she would ask me about my new place. Shit. I suck at lying. "She's great…not there very often. But yeah. Everything's fine." There. Simple, terse. Not bad Bella.

"You're a fountain of knowledge today," she quipped sarcastically. "And how may I ask is 'Hot Director Cullen'?"

My blush deepened. Again. "Edward." I choked out quietly.

"I'm sorry?"

"His name is Edward."

She grinned wickedly. "So you're on a first name basis now?"

"Something like that." I mumbled.

"So tomorrow, it's not just a business meeting in Rockafeller Plaza, is it?" Alice was getting that gleam in her eye again.

"Yes. It is. We're…friends. I guess. But tomorrow I'm getting my script."

She didn't speak. Only smiled.

"Come on Alice. You know there's nothing going on. I mean for starters, he's my boss. And not to mention light-years out of my league. And sometimes he's a jerk to me. And…and …no. Just no. It's not like that."

Her smile remained plastered on.

"What?" I snapped.

"You really like him don't you? I mean _really_ like him?" I did **not** want to have this conversation.

"What? No!" I practically shouted. "I mean, he's very attractive and all, and we get along when he's not being an ass, but…no. What's the use? So we're friends. Well sort of."

"Sort of." She repeated petulantly.

"He's so hard to read." It all started spilling out. The whole blasted thing had been stewing inside of me for so long that there was nothing to stop it now. Even the fact that I didn't want to talk about it. "We talk on the phone a lot. A lot more than is necessary for a boss/employer relationship. And when we met in the beginning of call-backs he was so amazing. I mean, a little rude. He seemed surprised that I could clean up so well, but that doesn't matter. He told me I rendered him incoherent. And then he was so evasive when I asked him questions. Later he went all possessive and saved me from a mean man on the streets. And then he held my hand and I swear it seemed like all the world fell into place. I don't even know how to describe it. It was like the culmination of all my past experiences put together could never equal this one moment in time. But then it got better. He played piano and his hands were so graceful. He even got me to play, which I don't do. But he makes me feel confident, better, like a sexy…woman. And then we sang and I cried and it was beautiful, and he leaned in and…and...and…" I was gasping for breath.

"AND?!!!" Alice cried.

"And someone walked in. The moment was gone. He was horrible to me the rest of the day." The grief that I felt over his actions that day seized up my heart once again. It wasn't beating steady.

"What do you mean he was horrible to you?" She was doubting me, thinking I was exaggerating my story.

"I mean exactly that. He pushed me off and snapped at me to call him 'Mr. Cullen.'" I sneered out his name. "He held the producer's hand during the call-backs, and then Jacob came in to read-"

"JACOB!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU…WHAT THE F-…HOW…"

Right. I had been hiding _everything_ from Alice. I hadn't wanted all my troubles to burst her love bubble with Jasper. But since I started, I might as well let her have the whole of it.

"Sorry. I believe that I forgot to mention Jacob. He was there, reading for the part and when we had to kiss I sort of spazzed and ran out of the room. But Edward came to check on me. I was bawling like a baby, I'm sure I looked like an idiot. But he was there, and saying these things…and I knew he felt it too. Of course he pulled away again and talked down to me like I was an idiot. So I had to go out there and face Jacob… It was awful. Then I was so depressed about Edward being all crazy that I went out with Jacob-"

"BELLA!!!!" I didn't miss her larger than life warning.

"Let me finish. I went out with Jake, and he brought his _fiancé_. Leah." I stopped to let that sink in. Alice wasn't moving an inch, and I was afraid. So I continued. "Anyway, that was also the night of the fire, and I guess I just never got around to telling you about it. Oh, and Jacob got the part so I have to kiss him every day." I added the last in a rush, in hopes that it would just blend in with all the other information I was assaulting her with.

"Wha…wha… I'm sorry. Let me collect my thoughts." Alice took a deep breath, and slowly mouthed counting to ten. "Alright. So you didn't tell me all this right away. No harm done. I know it all now. And here are my thoughts. Edward sounds like…well he sounds confusing. But he wants to see you and talk to you on the phone, so I'm thinking maybe he's just perplexed at how to handle the situation he's in. It would be a little taboo if he dated you, and maybe he is just trying to reign himself back in. But I wouldn't give up. That just means you're going to have to be a little more aggressive. Now as for Jake, I'm sure he had a brilliant reason as to why he deemed it necessary to flaunt his bimbo in your face like that, without warning, like an asshole. But I don't give a shit what his reasons are because he still hurt you. Again. And I'm not putting up with it."

"Alice it's ok."

"No! It's not. He can't just waltz back into your life after a year and drop a bomb on you like that. Not after the way he's been treating you. All those letters, calls, and flowers! What does his _fiancé_ think about all that?!" This was the most infuriated I had ever seen Alice. It made me smile a bit to see her defending me so vehemently.

"It doesn't matter."

"Sure it does! I'm sure it killed you!"

"No. It didn't."

"Ok. Who are you and what have you done with Isabella Swan?" My nonchalant manner unsettled her. I'm sure as soon as the words Jacob and Leah came out of my mouth she was expecting to have to console me for hours. But not this time.

"I have come to the realization that I never loved Jacob. Sure I care about him. He was my best friend. And sure it hurt. I did have myself a good cry. But I'm starting to put things into perspective. Live and let live, Alice. He doesn't control my emotional climate anymore. I'm not going to let him." The words shocked Alice, but I even surprised myself. Everything I said was true. I was finally over it! Talk about a step in the right direction!

Her stunned silence lasted a few more seconds, but then she let out a little snort. "Bella, you don't know how relieved I am to hear you say that. What brought about this change?"

Could I tell her the truth? She was Alice. She wouldn't judge me. I steeled myself towards speaking out the revelation that would surely solidify my stance as a mental patient.

"Edward." Deep breath. "When I met him I had the most insane attraction to him. I couldn't even explain it to myself, so I blew it off. Counted it as extreme lust or nerves from the audition. But what I couldn't push away was the feeling of peace that came over me when he was around. And the sense of protection and comfort. I mentally compared how I already felt for Edward to what I had with Jake. And then, after really getting to talk to him, in person, I had to tell myself the truth. I had never felt this way about anyone before. The crazy thing is, I don't even know him! But it doesn't matter anymore. Because the passion that I already feel for this practical stranger is so much more than I ever felt for Jake. Or what I ever dreamed I could feel for _anyone_. I thought I knew how love manifested itself, but I didn't. Until now." _Oh. My. God. Freudian slip?_

"So…what are you saying? That you're in love with Edward Cullen?"

There was a long pause that followed. If I spoke these words aloud; uttered them into existence, then this would be real. Then my epiphany would not be something I could turn my back on and remember as a temporary bout of insanity. This would define me in so many ways. Bella, the girl who never let anyone in, would now give up all her defenses and hand herself over to a stranger. A stranger who would now have the power to break her in ways that she never dreamed possible.

"Yes. I think I am." I whispered, not trusting my voice. And I couldn't contest it now. Not now that I spoke it. I was in love with him. Without knowing his middle name, who his parents were, his secrets, if he had a pet, and what his life's ambitions are. Without knowing anything about him, I knew. This was love.

So. What do I do now?

I felt tears pulling at the corners of my eyes and I quickly blinked them away. There was a sadness that still overwhelmed me. Sure, some part of Edward liked me. But I could never be sure how much. And the worst feeling in the world is unrequited love.

"Bella. I believe you." Alice was deep in thought.

"I know you do."

"So, you get to know him." She was just thinking of the next logical step.

"Yeah. I guess I do. I mean, I want to. But he's closed up tight."

"So you pry him open. Then see if your feelings change."

"They won't." I was so sure now. All it took was that simple statement and now all my emotions are organized neatly in a row.

"Be careful Bella. Your heart is just now healing. I mean, he sounds great and all, but you're in really deep." She frowned at me, clearly worried by change in me. I had gone from logical, smart, cautious Bella, to balls to the wall Bella in a matter of weeks!

"Yeah, I am in deep." I thought out loud. But I pushed the negative thoughts right out of head and focused instead on my new revelation.

_______________________________________________________________

Sneaky-ass best friend. We did not go shopping. Alice was true to her word. However, what she failed to mention is that she had already been shopping for me for an outfit that was dubbed, "appropriate for sporty-ish recreational activity, while still maintaining a chic quality appropriate for looking sinfully hot." Yeah Alice. Put that on a billboard. I didn't mind it, and I even considered thanking her for it. Because now I would look semi decent for the first time I saw him. I know, I know. Not the first time. But I would be seeing him in a new light. A "love" light.

Alice convinced me to stay at Jasper's place that night. He was out of town visiting his family. They lived in Texas. She wanted to spend some time with me before she had to leave town the next day for some costuming convention in L.A. Also, she wanted to make sure that I looked amazing for my outing with Edward. And for that, I was eternally grateful.

The next morning Edward texted what time we would meet. Not until two in the afternoon. This was perfect. It wasn't at night; therefore, I maybe wouldn't fall as much. But on second thought, I couldn't blame my lack of balance on night blindness.

And also it was late enough in the day for Alice to work her true magic on me.

I was wearing some skinny dark wash jeans (which were way too tight in my humble opinion, but Alice said a guy like Edward was an ass man…and who was I to argue with that?), a royal blue cashmere v-neck sweater that fit me like a glove, a crème cardigan over it, and topped it off with a black pea coat. Thankfully Alice found some cute flats so I wouldn't be in danger of falling while just strolling down the street. Then again, it was me, so that is always a possibility, even in flats. But I liked the shoes. They were silver Steve Madden, and pointy toed. My mahogany hair hung in effortless curls and framed my face. They weren't stiff from hairspray; instead Alice used my natural curl to her advantage. The make-up was minimal and consisted of some light powder, a little shimmer on my eye-lids, some mascara, and clear lip gloss.

It was one o clock when Alice finally finished with me and turned me to her mirror. I was pleased by the end result; not too "done-up" but not too casual either. I looked like me. Which was always a plus. Alice bid me an enthusiastic farewell as I left Jasper's apartment at 1:30. I wanted to walk to Rockafeller so that I would have some time to collect my thoughts.

Here I was, rational, boring Bella Swan. In love. With a man who probably would never see me that way. Usually my brain would allow me to avoid situations like this. Whenever I got too close to someone who could hurt me, warnings shot off like flare guns inside my head. But this time, there was no warning. There was no time for my brain to oppose the illogical reasoning of my heart. Because my heart told me, that I never stood a chance. As soon as I saw his green eyes, as soon and I heard his impossibly smooth voice, as soon as I felt his calming touch, I was in love.

I wondered how different I would be. Before, when I was around Edward, I simply ignored all my natural instincts. I had no fear of him not wanting me, because I never entertained the idea that I could fall in love with him. Before, he was just beautiful. And funny. And charming. Now, I felt as if I had something to prove. Like I could make him notice me in more than a "friendly outing" kind of way. But I had to push those thoughts aside. The man doesn't do relationships. That much is clear. I had to get to know him, to be his friend first. I had to get him to care about me in the most simplistic ways before he would ever consider anything more. And there is always the possibility that he will reject even my attempts at friendship. However, Edward was lonely. It was there in the midst of all the pain in his eyes. If I could just be the person to satiate his loneliness…

I was a good fifteen minutes early when I arrived, so I spotted a Starbucks and hastily made my way out of the cold. Alice, in all her brilliantness, had forgotten gloves. My hands were going to be frostbitten!

Alice was leaving for LA in a few hours so I texted her goodbye:

_Ali, I made it here. And I didn't fall one time. Be safe in LA. Call me when you land._

_-Bella_

I sunk down in a chair with a view of the plaza to look for Edward. Not thirty seconds later I felt my phone buzz.

_I'm so proud! And you say you're gravitationally challenged… I will be careful. No joining the mile high club for me! I love you. Have fun! And be yourself! _

_-Alice_

Smiling, I slipped my phone back into the coat pocket. Yeah. Be myself. Right. Like that's ever a good choice…

Promptly at 2:00 I spied Edward walking up to the ice skating kiosk. My stomach lurched so forcefully it felt as if my whole body jerked. The beating of my heart accelerated with every passing second. This is what it must feel like to have a heart attack.

I walked outside and paused about twenty feet away from him. His back was to me, and I took a moment to study his appearance. He wore nice black slacks, and a grey woolen overcoat. I had known it was Edward immediately because of his unique hair color, and I stared at it unabashedly while the wind tossed it about, making it even more disheveled. While studying him, he ran a hand through his hair (probably from impatience), and let it drop to his side once again. Feeling a little like a stalker, I decided the time had come to actually approach him.

I closed my eyes for a second as scattered thoughts raced through my brain. Part of me was screaming, _Run Bella run!!!_, at the top of my lungs, and the other part of me wasn't much better, scrolling through lists of greetings, trying to pick the most appropriate. _Wassup? How's it hanging? Fancy seeing you here. We meet again. Hi. Hola. Shalom. Wilkomen_. I decided a simple hello would suffice, opened my eyes, and let out a stifled yelp.

Perfect green eyes stared back at me, full of humor. He had obviously turned around and saw me standing there, eyes closed, muttering to myself. Then had decided it would be funny to have his face inches from my own when I finally figured out what to say.

I let my gaze travel the full length of his face and took in his amused smirk. Gazing at his full lips, they opened and I heard the voice that I had been craving for weeks. It was so much better in person.

"Hello, Bella." His deep, sultry voice washed over me and made my skin warm in the middle of the icy New York air.

Damnit. He stole my line.

"You are…hanging…sha…how…you scared me!" I finally managed to utter while stomping my foot on the ground like a two year old.

He just threw his head back and laughed heartily for what seemed like a minute. I already blew the greeting, but it's best not to get bogged down by small failures today. They would be happening a lot.

"It's not funny!" I protested with a hint of a smile (I loved to hear him laugh), and playfully slapped his arm. Oh! Hello there Mr. Bicep!

"I'm sorry, but you should have seen your face!" Still laughing, Edward started walking toward a nearby bench. "What were you muttering to yourself?"

"I…uh…just…uh…some kid bumped into me, and I was mad about it." Okay, this is disastrous! "I had to close my eyes and count to ten to not hunt that mongrel down!" WHAT?!! Could I _be_ any stranger at this point?

But Edward continued to chuckle at my feeble attempt at an explanation. "Anger issues, Bella?"

I nodded, not trusting my Benedict Arnold voice, and he sat down. Sitting beside him, I noticed his smiled lifted even more.

"That really surprises me, Bella. I could you use a lot of words to describe you, but spitfire would not be one of them." I eyed him curiously at his remark.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"It's just that…you're well…you're so nice. And apologetic. Anytime you've ever said something remotely feisty to me, you always tag on a sweet little apology on the end." Edward's perception of me was dead on, but I'd be damned if I wasn't going to stick with my "anger at a child" story.

"Well, well, well, Mr. Cullen. Here you are, right off the bat, assuming you know everything about me. Let me assure you, I have the temper of a…of a…"

"Small kitten?" He offered.

"More like a bear." I warned, narrowing my eyes at his dig.

"Can I let you in on a secret Ms. Swan?" He crooned, leaning towards me.

"Sure." I called coolly, still pretending to be sore from his joke. In all actuality, there was an all out butterfly war in my stomach as he came closer.

"I have anger issues too." He whispered into my ear.

"I would have never guessed." I said sarcastically. "From what I've heard your temper _never_ makes an appearance at rehearsals when you're directing."

"That it does not." He jokingly concurred, grinning at me once again. Suddenly he stood up and held out his hand. "Come on, let's get to skating. We're burning daylight."

My smiled faltered, but as I reached for his hand and he pulled me up from the bench, the contact soothed some of my skating fears. Of course, my anxiety was probably still written on my face.

"Something wrong Bella?" Edward questioned as he dropped my hand and we made our way over to the line at the kiosk.

"Nope. Everything's perfect." _Lying through your teeth. That's a great way to earn trust._

"You don't have to lie to me." _How did he see right through me?_ "What is it?"

"I just…well…I'm not so good at the skating." I couldn't fend off the blush that followed after my embarrassing statement.

Simpering at me I saw his eyes stray from my face momentarily, and take in the length of my body. I blushed deeper now. His glances made me feel so vulnerable and naked. I liked that his eyes roamed over my body.

"That's okay. I won't let you fall." _Good luck_, I added in my head. "By the way, that color blue looks stunning on you."

I had a feeling it was a good idea that I said no to blush when Alice tried to apply it this morning, because my blush would surely remain in tact all day long.

"Thanks." I muttered nervously. "Alice picked it out."

"Does Alice pick out all your clothes?"

"Yep. I'm hopeless."

"Well then it's a good thing I've hired her." He looked away then, and his eyes seemed to lose their light. I wondered what I had said that upset him, but I couldn't recall anything thus far.

We were still in line at this point, and there was a considerable silence. I decided to end it.

"You know, keeping me from falling out there is going to be one huge task. Are you sure you're willing to take it on?"

When he turned back to me, I could still feel his distance from seconds ago, but it felt like my voice was drawing him back to me. Slowly but surely.

I continued as the hint of a smile crept up on his face. "Because if you were hoping to make it through this day without a severed finger, or at least a few serious bruises, I hate to break it to you, but you won't."

"Are you really that bad?"

"I don't know. I've never done this before. But I can seem to walk across normal flat surfaces without face planting. I'm sort of a walking disaster."

He was beaming now, all traces of his spurt of distance vanished.

"I'll just have to teach you then. And don't worry. No one is going to sever _anything_ today."

**Sooo please review!!!! I love you ladies!**


	10. The TruthSomewhat

**Hello wonderful readers! I am so proud of the new chapter that I simply couldn't wait to post it! I've been so excited to hear from you all. You are truly wonderful ladies and I appreciate all the advice and encouragement that you've given me.**

**Please read the author's note at the end. This chapter came to me fast, but it's not epic in length. Sorry for that!**

**I own nothing.**

**Now, back to ice skating….**

"Bella you have to move away from the wall." Edward was in the middle of the swarming skaters, who seemed oblivious of the fact that I could possibly kill them all at any minute, staring at me with what I considered an impatient yet amused expression.

I knew I was being ridiculous, refusing to let myself stray from the safety net that was the wall surrounding the rink, but I just could not bring myself to get out there. It was obvious that I would fall, maybe hurt myself and Edward, but it wasn't just that. I didn't want Edward not to have a good time skating because he had to worry with me flailing about the whole time. Skating was his idea. He wanted to be able to fly around the rink like a pro, not to drag my ass along behind him. Also, my body might combust with him in such close proximity. Every time his hand hovered anywhere near my body I couldn't breathe…or articulate any intelligible thought. And finally, I was just scared.

"I didn't come here to skate all by myself, Bella. Come on out. I'm not going to promise that you won't fall, but I will always fall with you. Come on."

My resolve was weakening every second. The stare he was giving me definitely should not being turned upon the ice surrounding us, because it would melt away. Then he said the one word that broke me.

"Please." His delectable lower lip jutted out and I wanted nothing more than to glide over to him and throw my body atop his; to claim that lip, and the rest of him as my own, in front of all these people.

"Alright," I sighed, tentatively moving inches away from the wall at a snail's pace. His face broke into a large grin at my concession, and he slid over to take me by the hand. Raw emotion seized up my body, and I felt myself growing warm all over despite the dropping temperature outside.

As soon as I was out reach of the wall, I began to silently panic and felt my legs start to slip out from under me. Edward quickly steadied me by wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me tightly to him.

"Whoa there," he breathed into my ear, "are you okay?"

"Sure." I spoke with a shaky voice. I was right about this whole proximity thing. The closer he was, the dumber I became. He undid me!

I was very skeptical about the thin blades holding me up. There's no way I should be able to balance on these things! My legs were wobbling and I was thankful to have Edward's strong arms holding me in place.

"Trust me." He whispered in my ear, causing my body to tremble.

"Sure, that's what they all say." I grimaced at my feeble attempt at a joke.

_That's what they all say? What does that even mean?!_

He stood directly behind me now and I had a feeling that our lessons were about to begin. I felt his strong, stable hands grip both sides of my waist, and his chest on my back as he leaned in to talk to me above all the noise.

"Here we go Bella. Ice Skating 101. Now I want you to just move with me as I tell you. Think of us as working together here, okay?"

His soft tone made me shiver and his breath tickled my ear as he spoke. I liked the thought of us working together. Somehow my brain was making the most innocent of words sound dirty.

"Yes. That sounds good." I choked, tensing up for when we would inevitably move.

"Good. Now let's start with our right leg. Just slightly push forward with your right leg."

I grinned at how gentlemanly he was acting today. The thought of how well this was going made my heart swell. If anything, our interactions had cemented the fact that I loved this amazingly confusing man.

We moved at the same time, sliding forward a bit. Then we moved our left feet together. Then the right again. Soon we were gliding around the rink, Edward still holding on to me with all his might. I felt as light as air as I made my way around circle, with Edward doing all the steering. He was a great teacher; I was already getting the hang of it.

After twenty minutes I was skating on my own. It actually helped a bit when Edward moved away from me, because I was able to think about doing what he was telling me to do. I had only fallen four times thus far, and I was extremely proud of my progress.

"Hey Bella," Edward called from the other side of the rink, "watch this."

I came to a stop and looked intently as Edward started to gain speed. Suddenly I had a feeling that whatever was about to happen couldn't end well. He flew across the ice and started to do a bit of a turn before wiping out wickedly and landing flat on his back.

As fast as I could I shuffled over to where he lay on the ice, his face beet red and his mouth turned down at the corners.

"Edward?" I squeaked, barely able to trust my voice. I was in danger of erupting in a fit of giggles at any moment.

"That was supposed to be very cool and impressive." Edward groaned, not opening his eyes to see me suppressing my chuckle.

"The fall _was_ rather impressive. I think you were airborne for a good thirty seconds there before you hit the ice. Here, let me help you." My efforts at controlling my laughter were ruined the moment he opened his eyes and looked up at me. I offered my hand to him, and he grasped it, inciting that feeling again.

A mischievous smile broke out on his perfect face and before I knew it I was laying on my butt right beside him.

"Hey!" I protested, shoving him with my arm. "You did that on purpose!"

He only smiled in return. "Well I've been falling for you all day, I figured that was the least you could do for me."

The world stopped turning.

Edward looked at the shock, clearly tattooed all over my face, with an expression of pure bewilderment. That is, until he realized how his comment might have been received.

Our eyes locked and all the thoughts that were chained inside my heart at the moment ached to be released. I hoped I could convey with my expression that I had already fallen. Hard. Impossibly. Irreversibly.

He, of course, broke our staring contest and rose to his feet. I expected some snide comment about how women take everything out of context, or maybe another "Bella I'm your boss speech," or "we're just friends", but all that he did was offer me his hand.

Hooray for small victories.

"I think we've skated far too long. Besides, you've been shivering all day. You must be cold." He said quietly, cleverly avoiding broaching the subject.

_Yeah, __**that's**__ why I've been shivering._

I declined his hand, feeling a little snubbed. But not as horrible as the other times he rejected me. Besides, I was proud to be able to stand up on my own.

He frowned at me once I was on my feet, and as a breeze blew my hair around my face I realized maybe I was colder than I originally thought. In fact, I couldn't even feel my gloveless hands at the moment.

I rubbed my hands together and convulsed a bit at the frigid air that I could now feel swirling about me. Once my Edward bubble was popped, all the warmness of this perfect day was gone.

Swiftly, Edward grabbed my hands in his own and began to furiously rub his around mine, trying to heat them up. Then he bent down and blew his hot breath onto them.

"Jesus Bella, you're freezing. Come on, let me get you something to eat."

I didn't protest as he grabbed my hand and tugged me along. Actually I was still a bit surprised by how cold I was. Usually, no matter who has my attention, I can gauge the temperature of my body. _Good Lord, I'm going nusto._

Next thing I knew we were seated inside a quiet little sushi restaurant. When we walked in I vaguely heard Edward requesting a table away from the crowded front area, but I chalked it up to the fact that it might be warmer in the back. The room we were sitting in now was practically empty, and for that I was glad. I didn't want to have to fight for Edward's attention. He couldn't avoid me forever.

We hadn't spoken since leaving Rockafeller and I didn't really know what to say to him. I settled on trying to recreate our twenty questions experience.

"So Edward, let's play that question game again. But no passes this time." I spoke confidently, daring him to say no to my little game.

"Good. I was hoping we'd get to this. I'm first." To say I was taken aback would be an understatement. I usually had to work for a while to get him to open up to me.

He stared intently at me as he asked his first question. "Why didn't you tell me that you were so cold out there?"

"I didn't notice." I shrugged, wondering why that was so important to ask me.

"You didn't notice?" He repeated incredulously.

"Nope. I guess I just had other stuff on my mind. I didn't realize I was freezing until you mentioned it."

"Hmmm. You're odd Bella Swan." He cracked a smile at his little jib, but I didn't care.

"I know. I'm I theater person. Ok…" I trailed off, considering my next question.

It had to be good. I wanted to come out and ask him what his relationship with Victoria was all about, but I figured that would be too much. So I settled with something easier.

"Why did you ask me to go ice skating with you today?"

His eyes darkened visibly, and I realized that maybe it wasn't such an easy answer. But I didn't care. I was ready to see what this _thing_ was between us.

"I enjoy your company."

"That's all?"

He hesitated and looked at me with pain in his eyes before he continued.

"No. I feel…drawn to you. I just…wanted to spend some time with you. As a friend, not as your boss. It doesn't make any sense because I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to hell anyway…"

What. Was. That. Nothing he says ever makes any sense.

"Do you always speak so cryptically?"

"That's another question. My turn." There was a fire in his eyes. A strange determination that I wasn't used to seeing. But it thrilled me.

"Sorry," I answered softly, looking down at my menu, "proceed."

"Why did you agree to come with me today?"

_Honesty, Bella. _

The voice inside my head must be losing her touch. I can't just tell a practical stranger that I've fallen in love with him and would go with him to the top of Mount Everest if he asked me to… But what could I say that would still be true?

"Well to quote you, I guess you could say that I'm drawn to you as well. But it's more than that really. I know we haven't talked that much in person, but I love our conversations on the phone, and I just really feel like we connect. I rarely find someone that I get along with so well." He gave me a dangerous stare at my words so I hastily added, "Friends-wise that is…"

"This is all wrong." He muttered to himself. Edward's eyes were tortured, and it was like watching someone relive their worst moment. It made me feel nauseous.

"What is Edward?"

"This. Me being here with you. It's wrong. But I can't leave. I don't want to leave." He grabbed my hands that were resting on top of the table and pleaded for me to understand with his eyes. But I didn't. Because he NEVER explains himself!

"Why?" I whispered painfully.

"For so many reasons. One being the fact that if Victoria found out she would have you fired, and you probably couldn't get a job in this town ever again, two being that I'm not the kind of person you want to start any kind of relationship with, and three and four and one-hundred that I can't even begin to explain to you."

He appeared to be getting choked up and my grip on his hands tightened fiercely. His eyes looked hundreds of years old, like they had seen things that I could never even imagine seeing. I hated to see that agony staring back at me, and not be able to fix it. Or to even discover what caused it.

"So you're with Victoria." I spoke aloud the terrifying truth that had been nagging at me since we first met. It was obvious; I just chose to ignore it.

"No. I'm not."

"What?"

"Not technically. We just…take care of each others needs from time to time."

"What?"

"Sexually." He looked disgusted with himself and tried to pull out of my grasp, but I held even tighter.

"Do you love her?"

"No. She's…she's….Jesus. I know you'll want to just leave after I say this…"

I had to admit I was a little afraid, but I had to hear what he would say. Then again, it didn't matter, I would stay anyway.

"Nothing you say could make me leave Edward." I said gently, pressing my palm to his face and rubbing his clenched jaw lightly with my thumb.

"Fine. You'll regret that statement though."

I gave him a look that said, "try me" and he continued.

"She's married."

There was a pause in which I absorbed what he was telling me. While it was awful that he was helping this woman carry on an affair, it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. But Edward mistook my silence for repulsion.

"It's not as bad as it seems though Bella. I mean, it is, but it's just easy. I have needs, but I don't get into relationships. And I'm not the type of guy that can be with someone I don't know. She was my mentor when I got into the theater industry, and it just sort of happened. Victoria doesn't have feelings for me, and I don't have any for her. It's strictly business."

"If it's strictly business, then why would she be angry at you for being here with me?"

"Because she's very…protective of our arrangement. If I were to ever…well…you could risk our secrecy and 'operation', as she calls it. Her husband is a very prominent lawyer. He could ruin us both."

The waitress appeared out of nowhere, causing my hand to sink down back into my lap, and be accompanied by my other as I wrung them together. I hadn't anticipated this complicated of a situation. And I didn't know how I felt about the fact that Edward used someone for sex. Although it seemed she was using him as well.

However, I knew that Edward was ashamed of this fact, and that brought me back to the list of reasons why I loved him. I knew that he was a good person, he just lost sight of his priorities somewhere down the line. I could tell that he had been hurt, and I knew instinctively that some instance in his past led to the mess he was in now. Also the fact that he was being so open, so vulnerable, with me had my heart practically beating out of my chest.

We ordered some unagi and Edward slumped back in his chair, utterly defeated.

"You can go now." He had no idea that leaving was not an option anymore.

"I'm not leaving Edward."

He attempted a feeble grin in my direction, and then ran his hand through his tousled hair.

"And I'm not condoning this either. But, is that what you want Edward? Really what you want? To never have the chance at a true relationship for a life-long screw-buddy?"

"No. Of course not. I want out…I just don't have the strength to deal with the consequences of ending it."

"Well man up!" I stated firmly. "There are some things that are worth the risk."

I didn't mean myself, but I realized he could've taken it that way when I saw his head snap up and search my face.

"Listen," he started, and I was afraid that I sounded like an insensitive ass, "you've been wonderful, listening to me bitch, and not judging me, but you don't have to pretend with me. This is not what I would want in a friend, someone who dumps all their issues on me…"

"No! That's not what I meant. I'm so thankful to be able to understand you a little bit more. And so grateful that you chose to tell me the truth. That's what friends do, they confide in each other." His expression lightened a bit.

"So you confide in me now." He hedged, grinning a little.

"What do you mean?" I asked hesitantly.

"Why haven't you told me about your apartment yet? I mean, if we're supposed to be honest with each other then you should've told me about it when I asked how you were on the phone last week."

I was shocked that he knew about the fire, and I was sure I hadn't mentioned it.

"Who told you?" Alice was going down.

"Why is that important?"

"Because I didn't want you to know!" I wasn't necessarily angry, I just didn't want Edward to try to do me any favors. Or fire me because I was homeless.

"Why not?" He goaded, seemingly perplexed.

"Fine. I will tell you. But let it be known that your not so subtle subject change was noticed and will not be forgotten." I gave him a meaningful look, and his face fell, but I continued. "I didn't want you to know because I wasn't sure how you would react. If I'm homeless I figured you'd reconsider having me play the lead and that is something that I just can't handle."

"Of course I wouldn't fire you Bella! That's completely absurd."

"Well sometimes my brain works on a different level than a normal person's. And I tend to overreact."

"As do I." He said in the sexiest voice I'd ever heard.

"So who told you?"

"Jasper. He said that you and Alice were living at his place, but that you moved out."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"You are so damn inquisitive!"

His lips turned up in the most breathtaking way and he popped a sushi into his mouth. Consequently, with the turn our conversation had taken, I hadn't even noticed that our food had arrived.

"I left because I felt I was intruding. Among other reasons…" I purposefully let Edward figure out what "other reasons" might entail because I had no desire to recount Alice's sexual deviancy.

After gathering the right amount of wasabi and mixing it with my soy I proceeded to eat a roll. As I did, I noticed Edward's smirk.

"What?" I questioned, feeling rather annoyed. I felt as if he was observing me.

"That's a lot a wasabi." He commented.

"So, I like it hot." I quipped, not hearing the sexual overtones in my words. Edward however, heard them loud and clear.

We both busted out laughing when I realized my slip-up, and I was glad things were becoming a little more light-hearted. Not that I didn't appreciate discovering some about Edward's reluctance to be around me, but I certainly wanted this to be a fun day for us.

"Can we go back to the game now?" Edward asked, practically reading my mind.

"Yeah. But I want the next question." He just nodded and took a swig of his beer.

_Think light Bella…So is sex with a cold hard bitch really that great because I think I could…_

_Stop it._

"What's your favorite kind of beer?" I'm not really sure where that question came from, but at least I wasn't offering my services to him. Not that I really had any services to speak of anyhow…

"I'm a Fat Tire man. You?"

"Shiner."

"Oh. I approve."

"Thanks." I giggled, actually feeling gratified that he agreed with my taste in beer.

"I like a girl who drinks beer." He added thoughtfully.

"My mother always said that girls that drink beer were tacky."

"If by tacky she meant sexy…" The unagi came back to life and started swimming around in my stomach at his simple compliment.

"Ok Bella, my turn. Favorite Shakespearean sonnet?"

"That's easy. 116."

His expression turned a bit sour at my answer.

"What's wrong with 116?" I felt the need to defend the most beautiful poem of all time.

"Nothing, it's just…well it's pretty." He said, placating me.

"What do you mean 'pretty'?"

"Come on Bella, it's a smidgen impractical, don't you think?"

"Impractical? What do you suggest as a more 'practical' sonnet?" Debating with Edward was so utterly stimulating to me. I loved Alice, bless her heart, but she could never go head to head with me about Shakespeare.

"I'm quite partial to 138." He said, eating more sushi.

An alarm went off in my head as soon as he said 138. I was right. He had been hurt. I recalled the sonnet in my head as one of the most depressing Shakespeare ever wrote:

_When my love swears that she is made of truth_

_I do believe her, though I know she lies,_

_That she might think me some untutored youth,_

_Unlearned in the world's false subtleties._

_Thus vainly thinking she thinks me young,_

_Though she knows my days are past their best,_

_Simply I credit her false speaking tongue:_

_On both sides thus is simple truth suppress'd._

_But wherefore say she not she is unjust?_

_And wherefore say not I that I am old?_

_O love's best habit is in __**seeming**__ trust,_

_And age in love loves not to have years told:_

_Therefore I lie with her and she with me_

_And in our faults by lies we'd flatter'd be._

"It's wonderfully sad, but I hope it doesn't reflect humanity." I had read the poem hundreds of times. Debating Shakespeare was a daily occurrence when you were a musical theatre major in university. But I knew the people that enjoyed this poem most of all were "glass-half-empty" thinkers.

"So you don't agree that everyone wants to be lied to?" He asked, and I knew we were about to go swimming in philosophical waters. That made me nervous.

"Well I'm not generally the happiest person in the world. I'm sarcastic and pretty unsure of myself, but I put more stock in humanity than that. Sure there are people who live in their own skewed sense of reality, but I'd like to think that I'm not like that. That I prefer the truth above all else, even if the truth is painful."

"And you think that sonnet 116 is a poem about truth?" He questioned.

"Yes. I believe that 'love is an ever fixed mark'. I believe in every word." I was confident in my answers.

"And you've felt that before? This so-called 'love' that never alters or changes no matter what storms may regale it?" I started to nod timidly, but he continued. "Because I certainly have searched for it, and come up empty. I find that it is easy to pretend such love exists; to lie to ourselves until we are sure that we are in the middle of 'true love', and that we'd rather live that way than know that everyone is on their own. You never really know anybody. You could be surrounded by a million people, and still be all alone."

My eyes pricked with moisture at his comments. What a sad existence! To never fully believe that love exists in any capacity would make me feel hopeless and desolate. What could have happened to him to convince him so thoroughly that mankind was incapable of love; that in the end we were all alone; that there was no-one that would ever know your soul and love you for it.

How could I disagree without him thinking I was a naive fool? I sat there in silence, trying to gather my thoughts.

"It's such a dichotomy, huh?" I finally asked.

"What is?"

"That one man could write such vastly conflicting ideals of love. On one hand, he seems to know what it means to be in love. He seems to understand how love changes a person's perspective, their personality, their logic and reason. On the other hand he discredits that love by saying that it never exists. But maybe it does for him, just not for the object of his love. And I believe it is possible to want someone to love you so much, that you pretend you don't notice when they don't. But as you said, maybe it is possible to wake up at the end of your life and realize no-one ever really knew you. The real you. And as probable as it is that something like that happens to some people, it seems to me that it their own fault." My breathing was getting heavy because I was nervous he would hear my subtle probing at his own nature.

"How do you figure that?"

"For someone to know you, and in turn love you for the person that you are, you have to share the parts of yourself that no-one but you sees."

He was brought up short at my statement, but plowed on explaining that he had seen enough of the world to not be so foolish as to say he didn't want to be lied to. He talked about the innocence of childhood, and how when that innocence (which he deemed to be belief in all things false, Santa Claus ect.) is gone, there is nothing mankind won't do to get it back.

I countered all his arguments peaceably but firmly, until we started laughing uncontrollably about the turn this dinner had taken. We laughed until there were tears streaming down our faces.

"I can't tell you how long it's been since I've had a conversation like that." He chuckled, wiping the humor induced tears out of his eyes.

"Agreed." I snorted. "All Alice ever wants to talk about is fashion and fornication."

"Fornication?" He inquired, laughing at my use of the word.

"I went for the alliteration."

"Got it." He shot me another look that stole my breath, and signed the check.

_The check?!!!_

"Where did that come from?!" I demanded. He was not about to pay for my meal. This was not a date.

"I took care of it Bella."

"How much was my half?" His hand abruptly stopped mine as I reached for my purse.

"Please let me get it. I haven't had this much fun in years. First I got to watch you fall on your ass, and then you let me bitch about my ridiculous life, and then we argued philosophy. Really, I owe you."

"No you don't. This is what friends do Edward."

He just smirked at me and helped me put on my jacket before escorting me outside. A true gentleman.

"Where's your new apartment?" He asked as we started to stroll down 42nd Street.

Shit. I made it through ice skating and dinner without this ever popping up. What should I tell him?

_The TRUTH!_

_Shut up stupid voice!_

"It's uh…close to the theatre." Vague. Simple. Does not prompt questions. Good answer.

"Let me walk you there. It's getting late."

"Oh that's not necessary." I stuttered nervously.

"Of course it is. What kind of gentleman would I be if I let a lady walk the streets of New York alone at midnight?" He flashed me a crooked smile and held out his arm.

"It's midnight?" Wow. Where did the time go?

"Yeah," he said, running his fingers through his hair, "I guess we weren't paying attention to the time."

I started to panic. Where was I going to take him? To my invisible apartment? He would think I was a crazy person!

_You are._

_Shut up voice!!!_

We started to walk the three blocks to my non existent apartment, and Edward was telling me how he lived in a brownstone right down the street.

"What's the name of your building?" He questioned, inciting a spasm from inside my chest.

"It's called…er….um…yeah uhhh…"

"You don't remember?"

"I haven't lived there for that long." I croaked, in a small voice.

We finally reached the block that I had fictitiously come up with and I was both pleased and horrified to learn that there were several apartment complexes around.

Maybe I could just get him to leave now.

"Well, here we are." I stated, gesturing grandly to the entire block.

"Let me walk you to the door."

"I'm good Edward, I will see you tomorrow."

He looked a little hurt as I brushed him off, but I didn't know what else to do. I began to walk away, only to realize that he wasn't going to leave until he saw me enter one of the apartment buildings.

What in the hell was I going to do?

I panicked. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted an older man ambling up the stairs to one of the buildings. I ran up to him after he was buzzed in, held the door open, and slipped in after him. Quickly I whipped around to see Edward start to walk away through the window of the lobby.

I stared out at him, and then just outside, for a good five minutes until I felt a pair of eyes burning holes in the back of my head. When I whirled around I came face to face with a burly security guard.

"Miss, what the hell are you doing?" His thick jersey accent oozed with impatience.

"Um…I was just hiding out for a minute." I rambled nervously.

"Hiding out?"

"Yeah."

"Do you even live here?"

"No." I answered timidly. All the while he was backing me towards the door.

"Then get out!" He yelled, pushing open the door that was now at my back.

I stumbled down the stairs, and whipped my head each direction making sure that Edward was out of sight. After I didn't see him, I breathed a sigh of relief and stepped to the curb to hail a cab.

The taxi pulled up quickly and I jumped in sparing one last look at my fake apartment building. I memorized the outside knowing that I might have to remember it in the future.

On the twenty minute, and ridiculously expensive, drive back to the hell-hole that I lived in, I sorted through the events of the day. Edward was sleeping with a married woman. Not just any married woman, a powerful, evil, psychotic married woman who could easily ruin my career. But it didn't matter. I wasn't scared of Victoria. Never would be. It would take a hell of a lot more than one bitch to crush my dreams, and to keep me away from Edward.

And Edward had opened up to me today in a way that I never expected. He didn't have feelings for Victoria. He didn't have feelings for anyone. In fact, he didn't even believe said feelings even existed. But I understood him a bit more. I was chipping away at the composed mask that he always wears, and he was beginning to trust me.

The way he looked at me…

Sometimes he looked at me like I was crazy, but most of the time he just looked like he was searching me. Like I could be the answer that he had been searching for. I hoped that I was the one person that could prove all his cynical logic wrong. I hoped that he would give me a chance to prove that I was indeed in love with him, and would do anything to take away the pain that resided in his heart.

We pulled up to the motel and I paid the thieving cabbie his forty dollars. It was eerily quiet in Queens this evening, and none of the riffraff that usually occupied the parking lot was in sight. I breathed a sigh of relief at that fact and took out the key to my temporary home. As I slid the key in its hole I sensed, more than heard, a presence behind me.

It was at this point when I thought about why I chose today of all days not to carry my pepper spray with me.

My body started shaking a bit as I turned the key and felt a warm hand brush away the hair from my neck, then latch onto it. The person yanked me by my hair and spun me around until I was facing him.

I let out a strangled cry at his appearance. He was tall, dirty, and probably homeless. But that wasn't what had me afraid. It was the switch blade in his hand.

My mouth opened as I prepared a glass shattering scream, but he deftly removed his hand from my hair and clamped it over my mouth. He smelled awful and I could barely breathe as he shoved me roughly against the door to my room.

"Don't make me have to scar that lovely face of yours, beautiful." He slurred, and I smelled the stale stink of alcohol on his putrid breath.

The tears streaming down my face ran over his hand as he pushed me harder against the door, and he began to kiss my neck as I struggled. I closed my eyes and prayed that this was a dream, and as I did, I felt his weight disappear.

Snapping open my eyes I looked ahead of me only to see my attacker being pummeled by punches to his stomach and face by another man. A man that I would recognize out of anyone in this world.

"Edward" I cried, willing my feet to move toward him.

"Inside." He growled, beating the man to a pulp. I heard his groans of agony loud and clear and wondered how no-one heard all the commotion.

"But-"

"Isabella. Get inside. NOW!" He screamed, frightening me.

My shaking hands fumbled with the keys as I heard the sickening sound of crunching bones behind me. As soon as the door was open I ran to the bathroom and vomited. Then I splashed some cold water on my face.

I jumped as I heard the motel door slam so hard I was surprised the entire building didn't collapse.

Slowly I inched open the door, only to find Edward throwing all my stuff into my suitcase.

"What are you doing?" I sniffed, the tears still falling freely down my face.

No answer. He continued stuffing everything that was mine in the bag.

"How did you know that I was in trouble?"

No answer. I was more than a little afraid of his behavior.

"Edward?" I whispered, noticing the blood dripping from his knuckles.

He didn't answer again, but grabbed up the now packed suitcase and walked out of the room.

I stood by the bathroom, unable to move, utterly confused as to what was going on.

Then the door flew open once again.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" He roared at me, storming into the room ferociously, and looking at me as if I had broken his heart.

"I-"

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Are you _living_ here?!"

"I-"

"Shut up!" He screamed, and I saw a tear roll down his cheek.

My feet were permanently rooted to the floor. I wanted to thank him, for saving my life. For…following me? I guess that's what he did. But my motor skills were not working at the moment, and he looked murderous.

"Come on." He said calmly. Quietly. It was a stark contrast to his voice a few moments ago, and it frightened me even more.

"What?"

"Let's go." He said, walking up to me a grabbing my arm.

I jerked out of his grasp.

"No. What are you talking about?"

"You're coming with me." He said, and I heard the finality in his tone.

"No, I'm not." I protested.

"Let's make this easier, shall we?"

And with that, he threw me over his shoulder, cave-man style, and walked out the door.

**How'd you like it? Is this at all what you expected?**

**I just wanted to ask for a favor. I really feel the need to be validated for the work that I'm doing on this story. It would really mean a lot to me if those that put me on alert would just drop a quick line and tell me what you think. Sometimes I get overly critical of myself, and this chapter is no exception. It really makes my day when I get reviewed.**

**Check me out over at the twilighted(dot)net forums!**


	11. The Aftermath

**SORRY ABOUT MY EPIC ABSENCE!!!! Well it's not the longest chapter ever…but it's ok. I needed to deal/not deal with the aftermath of Bella's attack, but I felt I needed to treat it as realistically as possible, while still retaining those characteristics of my Bella and Edward. This was a damn hard chapter to write. There were like fifteen different versions of it, and I finally decided to go with this one. I'm so sorry it took so long, but now that it's summer, hopefully I can start cranking these bad boys out. In fact I'm almost finished with the next chapter. Just want to give this one a few days to sink in. My absence has many excuses and complaints… all I can say is that RL is a bitch. Anyways, your reviews overwhelm and stun me. They were the only reason I have not given up yet. Which I don't plan on doing. But they really inspire me. Keep them up! Thank you all for being soooo wonderful! I feel very vindicated by your reviews, but my confidence on this chapter started to slip. One of the reasons why it took so long. If anyone is interested in beta-ing my story, or just available for me to bounce around thoughts, PM me and we'll talk! Love you ladies! **

**Last time in Staged Beauty: Bella and Edward have a "non-date" ice skating event, during which they learn a lot about one another. For instance, Bella's an optimist, even though she doesn't quite see herself that way. Edward's a pessimist to the max, and is carrying on an affair with his married co-worker Victoria. Details of the affair are few and far between, but Bella is finally starting to unravel the puzzle that is Edward Cullen. In the end, Bella's lying about her apartment catches up with her when Edward follows her home and saves her from an attacker. He then goes "caveward" and gets her out of there. Enjoy the next installment. **

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Years…centuries…passed with nothing more than the hum of the engine, the clicking of the meter, and my stifled sniffs.

I begged the tears to stop falling, to no avail.

Feeling Edward seethe next to me just made it worse.

He knew I had lied to him. After all the time I spent chipping away at his walls, they were sure to be firmly back in place. After all my self-righteous talk about how the truth is the most important thing, I had just been uncovered as a hypocrite. He would never understand why I lied, or why I moved out in the first place.

But I was also angry at him. What was with his macho display of masculinity? And I still had no idea where he was taking me.

I chanced a glance in his direction, but his expression was not the one I was anticipating. I thought he would still be livid, maybe still on an adrenaline rush from battering my attacker. Even regret for beating the man, because I know he had to have sustained a few injuries.

But he was staring at me, not even trying to look away, with a look of pure concern. He was inspecting me, seemingly making sure that I was not harmed.

The cab jerked to stop in practically the same spot it had picked me up about an hour ago. I made no attempt to move, still in the dark about where I was going.

Edward threw a bill at the cabbie, and exited the cab. I just sat there dumbstruck until the door next to me opened. Edward extended his hand, his features growing softer as he took in the tears still streaming down my face.

I grasped it tightly and he pulled me out of the cab. He swung my belongings over his left shoulder, but still kept a death grip on my hand. We began walking down the quiet street, and Edward wrapped an arm protectively around my waist. Like he thought I would be afraid of the shadows surrounding us.

As if I could be afraid of anything when he was holding me.

I finally managed to form words when I realized we were walking into the lobby of a brownstone apartment building.

"Where are we going?"

"My place," he said in a voice that was meant to soothe. It did more than that. I felt my knees start to give out, and Edward tightened his hold around my waist to keep me upright.

"I'm sorry I lost control," he breathed, pressing the button to summon the elevator. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I…I…I…" I struggled to speak because strangled sobs were escaping my mouth every time I opened it.

"Shhh, Bella. Do you need a doctor?" He was being so gentle with me. I had no idea why I couldn't stop crying. It was probably a mixture of shock from being nearly raped and appreciation for this wonderful man who saved me. Forcing the tears back, I stepped on the elevator when it opened. He pressed floor 12 and I leaned back on the wall breathing deeply.

"No, I don't need a doctor."

"Bella…I'm so sorry," he choked, running his hands over his face and moving to the opposite side of the small car.

"For what?" I asked, not believing my ears. What in the world did he have to be sorry about?

"I was almost too late," he rasped, his voice pained.

"No, you were…perfect. It's me who should be apologizing."

"Go on," he said, shutting his eyes and leaning his head back on the wall.

"I lied to you."

"Go on."

"And you got hurt because of me."

"That's inconsequential. Go on."

"And, what else?" I questioned, confused as to what he meant.

"Bella." He growled, snapping his head up to meet mine. The frustration suddenly was back on his face. "Of all the ridiculous things for a person to do! It is inconceivable to me how you could put yourself in that situation."

I felt like I was receiving a lecture from my dad. One I deserved, but a lecture nonetheless.

"I-"

"I'm not finished. It is inconceivable to me how you could put _me_ in that situation. If you had been harmed tonight, do you realize that _I_ would be held responsible? Do you realize what kind of man I would look like? I'm in the public eye, Bella! Furthermore, can you fathom the guilt that would plague me? If I hadn't had a feeling that you were lying to me, you could be dead right now!"

I felt the anger and frustration that I had been holding in boil inside me, until it came time for it to overflow.

"Wait, let me get this straight. This is all about you? _Your_ conscience, _your_ social standing that might've been harmed otherwise? If that wasn't an issue you would've just stood off to the side and watched?" I fumed, practically screaming. The elevator shuddered to a stop, and without I backward look I stormed off, desperately searching for the stairs.

"Bella, wait!" Edward called behind me, but I wasn't listening. It felt like I was broken into a thousand pieces, and I did not want him to watch me fall apart.

"Stop," he commanded. But I didn't look back; I just kept walking, mechanically putting one foot in front of the other.

"Bella, please," his voice cracked and I stopped dead in my tracks and whirled around to face him.

"What?" I spat.

"You misunderstood. Or I said it wrong. That is not at all what I meant." His face looked crumpled and broken. The expression on his face took me by surprise, but all at once I thought he might be telling the truth. People tend to say things they don't mean when they're furious. _Right?_ He purposefully met my gaze and all at once I was worried about him. He had shared so much, gotten so completely out of his comfort zone, he wasn't sure what to do anymore. He didn't know which mask to put on. I thought at that moment I finally was seeing the real Edward.

It was then I realized that his arm was bleeding.

"Edward, your arm!" I cried, reaching out to look at it. _What were we fighting about again?_

"It's nothing, Bella. Will you please come inside? I'm sorry I sounded like an ass. I tend to not have a filter when I'm angry."

I nodded hesitantly, hoping he was being sincere.

"Thank you," Edward sighed, leading me the other direction down the hallway.

We stopped at apartment 257 and he fished inside his coat for his keys. Once he found them he attempted to unlock the door, but I noticed his shaking hands were making it a rather difficult task.

I stilled his hands with my own and took over, unlocking the door and pushing it open. Edward gave me a tight smile and led me into the darkened room.

Flipping on the lights, Edward brushed past me and went straight towards the kitchen. I glanced around the apartment in shock. There was literally nothing. It was completely bare accept for a black couch in the middle of a sitting room, and a tv/stereo system across from it. No art on the walls, no color, no life in this room. It was almost as if he had just moved in.

I turned the corner in time to see Edward, standing over the kitchen sink, wincing as he poured peroxide on the cut on his arm.

"Here, Edward. Let me take care of it." I walked over and took the rag out of his hand. His features contorted as I pressed the peroxide coated rag on his arm. I gently blew on the area to stop the burning. I pressed on the cut again, then blew. When I looked up into Edward's face a small smile tugged on his lips. Without speaking he handed me a band-aid.

"Oh, so you want me to take care of you now?" I asked in a seeming joke, but in all actuality praying that it was true.

"Well, no-one has done that in a long time." I'm not sure if I imagined it but I thought I saw his eyes glaze over a bit as he spoke a devastating truth, as if he were remembering the last time that happened.

"You took care of _me_ tonight," I started lightly, as I applied the band-aid to his cut. "So why did you follow me anyway?"

He blinked rapidly and pulled away from me fast, picking up my bag that he discarded in the floor from a few moments earlier. Just like when his hands shook as he opened the door, he fled when he started to lose control of his emotions. Before I knew it he was standing at the edge of the kitchen, staring at me. When I met his eyes he beckoned me to follow him.

Edward led the way down a long, and unsurprisingly bare, hallway. Pointing to different rooms he mumbled quick explanations, such as "bathroom" and "laundry room." At the end of the hall he opened a door to the left.

"This will be your room. Mine is right beside you if you need me." He began to walk out, but I had to stop him. I wanted some explanations. I wanted to know what his statement in the kitchen meant. I wanted to hear his voice again.

"Edward, wait. Why did you follow me tonight?"

He just stared at me like I wasn't speaking English.

"I'm very tired. If you'll excuse me…" He started to close the door, but I threw my hand out so it wouldn't close.

"What are you avoiding? Just answer my question," I half-shouted, my agitation showing clearly through my voice.

In the blink of an eye Edward flung the door open and leaned into me until our noses were almost touching.

"Don't you ever know when to let something go?" He growled, in that low, dangerous tone again.

I seemed to be struck dumb at his words. My mouth opened and closed of its own volition a few times, but I could not force words.

"Just go to sleep, Bella," he snapped and slammed the door in my face.

Tears fell down my face again as I stood staring at the door. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. Wearily, I pulled out some pajamas from my bag and put them on. All the while the waterworks were still going.

I didn't notice the décor of this room. It seemed cold, like he could be so often. Pulling the covers up over my head I wondered what it was that caused the switch in him. Why was he afraid to get in real relationships? Afraid to invest himself in something lasting? Why didn't he have people in his life to take care of him? Where was his family? Why does he run away when he starts to reveal his true character instead of the unaffected mask he so often wears?

And the biggest question: why did it hurt me so much to see him like that?

I grappled with these questions and more as I lay under the covers in distress. I wasn't aware of how much time had passed; only that I had been crying and couldn't stop, when I heard the door slowly creak open.

A figure was moving through the dark toward my bed. I stifled my cries and held my breath, hoping that I hadn't been so loud that I kept him from sleep.

"Bella," Edward's whisper caressed my name and I could feel the blood coursing through my veins, "I am so sorry. Again."

I didn't speak, but instead just looked at his disheveled hair and furrowed brow.

He sat on the edge of the bed as far away from me as possible. This only brought on an irrational sob as the psycho part of my brain translated this as a form of rejection.

"God," he sighed, sucking in a ragged breath at my sob. I realized this might be annoying to him so I tried to hold my breath to stop myself from being ridiculous.

He got up and walked to the left side of the bed, stopping right at my head, and knelt down beside me.

"Bella, sweetheart, I am an idiot," he said in a soothing tone. "You must be so scared right now, and here I am yelling at you. You've been through a terrible ordeal today. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at myself."

I wasn't thinking about my incident with the homeless man before, but I sure as hell was thinking about it now. I shuddered as I recalled his rough kisses and could still smell him all over me. Edward noticed my shudder and started to crawl onto the bed with me. When he was sitting right beside me he searched my face.

"Is this okay?"

I just pulled him down close to me and laid my head on his chest, not caring about personal space or the humiliation that I might feel about this later. All that mattered now was that he was here. He had saved me, he had made me love him, and he was here. Comforting me. Apologizing for not being ready to be close to me in the best way he knew how.

The tears stopped, my breathing evened out, and I went completely limp in his arms. I had never felt so safe in my entire life. An irrational part of my brain sought to make this moment last forever, because in this moment, it felt like he was part of me. Like my fear was his, his pain was mine. I couldn't see his face, and it was so easy to pretend that he cared about me like I cared about him.

He let out a contented sounding sigh, and his arms snaked around me, gripping me tightly. His face dropped down and I felt him press a kiss on the top of my head. It was the single most electrifying feeling I had ever experienced.

Edward pushed some strands of hair out of my face, wet from my blubbering earlier, and continued to run his fingers through my hair. It felt surreal, being with him like this. Even though we didn't dare speak, in fear of ruining the peace surrounding us in that moment, I feel like his actions communicated more than his words ever could.

His hand stroking my hair said that he was sorry, his arms grasping me tightly said he wanted to protect me, and his even breathing said that he was finally comfortable being close to me.

I'm sure Edward thought I had drifted off by now because his hold on me tightened further.

"What am I doing?" he whispered aloud to himself.

I had to will myself not to stiffen at his words. My brain flooded with possible answers to his simple question, but my body protested any more confusion for the day. Before I knew it, I was out like a light.

*********************************************************************

Blinding light filtered in through the un-curtained window as I sleepily rubbed my eyes and sat up. The bed felt softer than the cinder-block contraption from the cheap motel.

That should have been "ah-ha" moment number one.

I leaned over to the bedside table that should've been there to reset my alarm clock for fifteen more minutes, but all I felt was my hand weaving through empty air.

That should have been "ah-ha" moment number two.

Fumbling with the sheet that I could've sworn I never used, I rose out of bed and looked around.

There's the "ah-ha".

_This isn't my motel room._

_This isn't my apartment._

_This is Edward's apartment._

_And if this is Edward's apartment that means that Edward……._

I nearly gave myself whiplash as I spun around to look at the bed that I had just risen from. But there was no reason for said neck injury, because it was as empty as this bare room. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of my stomach as the evening's events all came rushing back to me.

Me, clinging on to Edward for dear life, practically an admission of love by the way I held onto him as if he were my raft in the midst of a hurricane.

Edward's whispered confession. _What am I doing?_

And now. Alone.

_Of course._ Why would he have stayed?

I grabbed my toothbrush and paste from the depths of my hastily packed bag and, with what I imagined to be a look of bravery, headed toward the door.

Fearfully, I poked my head out the cracked door to see if there were any signs of Edward. The apartment seemed to be void of all noise. I did not notice any movement, so I cautiously ventured out to the bathroom.

I didn't meet Edward on the way, and as I locked myself in the bathroom and began to brush my teeth, I contemplated what I was going to say to him.

_Hey, sorry I lied to you yesterday. Oh, and sorry I felt the need to cuddle with you since touching people seems to be waaaaay out of your comfort zone._

Hmmmm….that approach would be a bit harsh.

_About last night….April Fools!!!_

I laughed to myself at that one. Wouldn't work in January now would it?

_Look, I love you. Is that so bad?_

"Ugh!" I groaned aloud as I realized there was nothing I could say that would explain my behavior. I needed him last night. But how could I say that without sounding like a complete head-case?

Taking in my appearance in the mirror I noticed that my eyes were bloodshot and puffy. In all honesty, I looked like hell. Make-up wouldn't even cover this up.

To make matters worse, the whole she-bang started today. I had a production meeting at 1:00, and it went right into rehearsal from 3:00-8:30. Usually I dreaded rehearsals. For this one in particular what I felt was beyond dread. A sense of terror washed over me as I envisioned the day ahead.

Meeting with writers, set designers, and understudies who were all better and more experienced than me. All these people watching my every move, knowing that they could've done a better job. I know that, because I've been in their shoes, backstage practically hurling a curse at a lead that underperforms, thirsting for my shot at the role. No, I did not look forward to meeting my understudy.

Then there was Jacob to worry about. Although it was clear to me now, in light of my discovery of loving Edward, that I had no romantic feelings toward him, the past remains the past. How can I look at him and not feel something? How can I be around him, joke with him, have chemistry with him, be successful with him, and not tap into that part of me that once cared about him deeply?

And to top it all off, my biggest fear: Edward. How would he act today? Before, when he was working he became a different person. His words were harsh and cruel. It took a long time to penetrate his hard exterior and discover the person that he really was. Would that all be over today? And he expected so much from me. He told me that I was the only person for this role. What would he do if I screwed up? If I made a wrong choice with a line? If I tripped and broke half the set? Would that be it for us? Would our unstable friendship be over before it even began?

My head was swirling as I left the bathroom in a dream-like state and wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water. Edward wasn't there, as expected, so I searched around the pantry until I found a glass. I spent a good five minutes trying work his water machine on the refrigerator, and finally gave up and settled on tap. As I was filling my glass I noticed a piece of paper folded over on the counter. My name was etched across the front in graceful writing that could not have belonged to anyone else but Edward. His hand-writing was just as unique as he was.

I felt my heart flutter as I ran my fingers over the way he wrote my name, having no idea why it pleased me so much. Opening the letter, I leaned against the counter to read.

_Bella,_

_I apologize for my absence this morning. As you can imagine, I have many tasks that need to be completed before today's rehearsal. Do forgive me for not waking you. I assumed you might need the sleep after yesterday. And about yesterday, apart from the horrific events of the late evening, I want you to know that I have not had that much fun in a long time. A brief respite from work was wonderful, but it was what it was. Brief. I am a very busy man, and I am sorry to tell you that I do not foresee much leisure time, for either of us, in the coming months. I trust that you will not take this personally, for I do enjoy spending time with you. As it is, since I crave your company so much, I would like to officially extend my offer for you to live with me as long as you need to. It would be my pleasure to have you occupy the additional room in the apartment. Seeing as I have few guests, your presence here, I assure you, will not be bothersome. I do not expect rent, and please do not offend me by offering me money. I would like to think of this as a friend being charitable to another friend, not a business transaction. I do, however, expect you to be searching for a new place. Not that apartments are easy to come by in New York, but once the run of the show is over, I should like to think that you will have a place of your own. I do not wish to place any rules upon you. You are an intelligent girl and I trust that you know proper etiquette for living with someone else. All that being said, if you would like to remain at my home until you find suitable living arrangements, simply let me know sometime today. I left some breakfast for you in the microwave. I will see you at rehearsal. Come ready to work._

_Sincerely,_

_Edward Cullen_

My hands were shaking as I placed the letter back down on the counter. Phrases from his ultra-proper note swirled through my mind. "_I would like to think of this as a friend being charitable to another friend, not a business transaction." _

Didn't he realize that's exactly what he was doing? Every word he wrote sounded as if he were speaking to a co-worker! Anger inside of me swelled as I picked up the letter again, crumbling it in my hand.

I felt like I had been slapped in the face. We had gone from intimate talks, flirting, and holding each other, to distant empty words written on a discarded piece of paper in a matter of hours! Edward could not help it; he just had to distance himself from me. From everyone it seemed. It was like a compulsion for him.

_He' trying._ A voice in my head spoke reason. _This is his way of trying. Trying to be a friend. Trying to give a tiny piece of himself._

He wanted me to live with him. For now. He wanted that. Or did he? What if this whole letter business is just him trying to assuage his conscience? He wouldn't kick me out on the street.

Throwing the wadded up paper back on the counter I stomped to my room and slammed the door. I was as confused as I had ever been about what I was doing. What the hell was I doing even considering staying in his home? I had already overstepped my boundaries a thousand times! His mere presence brought out ridiculous reactions in me, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to give any of that up.

However, I felt inside that living with him could have disastrous consequences.

I was going to hurt.

But I was already hurting.

"Ugh," I groaned again, gritting my teeth.

With a surge of inspiration I grabbed my phone and dialed.

"Bells," Alice's sugary voice called out on the other line after half a ring. "How did it go?! When you didn't call me yesterday I couldn't decide if it was good or bad news. I figured bad because you have a really hard time keeping good news from me and-"

"Alice," I growled, effectively stopping her rambling.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"I have to tell you some things. I need you not to react until I'm completely finished. And I need you to promise me that you won't kill me."

"Uh….ok?" she answered cautiously.

I sucked in a deep breath knowing that the whole nasty truth was about to be spilled.

"Ok, here goes. I haven't been staying with Ellen. I moved into the cheapest motel that I could afford in Queens. Don't ask me why. I have many, many reasons for doing this, but as I look back none of them really make any sense. Anyway, after my day with Edward I didn't want to tell him where I lived because I just got this feeling that he would be angry about me living somewhere so dangerous…and that doesn't make any sense either. So I lied to him and he just so happened to live on the same street that my fictitious apartment was on, so I had to sneak into an apartment building. Then I hid for a while and got a cab to Queens. But as I was headed into my room, this man….he….well he sort of attacked me….but Edward was there…I don't know how. He fought the guy off, and then threw my stuff in my bag and took me to his apartment. He was so angry, it was kind of scary. We fought about why he had followed me and then I cried like a crazy and we fell asleep in my bed. And this morning he was gone and left me a note."

Expecting the silence that followed, I waited it out. Three minutes passed without a word transpiring. I had to check to make sure she didn't hang up on me several times. Finally, after what seemed like years, she spoke.

"You know what Bella, I am so pissed off right now I don't even know why I am still talking to you!" _Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down._ "Honestly, what in the hell would possess you to lie to me like that? And to do something so stupid! Emmett's going to freak out, and I won't be surprised if he doesn't tell Charlie."

"Alice I KNOW! I know, I know, I know!" I cried helplessly, hating that she was so disappointed in me. "I wasn't thinking clearly! All I knew is that being in the middle of everyone's love fests was making me miserable, and I didn't want to be a burden to you like I have for the past year. Or Emmett. You guys deserve happiness and my constant depression or my reliance on you guys wasn't making your lives any easier."

"But we love you Bella," Alice sniffed into the phone. "You truly think that you were a burden to me? I know you. I know that your greatest fear is getting hurt, and you were hurt beyond belief. It made you pretty bitter, but I want to be there for you. And I can completely understand how you might feel alienated from us. I mean I wasn't exactly sensitive with the subject of Jasper to you. I was going on and on about soul-mates and it bothered you. I'm so sorry for that. He came in to our lives fast and I spent every waking hour with him. Somehow I didn't realize that could have affected you so much to make you leave, but I should've known." She slowed down to catch her breath. "But you have to know that this all could've been resolved if you would've just talked to me instead of keeping things from me."

"You're right," I said in a small voice.

"Now, are you alright? A man attacked you? Have you filed a police report? Do I need to come home, because I can be on a plane in an hour? " Her concern for me was evident, and hearing it made me love her even more.

"No, I'm okay. Edward took care of me. But if he didn't follow me home….." Flashes of what could have happened seized my thoughts and made my stomach heave.

"Yes, and about that… he just showed up and beat this random guy?"

"Pretty much," I answered, still as in the dark about the details of last night as Alice was. "All I know is that one minute this man was kissing me, and the next he was on the ground be pummeled."

"Wow…", Alice breathed, "that's kind of hot."

"Alice!"

"Sorry. So you fell asleep together? That's intense," she stated, and I could hear the smirk in her voice.

"The most intense. And then I read his stupid letter…."

I then proceeded to read the letter to Alice, adding in my voice the inflections that I thought Edward would choose. Reading the letter again, aloud, triggered a thought in my brain. Could it be that Edward, having obviously experienced something in his past that hurt him, wanted to push me away to protect himself, but at the same time, wanted me just as much as I wanted him? Reading the letter aloud made it almost sound….tortured. Was that all in my head? Was that just because I wanted it to be true?

But I knew all about pushing people away. I had done it most of my life. Divorced parents will do that to a person. The few real friends I have had to scratch and claw their way inside. Was I now doing that to Edward? If so, when would he finally concede?

We wrapped up the "conversation of truth" as Alice was calling it, and I lay down on Edward's guest bed, my mind in overdrive. I felt immensely guilty for all the lies that I had told lately. And once I took a step back I realized what a hypocrite I had been. My mantra had always been "tell yourself truth", and I knew that I could always handle the truth. Yet I shied away from it all the time. Sometimes when I didn't even think about it. Lying is like a natural instinct. To protect, to ensure your sanity at times. I remembered an Emerson quote that I used to have up on my wall when I was in college: "Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies."

I checked my watch and realized I had about two hours to get ready and get to rehearsal. Emmett and Rose wanted to go out tonight to celebrate our first day at work, so a long day stretched in front of me. A day full of fear and the unknown.

My mind was made up before my consciousness even knew about it. I would stay here. And I would know Edward. He had already conceded so much, it was only a matter of time before his walls crumbled completely.

I knew I had to perform damage control on my character. Lying was truly not the norm for me, but I did use it more than I believed. The essential core of my values was the same, that would never change. But I made a mistake with Edward. And it would take a little time to repair.

As for Jacob and the rehearsal, what will be will be. I just needed to be professional and kind. Have faith in my talent, and be confident.

With those positive thoughts, I pulled on my clothes and set my sights on the day ahead.

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